Venting I keep failing

[clicmsf]

I've been trying for SO MANY GOD DAMN TIMES. First of all, even though it's such a cruel idea, but every year in our class in high school we used to have a ranking system for people from the best looking to worst. Out of 32 people, i got voted the last for 3 years (I'm not exaggerating i literally became the last). I have been trying to learn piano for years, still can't play anything. The worst part is again I'm doing the worst in my class too. Everything i touch, everything i do, I'm THE ABSOLUTE WORST person to do it. I haven't been sitting in my room crying all day, i haven't been lazy. I have tried for everything many times and yet i haven't had any success in anything. I have autism but i don't think it's only that. I probably have a low IQ as well because I'm always the last person to understand anything or learn anything. I'm not exaggerating, I'm the real meaning of a failure. I keep failing and i haven't had any achievements in my life. Everyone says losing is better than doing nothing, but the truth is I've been trying my whole life and yet my accomplishments in life are the same as a piece of trash. My parents are cruel for wanting me to stay and continue. Failing once or twice is alright, but when it becomes a lifestyle, it's just brutal. I hate myself so much that i wouldn't mind drowning myself or burning myself so my presence would be wiped forever.

 

[jodes2]

That sucks. Sorry you're suffering

 

[whatevs]

I understand. Because I'm above average in looks and invested years reading books I've managed to put on a facade of elegance but underneath there's someone that is slower than most and riddled with insecurities and fears. I don't want to kill myself nor I would find an easy and pain free way to do it, but living is certainly miserable when your memory or your attention span are so bad that being a laughing stock becomes routine.

It's tough being inferior. You have to live knowing you are serving others as a stepping stone or consolation, and everything that's supposedly easy isn't for you. Life is brutal and compassion is not as abundant as it should be.

 

[FuneralCry]

The unfortunate reality is that there could never be anything fair about existing in this hellish world where so much endless suffering exists. Of course when things go wrong and just continue to get worse it really can be so incredibly awful and tiring. It certainly is cruel to just expect people to stay here in this existence against their wishes, none of us should have to stay here for a second longer than we wish to, and others shouldn't have any say in this.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Very relatable. I was only good at one thing, getting good grades, but that is no longer relevant anymore. Compared to others, I'm extremely unintelligent, untalented, ugly, and socially awkward. It also doesn't help that I was constantly compared to others and reminded of how inferior I was to others by the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally when I was younger.

Consistently failing in an environment where everyone seems to always succeed is something that would mess with anyone. You start feeling as if you will always be incompetent and useless—and, for some, it'll seem like you were destined to fail from the very start. That feeling is only exacerbated when people start confirming those thoughts via through humiliation, exclusion, etc.

I'm sorry you're going/went through something like this. I hope that one day you get generously rewarded for your efforts since you clearly deserve it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've always felt that was so terribly unfair- that some people literally give everything they have and don't succeed, yet others can be SO lazy and just breeze through.

Jesus though- an attractiveness competition?!! I'm glad my school didn't do that!

I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. There is the argument that genuinely stupid people are too stupid to realise they are that way. Still, I don't think self awareness generally helps people who are REALLY struggling. It tends to also obliterate your confidence- which makes matters worse.

You may not feel you are very good at things but are there at least subjects that you enjoy doing? Or, does the fear of failure spoil them? I can really relate to that. I'm sorry.

 

[clicmsf]

I've always felt that was so terribly unfair- that some people literally give everything they have and don't succeed, yet others can be SO lazy and just breeze through.

Jesus though- an attractiveness competition?!! I'm glad my school didn't do that!

I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. There is the argument that genuinely stupid people are too stupid to realise they are that way. Still, I don't think self awareness generally helps people who are REALLY struggling. It tends to also obliterate your confidence- which makes matters worse.

You may not feel you are very good at things but are there at least subjects that you enjoy doing? Or, does the fear of failure spoil them? I can really relate to that. I'm sorry.

Thank you. There definitely are subjects that i enjoy. Learning a language, drawing, and my university major (software engineering) are my favorites. I enjoy playing an instrument as well. But as i stated, no matter how much i put effort, I can't seem to improve. I don't know what's wrong with me but i try for hours everyday. I have talked with a therapist and other experts, their advice to me was "oh it's alright! Surely there is something in this world that you are good and talented at!" And i find it hard to believe. I simply can't find anything that i can improve in. Seeing others with trying significantly less and doing significantly better than me also drains my energy and motivation. I simply don't belong to this universe and that's my final guess on why I can't be good at anything. I really think that it was a mistake, my birth shouldn't have ever happened

 

[CC123]

You write very well. An unintelligent person cannot string words together coherently.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you. There definitely are subjects that i enjoy. Learning a language, drawing, and my university major (software engineering) are my favorites. I enjoy playing an instrument as well. But as i stated, no matter how much i put effort, I can't seem to improve. I don't know what's wrong with me but i try for hours everyday. I have talked with a therapist and other experts, their advice to me was "oh it's alright! Surely there is something in this world that you are good and talented at!" And i find it hard to believe. I simply can't find anything that i can improve in. Seeing others with trying significantly less and doing significantly better than me also drains my energy and motivation. I simply don't belong to this universe and that's my final guess on why I can't be good at anything. I really think that it was a mistake, my birth shouldn't have ever happened

I'm so sorry. I understand how frustrating it must be. I hate to say it but I think it does sound like it's something you may just have to accept. It certainly isn't fair- like you say- but- beating yourself up over it won't make you any better. I suspect you ARE improving- just- not at the rate you'd like- or- deserve to. Still- I'd say- if you are at university- you have already reached a reasonably proficient standard. I doubt they'd have given you a place otherwise.

Do you ever tell your tutors that you're struggling? You won't be the first student who found something difficult. They might be able to help you more- if you make them aware of it.

Honestly- it IS a good thing that you at least enjoy some of these subjects still. Hopefully that will give you the impetus to keep going. That's all any of us can do at the end of the day I'm afraid. Unless someone is a genius- there is ALWAYS someone out there better- who doesn't have to work as hard. It is unfair unfortunately.