I just want to tell somebody

[a.n.kirillov]

...so badly. I am like a pressure cooker with this shit inside of me and the dishonesty is killing me. All this pretending and hiding is dehumanizing and it's making me become bitter towards other people.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I get that. When I've told people in the past they haven't coped well. I've called the Samaritans before and they were surprisingly understanding and non judgemental as well as being anonymous. Would that help you maybe?

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Maybe... Maybe I'll try from a phone booth or some way that's really anonymous.

Did they just listen? I thought maybe talking to a pastor (even though I'm not religious) could help.

 

[HereToday]

I told several people in real life. They didn't give a single fuck, started treating me differently, or flat out stopped talking to me. Felt even worse after, knowing no one cares. Just be aware that might happen

 

[a.n.kirillov]

That's so fucking sad. Don't we deserve to be treated better? Maybe it's my idealism that's killing me. I imagine myself living in a tribe in the Amazon where a shaman takes care of people with a spiritual crisis and goes to the underworld with you to rescue your soul or something lol. It's despicable how we treat each other. The worst is when you see it in yourself but don't have the integrity to put it right or change.

Just be aware that might happen

I guess we know this unconsciously and keep quiet because of it.

 

[Flume]

Unless you really trust someone then I would stay away from it. More than not it turns out really badly, people are fucking dumb and have no idea on how to deal with this. Talking about death is really REALLY hard for normal people, like... if you only knew. Unless you're really sure about the person and it feels like you can trust em then it's honestly better to just stay silent.

But... what you can do is, not talk about suicidal thoughts, but talk about what causes them instead. Why are you having thoughts about death? Money, relationship problems, feeling like an outsider, trust issues? Whatever it is talk about that, talk about the issues that gives you suicidal thoughts. It's better that way.

If you say "hey I don't feel like living anymore" the first thing you will get back is why? So you need to explain why your feel this way no matter what. And also... conversations go better if you have a single topic to focus in on and dive into. "Suicide" is not a topic, it's a whole life The topic "suicide" is HUGE. It's years and years of hurt from all kinds of places over many years, it's not... focused. It's not, one thing. If you go into a talk with "suicide" as a topic. It won't lead anywhere because there's so much to talk about.

Try and figure out what hurts the most right now, focus in on one thing. Maybe someone broke your heart and you have a hard time getting over it? That's one thing to talk about, after you have this topic in your head, find someone you trust and try to talk about it.

If that goes well, maybe.... maybe you can escalate after a while and be totally honest if it feels ok for you. If it feel ok for YOU, no one else. Don't ever forget that. But... don't start off with "hey I can die any day now" that's not a good idea, that's to much to fast.

If you decide to speak to someone anonymously, or with someone that you know for sure won't report you. Then it's ok to let it all out if you want to this text is for "regular" people, your friends loved ones etc.

Gl friend

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Maybe... Maybe I'll try from a phone booth or some way that's really anonymous.

Did they just listen? I thought maybe talking to a pastor (even though I'm not religious) could help.

I actually asked them... is this truly anonymous, can you get my ID?
They said yes it's anonymous we don't see a number and no details except what you give us.
I asked what about if someone is going to kill themselves?
They said that they are pro choice and even if you told them your name etc they wouldn't tell the police or anyone, unless you were under 18 or going to perform a terrorist act.
They said, and this shocked me, that if you were going to make an attempt, they'd stay with you on the phone so you weren't alone.
Seriously, not kidding here. I'm in the UK so I don't know what it's like where ever you are but I looked up their policies online and it tallies.
I've called many times over four years from my home phone and no police have knocked at my door. They've been understanding and listened. They don't offer advice and can't solve you problems but will listen and not judge. At least that's my experience of them.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Oh that's really nice to know! The usual stuff about hotlines you read online is harrowing but this sounds really good.
If they accept callers from other EU countries then it shouldn't be a problem, my English is decent enough.

But how the hell is that supposed to be legal, especially in the UK??

Edit: Crazy, I just looked it up and there are no duty to rescue laws in the UK (https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/259889). In Germany you'd face criminal charges for something like that.

 

[Jean4]

Vent here. People on the outside do not understand. They will never understand because they aren't in the pain that we are in.

