Venting I just want something to change. Anything is better than this.

[yeahokbuddyboy]

Honestly I am so numb I don't care what happens after I attempt, success or failure. I know that's short-sighted and stupid considering the repercussions on my health in the form of brain damage, etc, and the pain caused to my family, but I've slowly let my life become this weird bastardized version of the good thing it used to be and I just want to move on in some way.

I originally intended to CTB weeks ago, so I've already let all the normal stuff in life go. I've been skipping work and I'm surprised I haven't been talked to about it; I've fully neglected college and haven't gone to classes in weeks; I don't want to still be here in this condition when my parents learn about my failing grades in December. I'm a total social recluse except for necessary interactions with my roommates. No one suspects anything is wrong, though, because I have no friends and I've maintained this veneer of normalcy. Even my girlfriend, the only friend I've ever had and the one person I thought I could talk to about anything, doesn't have a clue as far as I can tell. I now know I am not and never was strong enough to talk to her about anything.

I want something to change, but I don't want attention, I don't want help, I don't even know how much I want to die; I think it's just that my will to continue and fix things is so low that it's the most reasonable option.

At least if I end up a vegetable it's a good reason for me not to amount to anything.

 

[Jolene79]

Sounds like typical severe depression. What I hate about being human is we usually never know why we feel like this and if it will ever get better. I don't believe it's the natural human state to feel so horrific.

Antidepressants did really help me many years ago. It just changed how I felt. It took 6 weeks and it was really tough to wait it out. That's too much for many of us sometimes. I couldn't tolerate that right now myself but I'm older and very sick physically.

I hope something changes for you. Life can be an absolute bastard for some of us.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Can you pinpoint to any kind of concrete reasons that have caused you to enter this kind of mental state, where you have trouble motivating yourself to carry out your responsibilities and have isolated, even more than usual? That is, stuff beyond amorphous depression that afflicts a lot of us here.