Venting I Keep Chickening Out Of Even Purchasing SN

[The Eeyorish One]

Yeah, it's kind of pathetic. I'll stare at the checkout screen for a while and then close it. It's just like when I was younger and I was too scared to even pull the trigger of an unloaded gun. I wish I could stop being in limbo. I wish my brain could commit to something.

Obviously, I'm scared of ctb because SI is a bitch, but there are other factors I'm more scared of. I'm terrified of getting caught in the act or prematurely. I'm terrified of potential complications or pain from doing it. I'm terrified of waking up or aborting a failed attempt, knowing this would mean expensive medical bills, a trip to the psych ward, and then being thrown on the street since one of my partners has said he'd throw me out if I ever made myself bleed from SH (and ctb attempt is much worse… so logically I assume this would also get me kicked out). Basically… if I get caught or fail, my life will be 1000% worse and then I really will have no other option, and would likely have to go with a worse method. And when I think about all of this, it just overwhelms me and it feels easier to just suffer silently, and try to distract myself with pointless media.

I just… don't know what to do. I've tried all the meds, therapy, hobbies, etc. Nothing works. And I just can't seem to make myself be a useful member of society. I can't even make myself do chores 90% of the time. (10% success rate comes from partners getting upset enough that it kinda forces me to trudge through it). And getting a job again? That's a pipe dream. I can't even imagine it. Between my constantly rotating around the clock sleep schedule, random back and arm pain, lack of motivation, the anxiety of being around people again, having no marketable skills, my hatred of capitalism, etc… I just can't.

I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop? Like… eventually my partners will throw me out anyway right? I mean it's been 7 years of me being a worthless leech, surely they're almost done putting up with me? And then I can finally overcome SI and ctb? But I just dunno what to do in the meantime. I'm tired of trying. I'm bored all the time. When I occasionally find something new to hyperfixate on I lose interest within a week…

And then I look at what I've typed and I feel like I'm over exaggerating. I feel like if I was actually messed up I would've attempted at least once by now. I feel like I should be unable to mask the pain in my day to day. I feel like I should be super moody/emo/crying all the time or something. I feel like a fucking fake that's just lazy and looking for an excuse. I feel like I'm unworthy of ctb. Like yeah I've got some problems (some of which are listed here) but most of it just… isn't that big of a deal? Like so many people struggle to have food to eat, get trafficked, etc… while I live a perfect life. Like how many people can say "yeah I literally sit on the couch all day and do whatever the fuck I want".

Idk… is any of this relatable? Or am I just crazy? Does anyone happen to have any advice on anything?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I feel you. I'm in a similar life situation from what I can gather and I'm just waiting for a specific event to happen (and who even knows if I can work up the nerve). And as you say I really only have one shot at CTB. Even though you may be considered fortunate in a certain sense for not having to work hard to provide for yourself, it sounds like you have a lot of obstacles that would get in the way of your being able to do that. And considering how you're feeling deep down you know despite superficial advantages your life isn't truly desirable.

Ambivalence with suicide is normal and there's no basis on which to beat yourself up because of that. Even if you purchase it, that doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. You'd have to be careful about receiving it surreptitiously and safeguarding it.

It doesn't sound like your partner is very understanding if he is threatening to kick you out over self-harm. I know you don't have much leeway to not comply with his conditions, though.

It's tough if you're not engaged in anything. Since you say you want something to occupy yourself with in the meantime, maybe you can consider volunteering. It's easy to get accepted, comes in a wide variety of forms that all are in support of some positive cause, and will give you something to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, only you know when it's the right time to leave this world and anyway suicide is something that just isn't straightforward. It also scares me the thought of trying to ctb and just ending up back in this world as such a thing would just lead to more suffering. It must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Yeah, it's kind of pathetic. I'll stare at the checkout screen for a while and then close it. It's just like when I was younger and I was too scared to even pull the trigger of an unloaded gun. I wish I could stop being in limbo. I wish my brain could commit to something.

