I just made a final vet appointment for my cat...final for me I mean

[oopswronglife]

Her normal appointment is in Spring but I have this need to make sure she is fine at the last minute before I go...if I can get the courage to follow through (with ctb...not the vet...the vet doesn't bother me at all and they are lovely...the cat has an entirely different opinion however and makes a show of being mad for 12-24 hours post visit...usually involves pooping in the car and lots of glaring). Leaving her is a huge source of stress for me and if there was any way I could get the money and stability to survive until she died naturally and then ctb I would do it...but she has potentially over 10-15 years left and I won't make it that many days or weeks the way it's going. I've organized her records, stocked up food and toys, and left detailed instructions and money for the shit family who will have her...who have promised that if anything happened to me they would adopt her out to someone...and despite their lack of follow through in general in my life I have to believe they will do right this time. She is sitting next to me right now. She doesn't like being indoors much, especially when the weather is decent, and she is sitting right here like she knows. Or maybe it's the treats in my pocket...it's probably that.

God I love her so much and hate that I will not be here for her...fantasizing about a last minute lotto win or some miracle where I could move back to Europe with her and live in a small flat...just us...it would be enough. I hope there is a cat heaven and I can go there instead and wait for her. Probably sounds ridiculous to a non cat person...but she is everything here, the only good thing in my life locally and the only thing at all, aside from two people abroad who I will never see again. Going to buy lottery tickets to check on the planned night hoping the complete lack of luck for most of my life changes and I can smoosh her face and tell her we are moving while she gives me that annoyed "put me down" look and wiggles away.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Thank you for making well organized plans for her.
I hope that you hit the Lotto.
Please give her several "smooshes" from me—and my cats.
Peace and comfort,

 

[Jean4]

One of the reasons I am still here is because of my cats. I have 4 and will not leave them. I understand.

 

[oopswronglife]

Packed everything in a Rubbermaid bin with her records on top so it's ostensibly ready to go. Probably should get more treats though. Got her some new toys as well...she loved the cheap feather wand surprisingly. She seems to find most toys I have tried to be interesting anywhere in the wide range of about zero to three minutes, then never again.

I so don't want to go...and I don't want to be away from her...but things are just so bad I see no practical solution for any of it. What a mess.

 

[Jean4]

Packed everything in a Rubbermaid bin with her records on top so it's ostensibly ready to go. Probably should get more treats though. Got her some new toys as well...she loved the cheap feather wand surprisingly. She seems to find most toys I have tried to be interesting anywhere in the wide range of about zero to three minutes, then never again.

I so don't want to go...and I don't want to be away from her...but things are just so bad I see no practical solution for any of it. What a mess.

I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I'm sorry isn't strong enough.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

My heart goes out to you. I'm a cat lover too.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm so sorry, love... I'm also struggling with the fact I'm leaving a pet behind as I'm all he knows. But you are doing all that you can to make sure your pet lives comfortably after you leave this world and that makes you a very good pet owner. I know she appreciates all that you do for her in life and after life.

 

[oopswronglife]

I can't help draw the parallel between how much I have been abandoned by people, society, and systems and while I know I am not doing it in a dismissive, blaming, and sometimes even malicious way as they have, at the end of the day I am still leaving her to an uncertain future no matter how well I plan. She won't understand why I am gone in the same way I didn't understand and never forgave my parents for the endless divorces and marriages etc. I am sure they justified the damage they left behind to themselves as I am trying to do now. I just cannot survive without help, can't get help, and without me surviving sustainably I cannot care for this beautiful little creature...so while it FEELS different...maybe it's not. I am sure they thought they were good people too...demonstrably not...but surely they thought so. Maybe I am not either. I need to believe the difference is I am not just bailing on her to go off and live another more convenient life where I COULD take her but am refusing...like people who move and leave animals in the house...but again...to the animal does it matter? Hopefully she will be given to a loving family and be even better off and not care as long as she is loved and fed and warm. I am laying on the guilt hard in my letter to "family" who promised to find her a better home because without me doing all the work they can't be bothered...hoping for once they actually do something good. I know they will feed and water her in the meantime. It's not like she will be tossed in the street. They just won't spend as much time with her and be as conscientious about everything, won't clean her space up enough etc, change box enough.

When I was in town at the Petsmart getting her stuff for the stock up there were a few cats there for adoption. One was getting adopted at that time and I felt so bad for the other two. They were so sweet and calm just looking through the glass. I asked if I could buy and give them some special treats and they said no...fucking bureaucracy. They were only "allowed" to be fed the specific stocked food for the cats up for adoption. No health reason or any legitimate one...just fucking politics. Of course it would be somehow "wrong" to give a cat who is in a little box alone something tasty for Christmas right? People are shit. Killed me I couldn't take them both and give my girl some friends. I always wanted another cat for her to hang out with, but given the situation here and how they are I didn't want to put another one in a potential problem situaiton. If I get that lotto win the night before I ctb I am setting up nice shelters all over. Cats are the best thing in the world.