Ifonlysheknew
Member
- Apr 24, 2018
- 31
With everything that's happened in my life, I just feel like I'm on a constant rollercoaster. No matter what I do, just when I think things are okay and stable, it flips and I'm forced to go back to reality.
Whatever I say, whatever I do, doesn't matter. I talk and try and hope, and I'm always back here, hopeless and helpless.
I feel absolutely alone. Ffs I'm writing an anonymous venting thread addressed to no one. I thought I felt this way cuz my mom died and all, but no. I've felt this way before. I keep feeling this way. It's not anything external, it's just _me_.
I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It feels like I'm trying so fucking hard but it doesn't matter. All it takes is one mistake and it all comes crashing down. I don't know why I bother typing, or talking, or breathing. It means nothing. It is it for me, this is my fate.
I can deal with that. I can deal with doing this myself, I can deal with reading parenting books to learn to raise myself well, I can deal with having to maintain straight A *, I can deal with the violence and the instability and the ache, with knowing there's no one that's gonna give a fuck cuz let's be honest, it's a man eat man world and the only person that'd have a real emotional tie would be your mother. Mines dead, and it's not like I got much time with her before anyways.
All I ask, just one thing, is to half just half a minute of a break. To feel safe. To not have to worry, keep my guard up and be ready for a fight.
What did I do? To have this follow me forever? I'm doing everything I can think of to try to fix myself. Even therapy isn't working. What can I do to make this pain go away?
If there's a god out there, please hear my prayer.
I remain a hopeless lump on scum on the ground, writhing in pain and trying to reach out to call for help.
I have nothing, and I have no one.
I sit here and wait for someone, anyone, to read what I write and reply. For a random stranger to validate what I feel. To validate what I can't. It's pathetic, really.
It's come to the point that I'm so desperate, this is what I resort to.
I don't know what else to do. I know nothing I do matters. I know this isn't gonna change anything. I'm so hopeless I can't think of any other options. I'm just here, waiting for something to happen. Cuz I'm to coward to just end it myself, of course.
Whatever I say, whatever I do, doesn't matter. I talk and try and hope, and I'm always back here, hopeless and helpless.
I feel absolutely alone. Ffs I'm writing an anonymous venting thread addressed to no one. I thought I felt this way cuz my mom died and all, but no. I've felt this way before. I keep feeling this way. It's not anything external, it's just _me_.
I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It feels like I'm trying so fucking hard but it doesn't matter. All it takes is one mistake and it all comes crashing down. I don't know why I bother typing, or talking, or breathing. It means nothing. It is it for me, this is my fate.
I can deal with that. I can deal with doing this myself, I can deal with reading parenting books to learn to raise myself well, I can deal with having to maintain straight A *, I can deal with the violence and the instability and the ache, with knowing there's no one that's gonna give a fuck cuz let's be honest, it's a man eat man world and the only person that'd have a real emotional tie would be your mother. Mines dead, and it's not like I got much time with her before anyways.
All I ask, just one thing, is to half just half a minute of a break. To feel safe. To not have to worry, keep my guard up and be ready for a fight.
What did I do? To have this follow me forever? I'm doing everything I can think of to try to fix myself. Even therapy isn't working. What can I do to make this pain go away?
If there's a god out there, please hear my prayer.
I remain a hopeless lump on scum on the ground, writhing in pain and trying to reach out to call for help.
I have nothing, and I have no one.
I sit here and wait for someone, anyone, to read what I write and reply. For a random stranger to validate what I feel. To validate what I can't. It's pathetic, really.
It's come to the point that I'm so desperate, this is what I resort to.
I don't know what else to do. I know nothing I do matters. I know this isn't gonna change anything. I'm so hopeless I can't think of any other options. I'm just here, waiting for something to happen. Cuz I'm to coward to just end it myself, of course.
Last edited:
