Venting i keep having recurring nightmares of my abuser

[bloodblacknothing]

hello, all

it feels really stupid to even bring this up, and i'm sorry if it is, but i hope you'll understand. i'm a bit of a mess right now, so i apologize if this comes off as rambling. sleep is one of my only escapes beyond fleeting daytime distractions, and this recent uptick in night terrors has been completely destroying me. i've been experiencing some truly visceral nightmares of my primary abuser for over a week. i've always had an abnormal amount of nightmares, but it's beginning to feel like someone's dug around in my brain, pushing and pulling on things that i've tried really hard to forget, and it just won't stop.

my brother keeps appearing and derailing nearly every dream i have, and it's always the same: he appears, he tries to do terrible things to me, i fight back, and then i spend the rest of the dream trying to get away. i always feel slower than i should be, or that no matter where i go, he'll find me. despite being nearly a decade ago, the moments where i'm dreaming or waking up make me feel as though i'm a powerless child again, like his presence in my life is an inevitability, and the pain of it is bleeding into my waking life.

i woke up today after just three to four hours of sleep, and i felt paralyzed. i had my face in my pillow and i was mostly lucid, but my back, neck, and shoulders were tensed up like i was expecting him to hit me from behind. i felt like he was in the room with me, just waiting for me to move, and it sent a wave of fear through me; of course, nothing happened to me once i sat up, but the whole experience pushed me to my breaking point and i started to cry.

i don't know if my recent SH has exacerbated my trauma, though it seems like the only logical explanation. i'm so, so tired of everything. i wanted to love life so much -- to prove that my pain doesn't define me --, but i just can't do it anymore. i don't want to see another sunrise, but i have to, again and again and again, until i figure out how i'm gonna go. i don't really know how to close this out, so i'll just say that i appreciate anyone taking the time to read this mess. i doubt it means much, but thank you, truly.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really horrible having those nightmares, it's certainly so cruel how people suffer so much all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

sorry for what you are going through. that must absolutely suck! hope it goes away somehow one day. how long did he do that to you?

 

[F&Inside]

Hello bloodblacknothing.
I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. I am sorry for what has happened to you and also for the terrible nightmares you are having.
Sometimes talking about it can help. Maybe you're taking a step forward.
I wish you get over this episode soon.

 

[bloodblacknothing]

sorry for what you are going through. that must absolutely suck! hope it goes away somehow one day. how long did he do that to you?

thank you for the kind words. i felt sick immediately after posting, as talking about it is really painful, but i'm glad to say i don't entirely regret it.

he abused me from around age eight (earliest i can recall, anyway), up to when i was sixteen and could defend myself -- defending myself didn't matter much, though, as the damage was already done, and it continues to affect me. my family did far less than the bare minimum to protect me from him, so i ended up resenting them, which led to them further resenting me, and on and on it went.

what kills me is that i wanted to be like him so badly when i was younger, but he just hated me so much, right from the start. i'd do anything for anyone i care about, especially a younger brother, so i don't understand how he could do those things to me, for any reason. he gets to live on with his best life, and his best friends, and his freedom to do whatever he wants; meanwhile, i'm still stuck here picking up the pieces. it feels like a terrible joke.

i hope it goes away soon, as well.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

my family did far less than the bare minimum to protect me

yeah, that was gonna be my next question. i assumed this was the case though. age gap? hope you can move out soon (especially if he is still there too) but i'm thinking you'll still have nightmaress.

 

[Octavia]

I am so sorry that happened to you. Pain feels so much worse when it comes from family… please do not worry about venting, if there is one place on the internet where it is okay to vent, it is here.

 

[bloodblacknothing]

age gap?

he's six years older than me -- well into his twenties now, while i turned twenty-one this year.

i still live with my family, but i do everything i can to stay away from him and the rest of them. i can't move out yet, so i just stay in my room and only really go out when he isn't around. my brother easily makes enough money to move out, but he refuses to, so i'm just gonna be stuck in this hole for who knows how long.

 

[enough of this]

hello, all

it feels really stupid to even bring this up, and i'm sorry if it is, but i hope you'll understand. i'm a bit of a mess right now, so i apologize if this comes off as rambling. sleep is one of my only escapes beyond fleeting daytime distractions, and this recent uptick in night terrors has been completely destroying me. i've been experiencing some truly visceral nightmares of my primary abuser for over a week. i've always had an abnormal amount of nightmares, but it's beginning to feel like someone's dug around in my brain, pushing and pulling on things that i've tried really hard to forget, and it just won't stop.

my brother keeps appearing and derailing nearly every dream i have, and it's always the same: he appears, he tries to do terrible things to me, i fight back, and then i spend the rest of the dream trying to get away. i always feel slower than i should be, or that no matter where i go, he'll find me. despite being nearly a decade ago, the moments where i'm dreaming or waking up make me feel as though i'm a powerless child again, like his presence in my life is an inevitability, and the pain of it is bleeding into my waking life.

i woke up today after just three to four hours of sleep, and i felt paralyzed. i had my face in my pillow and i was mostly lucid, but my back, neck, and shoulders were tensed up like i was expecting him to hit me from behind. i felt like he was in the room with me, just waiting for me to move, and it sent a wave of fear through me; of course, nothing happened to me once i sat up, but the whole experience pushed me to my breaking point and i started to cry.

i don't know if my recent SH has exacerbated my trauma, though it seems like the only logical explanation. i'm so, so tired of everything. i wanted to love life so much -- to prove that my pain doesn't define me --, but i just can't do it anymore. i don't want to see another sunrise, but i have to, again and again and again, until i figure out how i'm gonna go. i don't really know how to close this out, so i'll just say that i appreciate anyone taking the time to read this mess. i doubt it means much, but thank you, truly.

Your message means a lot. Thank you for sharing it with us.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

he's six years older than me -- well into his twenties now, while i turned twenty-one this year.

i still live with my family, but i do everything i can to stay away from him and the rest of them. i can't move out yet, so i just stay in my room and only really go out when he isn't around. my brother easily makes enough money to move out, but he refuses to, so i'm just gonna be stuck in this hole for who knows how long.

that's totally horrible. i know you mentioned (obviously) that you were not getting enough rest. are you doing ok? when i was a kid in this one class they taught us a very simple meditation. all you need really is a chair. just sit up straight. clear your mind (if possible) but at least you'd have more control than a nightmare. palms on knees and try to envision your stress as sand. close your eyes and imagine all that sand pouring out of your toes and fingertips. don't forget to take deep breadths. sounds stupid but it actually helped me out when i couldn't fall asleep (at least a little). better done when quiet in the house.