Venting I just need someone to talk

[albert_camus]

I'm sorry, I just need someone to "talk" about it. I just need to vent, I don't have anyone to talk about these things (obviously). I went to a party yesterday, had too much alcohol for my mental state, met my ex again (I still miss her, even tho I'm still mad af), saw some friends (I feel like I'm drifting away from my friends) and the moment I arrived at home I felt like shit (even more than before), soo I kinda stopped for a minute, deciding what to do, "told" some people that I love 'em and then I took my scarf and I kinda tried to ctb, but I was too afraid that I'd survive (again)+ idk it also felt weird knowing if I pass out I probably won't ever wake up again and my parents would find me in the morning, so after considering for about 45min I decided to go to sleep, but I'm not really happy about my decision. I'm 99% sure that I'll ctb sooner or later, prolly as soon as my parents are no longer here, so tbh, I just should have done it. I'm in such a weird mental state rn. Idk what to do. I don't even know why exactly I did it. Maybe I just should keep going for a lil longer, finally speak my mind and idk...
I'm such an idiot.