Obviously, I'm scared of ctb because SI is a bitch, but there are other factors I'm more scared of. I'm terrified of getting caught in the act or prematurely. I'm terrified of potential complications or pain from doing it. I'm terrified of waking up or aborting a failed attempt, knowing this would mean expensive medical bills, a trip to the psych ward, and then being thrown on the street since one of my partners has said he'd throw me out if I ever made myself bleed from SH (and ctb attempt is much worse… so logically I assume this would also get me kicked out). Basically… if I get caught or fail, my life will be 1000% worse and then I really will have no other option, and would likely have to go with a worse method. And when I think about all of this, it just overwhelms me and it feels easier to just suffer silently, and try to distract myself with pointless media.

I just… don't know what to do. I've tried all the meds, therapy, hobbies, etc. Nothing works. And I just can't seem to make myself be a useful member of society. I can't even make myself do chores 90% of the time. (10% success rate comes from partners getting upset enough that it kinda forces me to trudge through it). And getting a job again? That's a pipe dream. I can't even imagine it. Between my constantly rotating around the clock sleep schedule, random back and arm pain, lack of motivation, the anxiety of being around people again, having no marketable skills, my hatred of capitalism, etc… I just can't.

I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop? Like… eventually my partners will throw me out anyway right? I mean it's been 7 years of me being a worthless leech, surely they're almost done putting up with me? And then I can finally overcome SI and ctb? But I just dunno what to do in the meantime. I'm tired of trying. I'm bored all the time. When I occasionally find something new to hyperfixate on I lose interest within a week…

And then I look at what I've typed and I feel like I'm over exaggerating. I feel like if I was actually messed up I would've attempted at least once by now. I feel like I should be unable to mask the pain in my day to day. I feel like I should be super moody/emo/crying all the time or something. I feel like a fucking fake that's just lazy and looking for an excuse. I feel like I'm unworthy of ctb. Like yeah I've got some problems (some of which are listed here) but most of it just… isn't that big of a deal? Like so many people struggle to have food to eat, get trafficked, etc… while I live a perfect life. Like how many people can say "yeah I literally sit on the couch all day and do whatever the fuck I want".

Idk… is any of this relatable? Or am I just crazy? Does anyone happen to have any advice on anything?

Don't feel bad. Perhaps, and I don't know you, perhaps you don't want to cbt, that is fine.

 

[Source Energy]

I used to be like this. Now I got it, ordering the rest, and I will most likely do it soon, for I came to terms with it.
When the pain of living becomes unbearable, the fear of death disappears.
You'll know when you're ready, but I would worry that SN can become hard to get as it grows in popularity

 

[spacehardware]

I relate to your post. I also loaded the checkout screen many times over a number of months and backed out each time. I felt a bit like if I ordered it, it would be real, my exit would be solidified, concrete. Then one day of hovering over the button I just clicked purchase. This weird feeling came over me, idk how to describe it. Like a flush of guilt I guess, regret maybe. It only lasted 30 seconds or so. Then I relaxed back, and felt glad that I'd finally ordered it after all that time. It arrived within three weeks (last month) and I've had a sense of calm ever since, comfort knowing that I've got what I need for when the time is right. I have things I need to sort first, put in place, finances and whatnot. But just having it here ready, I feel so much better.

Even if you purchase it, it doesn't mean you have to go through with anything. Nothing is set in stone, you can still change your mind at any stage.

 

[The Eeyorish One]

Thank you to everyone who's replied… it's nice to feel understood at least. I don't want to quote each reply since it would add a lot of bloat but I will address some points.

1. The idea of volunteering is a good idea, though I would need several things to work out first. Namely, I would need to regain some energy, find a place that would allow me to back out easily for a few days in case my back or arm pain flares up, and also learn how to drive again (I haven't driven in 7 years or so… idk I just get a crap ton of anxiety from it).

2. Multiple people have pointed out that I don't seem ready to ctb, and as much as I hate it, I agree. It's just frustrating because I don't think I really have a desire to live or get better at this point, but I don't have a strong enough desire to ctb either. So I guess by default, that means I'm committing to living for now :/

3. I also worry about SN becoming more restrictive as time goes on. The two things holding me back from purchasing it are it would make the whole thing real, and that if I fuck up and get caught with it (like if it's not discrete shipping and one of my two partners can tell something is off), then I'll be off to the ward. This would probably set off the chain of events that I fear the most which I described in my original post, though it's possible if I don't actually attempt with it I may not be thrown out at least.

4. I'll also say that this forum is the only place that I've ever been able to open up to completely. It's still a little hard to do since I feel like a fraud, or that I may bring others down, or waste others time, but I guess since everyone here has common ground to some extent it's been easier to share. I often want to reach out, vent, or whatever but it never feels like it's appropriate outside of here… so I guess thank you to everyone in this community for making it feel like I can share.

5. I also just wanted to end by apologizing to everyone as well. I'm sorry that everyone here is having such a hard time. I wish the best for all of you and I wish there was a way to help, or magically fix all our problems.

 

[Tartuffe]

Having it is more of a relief than not having it.

 

[Source Energy]

Having it is more of a relief than not having it.

As someone who just got it, I agree! Just knowing it's there, in the medicine drawer, comforts me.

 

[Tartuffe]

As someone who just got it, I agree! Just knowing it's there, in the medicine drawer, comforts me.

More in charge of my own destiny is how I feel, I'd try hanging but with trials I cant pass out and I dont know if I could jump in front of a train. Having SN is a relief

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thank you to everyone who's replied… it's nice to feel understood at least. I don't want to quote each reply since it would add a lot of bloat but I will address some points.

1. The idea of volunteering is a good idea, though I would need several things to work out first. Namely, I would need to regain some energy, find a place that would allow me to back out easily for a few days in case my back or arm pain flares up, and also learn how to drive again (I haven't driven in 7 years or so… idk I just get a crap ton of anxiety from it).

2. Multiple people have pointed out that I don't seem ready to ctb, and as much as I hate it, I agree. It's just frustrating because I don't think I really have a desire to live or get better at this point, but I don't have a strong enough desire to ctb either. So I guess by default, that means I'm committing to living for now :/

3. I also worry about SN becoming more restrictive as time goes on. The two things holding me back from purchasing it are it would make the whole thing real, and that if I fuck up and get caught with it (like if it's not discrete shipping and one of my two partners can tell something is off), then I'll be off to the ward. This would probably set off the chain of events that I fear the most which I described in my original post, though it's possible if I don't actually attempt with it I may not be thrown out at least.

4. I'll also say that this forum is the only place that I've ever been able to open up to completely. It's still a little hard to do since I feel like a fraud, or that I may bring others down, or waste others time, but I guess since everyone here has common ground to some extent it's been easier to share. I often want to reach out, vent, or whatever but it never feels like it's appropriate outside of here… so I guess thank you to everyone in this community for making it feel like I can share.

5. I also just wanted to end by apologizing to everyone as well. I'm sorry that everyone here is having such a hard time. I wish the best for all of you and I wish there was a way to help, or magically fix all our problems.

Most people find having the means at hand helps them to go on. I wonder if you can rent a private mailbox. I think if life doesn't somehow improve you'll find the will to CTB.


If you're in America, volunteermatch.com is a good tool to use. The places should be open about what kind of commitment they expect. Could your partner give you rides initially? Especially since they seem to be dissatisfied with your lack of engagement.

 

[The Eeyorish One]

Most people find having the means at hand helps them to go on. I wonder if you can rent a private mailbox. I think if life doesn't somehow improve you'll find the will to CTB.


If you're in America, volunteermatch.com is a good tool to use. The places should be open about what kind of commitment they expect. Could your partner give you rides initially? Especially since they seem to be dissatisfied with your lack of engagement.

I could probably find a way to rent one if it's not too expensive, but idk how I'd get to it without anyone noticing. Also the source I have requires the id address to match the shipping address so I'd have to get a different source.

One partner works from home, and the one that's not so happy with me works… idk what term to use… but like a normal job where you're not working from home lol? I could probably get a ride here or there from the partner that works from home as long as they had enough notice and it wasn't all the time, or was only on weekends. I'll give the website a look though, and idk, maybe I can work something out. Anyways thanks for the suggestions!