Venting i just feel awful

[window]

its been a while since ive been on this site. i try to get better and nothing works. im losing friends who i would give my life for in a heartbeat. i care too much. ive felt like a horrible person too recently. i feel like im screaming for attention. im starting to do dumb shit for even the slightest bit of attention, shit i dont even wanna do for attention that i dont even want. but it's validation and my brain loves it. im always irritable. its weird. i have friends but i feel so goddamn empty. i thought things would get better in college, id meet new people, finally start doing things on my own track. it's just so hard. i relapsed after 4.5 months. i wanna say i was doing good but i wasnt. it felt so good to relapse. i hate venting. i feel fucking sick. i dont have anyone left so im relying on strangers who know what it's like. i have so much on my mind that i dont even know where to start. i cant talk to my therapist. i wish everyone would forget me so i could ctb without shame. i hate this i hate this i just want to tear my skin off. i cant keep living like this. i love you all so so much. i can't put it in words. thank you to those who listen.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in an existence you hate, it must be tiring what you are going through but anyway best wishes.

 

[Blue Elephant]

@window thank you for sharing! We love you too!

 

[Enlighten]

That's what this forum is for. If you can't talk to your therapist, i hope you can talk here. I for one am ready to listen to what you have to say. What is bothering you most right now?

 

[window]

That's what this forum is for. If you can't talk to your therapist, i hope you can talk here. I for one am ready to listen to what you have to say. What is bothering you most right now?

hey thanks so much <3 I guess it's hard to say. I just feel so empty, like there's no use to keep pushing anymore. I wonder if something's wrong with me as a person because of how many people leave me. just recently I thought I was making a close friend just to find out he had a crush on me, and when I tell him I'm not interested he completely cuts contact. everything pisses me off nowadays and I hate it. I have no energy whatsoever and sleep all the time. I don't even have motivation to do things I enjoy. I try and leave the house almost everyday, go out, do something but it's so hard. my relapse felt so good, I feel like I deserve it. it's sad but it's the only thing that brings me joy I guess. maybe joy isn't even the word. it's just nice to feel something. I kinda just went off and ranted but yeah it's just so bad rn idk why

 

[Enlighten]

hey thanks so much <3 I guess it's hard to say. I just feel so empty, like there's no use to keep pushing anymore. I wonder if something's wrong with me as a person because of how many people leave me. just recently I thought I was making a close friend just to find out he had a crush on me, and when I tell him I'm not interested he completely cuts contact. everything pisses me off nowadays and I hate it. I have no energy whatsoever and sleep all the time. I don't even have motivation to do things I enjoy. I try and leave the house almost everyday, go out, do something but it's so hard. my relapse felt so good, I feel like I deserve it. it's sad but it's the only thing that brings me joy I guess. maybe joy isn't even the word. it's just nice to feel something. I kinda just went off and ranted but yeah it's just so bad rn idk why

Thanks for being open and honest. It is true that it is harder to form honest connections with people from the opposite gender, since there tend to be alterior motives like you say.
I actually am kind of in a similar situation to you. I had a job that I looked forward to a lot, but the reality of it was basically unbearable so i quit.
Personally, I am not feeling very depressed or negative, rather that there is an absense of positive feelings. But if you never feel positive, that's obv negative too yeah.
It's good that you're at least trying to be active and leaving the house, etc. I for one am trying out new hobbies: I tried MMA (which I didn't like that much) and Salsa dancing, which i am now doing regularly. It's not like it'll suddenly lighten up my life, but any small building block can be a starting point towards positive progression.
If I may ask, what did you relapse in? Drug use or something like that?

 

[window]

Thanks for being open and honest. It is true that it is harder to form honest connections with people from the opposite gender, since there tend to be alterior motives like you say.
I actually am kind of in a similar situation to you. I had a job that I looked forward to a lot, but the reality of it was basically unbearable so i quit.
Personally, I am not feeling very depressed or negative, rather that there is an absense of positive feelings. But if you never feel positive, that's obv negative too yeah.
It's good that you're at least trying to be active and leaving the house, etc. I for one am trying out new hobbies: I tried MMA (which I didn't like that much) and Salsa dancing, which i am now doing regularly. It's not like it'll suddenly lighten up my life, but any small building block can be a starting point towards positive progression.
If I may ask, what did you relapse in? Drug use or something like that?

