I just read a separate forum post by a guy whose son died and the anguish he's in and it's fucking up my resolve to end it

[passepar2t]

I have a long term plan to kill myself, it's probably not going to be for another year yet, for various reasons that I won't get into. The goal is, in a year, to move to a state with lax gun laws, go through my cursory background check, buy a shotgun and do my thing.

I have successfully lost all of my friends except one. But I failed at destroying my relationship with my brother and my mother and I think they will both be very upset if I kill myself, my brother especially. The friend too. They're all really good people and the thought of causing them pain is currently making me tear up.

Should I just suck it up and continue living in a constant stream of nightmarish humiliation for their sake or should I choose my self-interest and go through with it? Everything has been in a slow crumble for me for many years now, each day is worse than the previous one and I don't think I can realistically fix it at this point.

I think they all suspect I really want to die but I have no idea if they think it's just ideation on my part or if I'm really gonna do it.

Please help, I'm pretty lost right now.

 

[Cleanthes]

The way I understand it, on this forum people give impartial advice, neither urging another person to kill themselves, nor guilt-tripping them out of it. I know about the effect of suicide on remaining family members. In the UK for many years now there have been Shadow of Suicide (SoS) groups which specialise in helping remaining relatives...it's a big thing, because family and loved ones who are left behind often never stop asking themselves, if they had done something different, could this all have been averted ? In some cases that can cause guilt and depression. And in some cases it seems to precipitate other family members and loved ones to also kill themselves. One of the commonalities of suicide is constricted thought, like tunnel vision, when the person does not even consider the possible consequences of their actions. So if I can give any advice at all, it seems to me if you are even asking this question, then your thinking is not so restricted and perhaps you shouldn't be hasty and should take more time to consider other options you may have, for example how to live differently or even in a different place in order to escape the "constant stream of nightmarish humiliation."

 

[TAW122]

It's really hard to not have a death not affect others, that much is true. With that said, I think the best thing you could do is to write a comforting note explaining your decision and try to console them. What they do, think, or react after your passing is not something that you can control (or anyone beside themselves). The best thing I could suggest is to find peace within you on whatever decision you ultimately end up making.

 

[purplemoon]

if you are feeling that torn to wait before ctb because you're worried about how sad they will be, and think waiting is possibly better for you.

Besides, your body can sense if you're subconsciously considering staying alive since you are not completely at peace of letting go this earthly realm so your survival instinct will be harder to overcome...

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Suicide will deeply traumatise relatives and any close friend. It's unavoidable. Denying that is blinkered.

 

[purplemoon]

Suicide will deeply traumatise relatives and any close friend. It's unavoidable. Denying that is blinkered.

i know you are right of course, it's part of the reason i'm torn about my future ctb.
i just meant that survival instinct would affect them even more.

Peace

 

[AlreadyGone]

That is a decision you will need to make. Personally, I have reached a point where I do not care how much my family grieves. They are not experiencing the pain I am experiencing and I cannot stick around to make them happy when I am unhappy.

 

[highlyvolatile]

That is a decision you will need to make. Personally, I have reached a point where I do not care how much my family grieves. They are not experiencing the pain I am experiencing and I cannot stick around to make them happy when I am unhappy.

I feel this too. I know they'll be grieving but I'm serious about ctb and I've stuck around this long for them. This would be doing something for me.

 

[passepar2t]

Y'all are right. Fuck 'em. I'm going to leave.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Y'all are right. Fuck 'em. I'm going to leave.

Yeah, I don't take any particular pleasure loving this post but it's Spot. Fucking. On.

The rest of my fam a lam a ding dongs were able to have normal lives because of sacrifices I made from my youth, or they have happy memories from being younger. So ultimately: fuck 'em, I got hit with the 'tism stick. The time has come to pull the ejection handle.

 

[come to dust]

you don't owe it to anyone to live for them. it's your life, not there's. the same way you are not obliged to be friends, be in a relationship etc. you are not obliged to exist for their sake.

 

[Depressive1995]

I have the same problem, the reason why I'm trapped in life, I dont see nothing to solve this...it's horror

 

[Jean4]

My opinion. If you need to ask strangers on a forum if you should CTB, it isn't your time. If it was, the pain would be so great, you wouldn't care about the anguish your death would cause others.