i keep ignoring things thinking that...

[ctbcat]

i'll be dead before the consequences come... naturally, by the fact this post exists and is being written, you can guess that i do NOT die before the consequences come. each time they hit, and hit HARD mind you, and i'm left.... smiling politely, nodding and closing my eyes apologetically to whatever authority figure is mad at me this time. i can't give any reason. i do have one, obviously - i hold no value in my future because i'm convinced i'll die this year by my own hand. but i can't exactly tell people that. so each time i'm just... trying to convince people i'm a-okay, rehabilitated, as sane as people like me can be.

... each bad thing that happens to me nowadays is usually a byproduct of such a mentality. i wonder if people suspect things; maybe they do. maybe they think it's just a quirk, a hamartia, or something... i mean, i am pretty 'laidback' in mentality - it's not like it's out of character, it's just completely gone to an extreme these days...

i can't stand this life and yet i stay within it... what's wrong with me? this life makes me fight tooth and nail but somehow i can't just go out, buy some rope and hang myself? all i'd need to do is walk a little, to some fucking home improvement store, or something... but waahhh waahhh, walking requires effort! ... i really frustrate myself, sorry.