I'm trying to start some new hobbies such as dancing and I'm trying to pick up guitar again, it's just super difficult cuz of lack of energy and motivation. I'm so tired its hard to get out of bed, and when I'm driving I'm not even fully awake. I relapsed in self harm unfortunately.

 

[Enlighten]

I'm trying to start some new hobbies such as dancing and I'm trying to pick up guitar again, it's just super difficult cuz of lack of energy and motivation. I'm so tired its hard to get out of bed, and when I'm driving I'm not even fully awake. I relapsed in self harm unfortunately.

That's for sure a good thing. Those are both beautiful creative activities.
I emphatize with your lack of energy/motivation a lot. Maybe you still get some fullfillment out of doing those activities, but it's not that you're intrinsically motivated to do them?
You also told me you visited a therapist at some point, have you ever tried medication for depression?
I feel lucky to never have had the desire to harm myself, outside of just suicidal thoughts. For me it would be everything or nothing, not something in between.
Although i have indeed heard that some people get some kind of relief out of it. What are your other ways of coping with feelings of stress, depression,... ? Maybe getting food, or going excercising,...

 

[angel444]

i understand this so much, im wishing u the best.

 

[Blue Elephant]

@window what if you take it slower? Like, you don't really need to pick up hobbies which require full attention. You could read for example: you could do it outside and you could enjoy the nature while walking to and from the reading spot. I'm doing this, and it gives me some small confort. Of course it's just an idea.

Also an idea: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! This changes things a lot for me. Again, just an idea/suggestion/whatever. : )

And btw, I also lose focus when I drive sometimes. It makes me wonder.. how did I not hit hundreds of cars yet!?

 

[window]

That's for sure a good thing. Those are both beautiful creative activities.
I emphatize with your lack of energy/motivation a lot. Maybe you still get some fullfillment out of doing those activities, but it's not that you're intrinsically motivated to do them?
You also told me you visited a therapist at some point, have you ever tried medication for depression?
I feel lucky to never have had the desire to harm myself, outside of just suicidal thoughts. For me it would be everything or nothing, not something in between.
Although i have indeed heard that some people get some kind of relief out of it. What are your other ways of coping with feelings of stress, depression,... ? Maybe getting food, or going excercising,...

I do get fulfillment from them!! you're exactly right, I just have no motivation. I am getting medication for depression, but it hasn't done anything for years honestly. I need to up my dosage but that means i'd have to really be vulnerable, and I'm not sure how to do that. I'd also have to talk to my parents who think my depression is gone, and that's just a whole nother problem.
my other ways are simple things like exercise, taking a nature walk, listening to music, playing video games, reading, or even just sleeping. they help temporarily! it's just hard cuz the bad thoughts are always at the back of my head that makes sense. thank u again sm for listening to me!!! <3333

@window what if you take it slower? Like, you don't really need to pick up hobbies which require full attention. You could read for example: you could do it outside and you could enjoy the nature while walking to and from the reading spot. I'm doing this, and it gives me some small confort. Of course it's just an idea.

Also an idea: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! This changes things a lot for me. Again, just an idea/suggestion/whatever. : )

And btw, I also lose focus when I drive sometimes. It makes me wonder.. how did I not hit hundreds of cars yet!?

I have been going to my public library a lot recently, browsing and reading short stories. that does calm me down quite a bit. I suppose it's just the constant feeling of fear and sadness lurking. I have been getting out of the house, I want to more but its so hard for me to stay awake. and YESS I'm pretty lucky that I've not hit so many people. I space out way too much on the road >_<

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

I get what you mean. It's hard to beat monke brain.

 

[silverxzz]

hey thanks so much <3 I guess it's hard to say. I just feel so empty, like there's no use to keep pushing anymore. I wonder if something's wrong with me as a person because of how many people leave me. just recently I thought I was making a close friend just to find out he had a crush on me, and when I tell him I'm not interested he completely cuts contact. everything pisses me off nowadays and I hate it. I have no energy whatsoever and sleep all the time. I don't even have motivation to do things I enjoy. I try and leave the house almost everyday, go out, do something but it's so hard. my relapse felt so good, I feel like I deserve it. it's sad but it's the only thing that brings me joy I guess. maybe joy isn't even the word. it's just nice to feel something. I kinda just went off and ranted but yeah it's just so bad rn idk why

I couldn't relate more to this. Just spent an entire weekend alone in my room, and I feel like no one really cares about me as much as I do about them, not enough to reach out to me, or check up on me, or even spend time with me. I also feel like there is just something wrong with me, watching other people go out together and wondering why they get to experience joy while I don't. How is anyone in our situation supposed to feel motivation, or enjoyment, or any ounce of fighting spirit for life left? It's good to know that at least someone relates to that feeling of being completely trapped. Maybe there really isn't any joy left in this world.