 

[134340]

Interesting info on the Samaritans, everyone who feels completely isolated due to their thoughts/plans of ctb should be aware of how helpful they seem to be.

Otherwise, I would encourage you to reach out to people on here. I've become friends with a few really great people. We all get each other in a way that many outsiders don't, and that's so valuable when you feel like you're ready to implode.

 

[thelastchicken]

Unless you really trust someone then I would stay away from it. More than not it turns out really badly, people are fucking dumb and have no idea on how to deal with this. Talking about death is really REALLY hard for normal people, like... if you only knew. Unless you're really sure about the person and it feels like you can trust em then it's honestly better to just stay silent.

But... what you can do is, not talk about suicidal thoughts, but talk about what causes them instead. Why are you having thoughts about death? Money, relationship problems, feeling like an outsider, trust issues? Whatever it is talk about that, talk about the issues that gives you suicidal thoughts. It's better that way.

If you say "hey I don't feel like living anymore" the first thing you will get back is why? So you need to explain why your feel this way no matter what. And also... conversations go better if you have a single topic to focus in on and dive into. "Suicide" is not a topic, it's a whole life The topic "suicide" is HUGE. It's years and years of hurt from all kinds of places over many years, it's not... focused. It's not, one thing. If you go into a talk with "suicide" as a topic. It won't lead anywhere because there's so much to talk about.

Try and figure out what hurts the most right now, focus in on one thing. Maybe someone broke your heart and you have a hard time getting over it? That's one thing to talk about, after you have this topic in your head, find someone you trust and try to talk about it.

If that goes well, maybe.... maybe you can escalate after a while and be totally honest if it feels ok for you. If it feel ok for YOU, no one else. Don't ever forget that. But... don't start off with "hey I can die any day now" that's not a good idea, that's to much to fast.

If you decide to speak to someone anonymously, or with someone that you know for sure won't report you. Then it's ok to let it all out if you want to this text is for "regular" people, your friends loved ones etc.

Gl friend

I absolutely love your post. One line of it felt so memorable, that I couldn't resist and put it in my account's custom title, along with your username. Is that ok with you? If not, I will remove.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

@Flume somehow overlooked your post. I have a few people that I can trust very much and they know my struggles at least to the extend that it wouldn't totally surprise them were I to be found dead. But then again, a very good friend of mine said the other day, when we somehow got to the topic of suicide, that, were he really concerned about me trying to harm myself, he'd come over to my house and knock down the door and speak to me. And I thought about that; do I really want him to know? because, if I decide to go through with it, he will forever live with this thought, that he didn't intervene (as in call the cops, get me sectioned, etc..) and putting him in this dilemma is something I'm not really comfortable with. I'd rather tell him 'nah, I wouldn't ever do something that serious' and then catch him by surprise, to make it easier for him.

Then there are friends for whom, like you said, the topic is so far out that they'd probably start avoiding me out of sheer inability to handle the weight of the situation. It was only at New Year's that I've realized how innocent some of them really are; one of them brought up some textbook moral dilemmas (like the train track one) and a few of the others were actually appalled and started getting angry at him for 'ruining the mood with such dark matters' and that 'we should be glad we don't have to deal with such things in real life'... That was actually quite the revelation to me: in that people can go through almost thirty years of their life with so little suffering, so protected, that they wouldn't understand someone considering suicide in a million years.

 

[Flume]

@Flume somehow overlooked your post. I have a few people that I can trust very much and they know my struggles at least to the extend that it wouldn't totally surprise them were I to be found dead. But then again, a very good friend of mine said the other day, when we somehow got to the topic of suicide, that, were he really concerned about me trying to harm myself, he'd come over to my house and knock down the door and speak to me. And I thought about that; do I really want him to know? because, if I decide to go through with it, he will forever live with this thought, that he didn't intervene (as in call the cops, get me sectioned, etc..) and putting him in this dilemma is something I'm not really comfortable with. I'd rather tell him 'nah, I wouldn't ever do something that serious' and then catch him by surprise, to make it easier for him.

