Venting I just had a terrifying thought

[Baron]

Over the past and this year I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life and suicide. And ultimately, around 4 months ago, I came to the conclusion, that everything is meaningless, even death itself, and that it doesnt matter if I continue living and keep living in my delusion of life. That it doesnt matter if I die now or in 5 years. But now I had a thought that made me question everything again. What if I am just using meaninglessness as a way to cope with myself and as a way to dodge suicide? What if my conclusion is not the real conclusion, just some fake one I fabricated to suite my needs? What if I should just kill myself as fast as possible and I am trying to escape that realization? Right now my reality seems so unreal. I just stood in my room and looked around, and everything felt so unreal. I hope that this is just for tonight, but then again: What if this hope is my delusion again? I want to believe in something that makes sence to me and that I preceive as the right choice. But right to me nothing makes sence.
Thank you for reading, SS really helps me process my feelings.

 

[kiki <3]

everything really does feel so surreal, i relate hard. as well as confusing my hope with delusion.

sometimes i catch myself in my room, and i can't even move. i have to tell myself that i am, in fact, living in this moment otherwise i will just... stand like that, in utter disbelief. it does not feel real, as i have a pictured a completely different world for everyone to be in. this is not how life should be for anyone. it feels like a sick joke.

sending hugs <3

 

[nir]

Over the past and this year I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life and suicide. And ultimately, around 4 months ago, I came to the conclusion, that everything is meaningless, even death itself, and that it doesnt matter if I continue living and keep living in my delusion of life. That it doesnt matter if I die now or in 5 years. But now I had a thought that made me question everything again. What if I am just using meaninglessness as a way to cope with myself and as a way to dodge suicide? What if my conclusion is not the real conclusion, just some fake one I fabricated to suite my needs? What if I should just kill myself as fast as possible and I am trying to escape that realization? Right now my reality seems so unreal. I just stood in my room and looked around, and everything felt so unreal. I hope that this is just for tonight, but then again: What if this hope is my delusion again? I want to believe in something that makes sence to me and that I preceive as the right choice. But right to me nothing makes sence.
Thank you for reading, SS really helps me process my feelings.

I deal with derealization and depersonalization. I know what you mean by feeling like things "aren't real". It has gotten significantly better for me over the years, but I had to go on anti-depressants and talk to mental healthcare professionals to figure out what was the base issue of me "zoning out", to put it lightly. It's super scary and it made me feel very numb until we started fixing it. I still get it sometimes, but it's not nearly as bad. Disassociating is common, but man is it scary. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think a lot of people unknowingly disassociate as a way to cope with larger feelings, but they don't realise that it can make them feel worse.