 

[window]

I couldn't relate more to this. Just spent an entire weekend alone in my room, and I feel like no one really cares about me as much as I do about them, not enough to reach out to me, or check up on me, or even spend time with me. I also feel like there is just something wrong with me, watching other people go out together and wondering why they get to experience joy while I don't. How is anyone in our situation supposed to feel motivation, or enjoyment, or any ounce of fighting spirit for life left? It's good to know that at least someone relates to that feeling of being completely trapped. Maybe there really isn't any joy left in this world.

gosh you hit the nail on the head. also, I love ur pfp! i've been listening to my deathconsciousness cd a lot again recently. it's so comforting but also empty. it's cheesy but it's almost like the only thing that brings me a sense of comfort, even if the comfort isn't necessarily positive.

 

[silverxzz]

gosh you hit the nail on the head. also, I love ur pfp! i've been listening to my deathconsciousness cd a lot again recently. it's so comforting but also empty. it's cheesy but it's almost like the only thing that brings me a sense of comfort, even if the comfort isn't necessarily positive.

thank you! comfort is important, like how people have comfort shows or comfort foods. It also helps me keep a level head whenever the pressure piles on after a while. I usually find comfort in people. Just being able to communicate with people in any small way at least once a day gives me enough, even if it's just going through the motions, like having a small conversation with a cashier or a random person on the subway.

 

[Zegers]

I have been going to my public library a lot recently, browsing and reading short stories

Can you focus to read in a library? I feel like "what am i doing here" lol

 

[window]

Can you focus to read in a library? I feel like "what am i doing here" lol

I can actually! it's also helping me romanticize college lol

 

[Zegers]

Maybe there really isn't any joy left in this world.

There is but unfortunately not for us

 

[Oncologynurz123]

hey thanks so much <3 I guess it's hard to say. I just feel so empty, like there's no use to keep pushing anymore. I wonder if something's wrong with me as a person because of how many people leave me. just recently I thought I was making a close friend just to find out he had a crush on me, and when I tell him I'm not interested he completely cuts contact. everything pisses me off nowadays and I hate it. I have no energy whatsoever and sleep all the time. I don't even have motivation to do things I enjoy. I try and leave the house almost everyday, go out, do something but it's so hard. my relapse felt so good, I feel like I deserve it. it's sad but it's the only thing that brings me joy I guess. maybe joy isn't even the word. it's just nice to feel something. I kinda just went off and ranted but yeah it's just so bad rn idk why

I can certainly relate to being irritable, having no energy. I only leave the house if I have to for work now. May I ask what you relapsed with? I'm sorry you feel this way bit glad you are here and have us to talk to. Sending hugs.

 

[Enlighten]

I do get fulfillment from them!! you're exactly right, I just have no motivation. I am getting medication for depression, but it hasn't done anything for years honestly. I need to up my dosage but that means i'd have to really be vulnerable, and I'm not sure how to do that. I'd also have to talk to my parents who think my depression is gone, and that's just a whole nother problem.
my other ways are simple things like exercise, taking a nature walk, listening to music, playing video games, reading, or even just sleeping. they help temporarily! it's just hard cuz the bad thoughts are always at the back of my head that makes sense. thank u again sm for listening to me!!! <3333

I have been going to my public library a lot recently, browsing and reading short stories. that does calm me down quite a bit. I suppose it's just the constant feeling of fear and sadness lurking. I have been getting out of the house, I want to more but its so hard for me to stay awake. and YESS I'm pretty lucky that I've not hit so many people. I space out way too much on the road >_<

Maybe upping the dose might be the way to go after all? You're still doing so many productive things, so you're far from being a lost cause. If you could just silence the voices (which obv isn't easy) that are making you feel shit, i think you could function perfectly and even life a fairly happy life.
I don't think you have to talk with your parents about that at all if that makes you uncomfortable. Since you say you drive a car, i'm assuming you're 18+, so you can talk to your doctor and get medication on your own accord. Just make up a little lie for leaving the house and you can easily do it.
I have taken anti-depressants aswell in the past and my parents never knew a thing about it. Of course it's best if you could openly talk about it with them, but sometimes that's just not the case.
Do you think that would be a viable plan?

