I just want to let go now.

[Ineedapush]

Hi.

Thank you for coming in here to read this. I don't know what I'm doing so I apologise. I don't know what more to do right now. I've read a lot of other posts on here before and so much of what I read really mimics my life (once again showing me how not special I am or how not special life is). I have been dealing with depression for over 20 years and diagnosed with bi polar disorder and body dysmorphia for 15. I've tried drugs and therapy galore to help me love life and to find any sort of joy. It works for a short period of time and then something happens and reality sets in. The reality of how I don't deserve this life and how miserable things are. I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm just ready to end it. I hate this so much. I hate how I'm not strong or courageous enough to just CBT already. I have suspension hung myself twice but chickened out before I passed out both times. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want this all to go away now. I need guidence and support to help me achieve this goal I really need accomplish. The only goal that matters.

 

[Mich517]

Maybe night-night method? It is described in this forum. I'm going to try that method tonight first time. Also failed with partial suspension many times.

 

[Ineedapush]

Maybe night-night method? It is described in this forum. I'm going to try that method tonight first time. Also failed with partial suspension many times.

Oh! Thank you for the heads up on this method! I will certainly be looking into it. Good luck tonight. I hope you find your peace soon.

 

[Mich517]

I just tried that and it's hard unfortunately. I'm sorry if I wrote something redundantly.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Some people can and some can't, I guess. Hang themselves. I always had a fear of anything neck or throat related so I don't think I can do it. Never had much fear of anything head related though. That's why I used to punch myself in it and why I think one day I'll shoot myself in it.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I have tried partial and I can't get it right.... I never get to the passing out part.
I wanted to have something nice but fuck it- probably just shoot my self.

 

[Ineedapush]

Some people can and some can't, I guess. Hang themselves. I always had a fear of anything neck or throat related so I don't think I can do it. Never had much fear of anything head related though. That's why I used to punch myself in it and why I think one day I'll shoot myself in it.

I have thought about shooting myself. I don't want to leave my corpse mangled, however. If I'm already being a bother by killing myself and creating loss that people in my life will have to deal with, I want them to at least have the comfort of not having my body be in a horrific state. I may hate myself but I still love the people in my life who actually care and my death would effect.

 

[Ineedapush]

I have tried partial and I can't get it right.... I never get to the passing out part.
I wanted to have something nice but fuck it- probably just shoot my self.

Do you mind if I ask what you mean by "wanted to have something nice"?

 

[TooLate2582]

I can relate with the depression and dyamorphia....hugs

 

[Ineedapush]

I can relate with the depression and dyamorphia....hugs

*Hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this as well. Hopefully we both will be able to stop our pains soon enough somehow.

 

[usernameNotFound]

I have tried partial and I can't get it right.... I never get to the passing out part.
I wanted to have something nice but fuck it- probably just shoot my self.

Yeah I can't seem to make myself pass out either. People online describe it as being easy and painless but it hurts and I always panic.

 

[DontFearTheReaper]

Hi.

Thank you for coming in here to read this. I don't know what I'm doing so I apologise. I don't know what more to do right now. I've read a lot of other posts on here before and so much of what I read really mimics my life (once again showing me how not special I am or how not special life is). I have been dealing with depression for over 20 years and diagnosed with bi polar disorder and body dysmorphia for 15. I've tried drugs and therapy galore to help me love life and to find any sort of joy. It works for a short period of time and then something happens and reality sets in. The reality of how I don't deserve this life and how miserable things are. I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm just ready to end it. I hate this so much. I hate how I'm not strong or courageous enough to just CBT already. I have suspension hung myself twice but chickened out before I passed out both times. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want this all to go away now. I need guidence and support to help me achieve this goal I really need accomplish. The only goal that matters.

You dont deserve this misery. None of the people here do.

 

[TooLate2582]

*Hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this as well. Hopefully we both will be able to stop our pains soon enough somehow.

I have a few reasons for staying; mostly other people's selfishness but yeah.....it'd be nice. I'd settle for marginal happiness and not having an ED

 

[suffering]

I can't do it neither. I'm one of those miserable souls who will live till death takes me.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Do you mind if I ask what you mean by "wanted to have something nice"?

I have attempted to kill myself twice-admittedly the second time was more a desperate reaction to failure. But I OD'ed the first time. I planned it out, I had to lie to two doctors and save meds for 3 months. And it went far enough for me to know it was going to be perfect.
What I mean by nice- is just something easy and painless/less painful. I just wanted to clean myself up, lay down and let those pills take me to a place where I am not sad, where I am not a disappointment and I am not hurting. I wouldn't leave a mess for the person who found me. I wouldn't have to gasp and struggle out of this place- I wouldn't have to push myself into harm and I could leave without being scared....
I didn't want to die scared and crying. But hey, one more thing I don't get.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Yeah I can't seem to make myself pass out either. People online describe it as being easy and painless but it hurts and I always panic.

I just sit there like an idiot.... I know I must be doing something wrong- people seem to hang themselves super easy and reliably... but I guess I am literally so stupid I can't kill myself.... plus if it isn't going to work I can't have those ligature marks on my neck- I would never be able to explain that.

 

[Tomoe]

I've been looking into SN, that's probably how I'll go through