Then there are friends for whom, like you said, the topic is so far out that they'd probably start avoiding me out of sheer inability to handle the weight of the situation. It was only at New Year's that I've realized how innocent some of them really are; one of them brought up some textbook moral dilemmas (like the train track one) and a few of the others were actually appalled and started getting angry at him for 'ruining the mood with such dark matters' and that 'we should be glad we don't have to deal with such things in real life'... That was actually quite the revelation to me: in that people can go through almost thirty years of their life with so little suffering, so protected, that they wouldn't understand someone considering suicide in a million years.

I have no idea who this person is, no idea what their like, what they believe in... nothing. I can't help you with your decision, only you know what's best here...
But, if you decide to end it. There's going to be guilt no matter what... you can't escape that. The ones around you will feel guilty for not being there for you if you die, it doesn't matter if you tell em now or if they find out before it's to late... guilt amongst a lot of other feelings will hang over them afterwards.

If this person walked to your house knocked on the door just to check that you were safe, that means that he cares A LOT. It may seem small, but jesus christ that act is so rare for someone to actually do. You still have people in your life you can trust, for me that is a very good sign. That's a sign that you can get out of this shit, it's not to late for you and I really mean that.

At a time like this... you NEED these people, you can't beat this by yourself you just can't. If you actually want to live, (and only you can decide that) you need a good solid support for you, so you can rise back up out of this. And the people around you can trust, is that support. The most important support anyway.

What you really need is a big warm hug from someone you trust, and they also need to show you that they actually care. And you, need to believe them.
Belive that they are actually telling the truth, that they care about you... and that loosing you would be a really bad thing. And from what I read that seems to be the case, it seems like you can get this. Which is why I think that if you want to live... then it's not to late.

The friend you talked about, the one that either said he would or did actually knock on your door. (he seems to be the closest one for you) I think you should go to him and try to have a talk. Don't start off with suicidal thoughts, do as I said. Go and talk about something that's hurting you, something that makes you want to die... but don't say that you want to die because of it. Instead you can say... I'm feeling insecure, my mind is racing, I'm having trouble sleeping whatever it is.

I want you to start off easy... and see what happens, see how it feels for you to share with him. If it feels good for you, then you can do it again. And eventually maybe... If it feels ok, you could bring on the whole truth.

This is what I think, this is based on my experience. But... I don't want you to listen to everything I wrote here. I want you to read, and then decide for yourself if it sounds good or not. Always think for yourself first hand.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Thanks for making such an effort writing this, it's appreciated!!

 

[Sideswipe]

...so badly. I am like a pressure cooker with this shit inside of me and the dishonesty is killing me. All this pretending and hiding is dehumanizing and it's making me become bitter towards other people.

I find Samaritans very useful for offloading., maybe worth a try?

 

[Flume]

I absolutely love your post. One line of it felt so memorable, that I couldn't resist and put it in my account's custom title, along with your username. Is that ok with you? If not, I will remove.

Yeah that's fine thanks for choosing me and my words

 

[Moonicide]

I find myself wanting to say it, because I yearn to be able to properly bid farewell to my loved ones, but they'd try to save me in the end. I understand they mean well, but in the end I have to do this alone and leave goodbye letters instead... Just know we are here for you and we are listening. You can tell us, you can share your pain and suffering with us, love. You are not alone in this community.

Sending you all of my love and support.

 

[Flume]

Thanks for making such an effort writing this, it's appreciated!!

In the beginning you can still be honest, I don't want you to lie. Just hold of with the suicidal thoughts until your feeling ready. Don't know if that came across or not.

But Gl either way whatever you decide to do.

 

[deadalready]

Maybe... Maybe I'll try from a phone booth or some way that's really anonymous.

Did they just listen? I thought maybe talking to a pastor (even though I'm not religious) could help.

Talked to a pastor once and they seemed to talk about me behind my back about someone wanting to die while others are buzy living

 

[Otter]

I told several people in real life. They didn't give a single fuck, started treating me differently, or flat out stopped talking to me. Felt even worse after, knowing no one cares. Just be aware that might happen

This has been my experience as well. They want us to ask for help, and then they run like cockroaches when you do. Noone is really equipped to help , even if it's just listening. And the medical field just wants to dope you up or confine you until your thought passes. It truly is a testament to how much the medical field really does.. not..understand!