 

[Blue Elephant]

I suppose it's just the constant feeling of fear and sadness lurking.

I get that too and as I see it, it will not go away, so we either get brave and move forward one step at a time or we CTB. At the moment I'm doing the first and when I won't be able to anymore then I'll the second. But for now I'll keep going.

I have been getting out of the house, I want to more but its so hard for me to stay awake.

I'm getting this too, although it's probably not as strong as you get it. It helps a bit if I do sports and when it gets colder outside. Cold keeps me up. Is it warm where you are? Do you live in a city or in the country side?

 

[window]

I can certainly relate to being irritable, having no energy. I only leave the house if I have to for work now. May I ask what you relapsed with? I'm sorry you feel this way bit glad you are here and have us to talk to. Sending hugs.

sending hugs back <3 it was self harm unfortunately.

Maybe upping the dose might be the way to go after all? You're still doing so many productive things, so you're far from being a lost cause. If you could just silence the voices (which obv isn't easy) that are making you feel shit, i think you could function perfectly and even life a fairly happy life.
I don't think you have to talk with your parents about that at all if that makes you uncomfortable. Since you say you drive a car, i'm assuming you're 18+, so you can talk to your doctor and get medication on your own accord. Just make up a little lie for leaving the house and you can easily do it.
I have taken anti-depressants aswell in the past and my parents never knew a thing about it. Of course it's best if you could openly talk about it with them, but sometimes that's just not the case.
Do you think that would be a viable plan?

unfortunately I'm not 18+ just yet. I'm not yet allowed to pick up my own antidepressants due to me being >18. also, my parents keep them in a safe due to past issues, so they're the ones that get them for me each day. its quite the tricky situation.

I get that too and as I see it, it will not go away, so we either get brave and move forward one step at a time or we CTB. At the moment I'm doing the first and when I won't be able to anymore then I'll the second. But for now I'll keep going.


I'm getting this too, although it's probably not as strong as you get it. It helps a bit if I do sports and when it gets colder outside. Cold keeps me up. Is it warm where you are? Do you live in a city or in the country side?

it's quite the difference for me honestly. the cold pursuades me to stay inside and cozy up in my bed and never leave. I unfortunately live in a country side and I hate it. I mean the closest McDonald's is 20 minutes away (which isn't a whole lot, but its still a bit of a stretch). and the coolest place in town is Walmart. I have been really wanting to do dance lessons and I have a huge passion for dancing, but my parents won't let me. I'm not sure why, and whenever I ask why I'm not allowed to do lessons they just say "cuz I said so". so annoying!!! but i'm trying to do more dancing on my own at home when nobody else is awake. I'm trying to get over the second hand embarassment of possibly being watched, but I really do have so much fun doing so. i'm usually very tired by the time everyone else is asleep tho, which makes things tricky. sorry for rambling!!

 

[Blue Elephant]

the cold pursuades me to stay inside and cozy up in my bed and never leave.

That's alright. Winter is a time when I spend more time inside (as well) reading and playing video games. It's nice. : )

I unfortunately live in a country side and I hate it. I mean the closest McDonald's is 20 minutes away (which isn't a whole lot, but its still a bit of a stretch). and the coolest place in town is Walmart.

So what you're saying is that you live in a place that's quiet and where there's fresh air (and where you could proably grown your own fruits and vegetables) and the nearest junk food store is 20 minutes away. Uuum.. : )

I live in a city which is dirty, noisy, polluted and where there is junk food everywhere. The only good thing is that during some months of the year I live at the edge of it, near the sea. Actually this is the main reason for which I don't move to the country side, because I'm so in love with water.

I have been really wanting to do dance lessons and I have a huge passion for dancing, but my parents won't let me. I'm not sure why, and whenever I ask why I'm not allowed to do lessons they just say "cuz I said so".

I'm not sure either. But this is a nice hobby so do they need to know? Are dacing lessons expensive?

 

[tired0zymandias]

its been a while since ive been on this site. i try to get better and nothing works. im losing friends who i would give my life for in a heartbeat. i care too much. ive felt like a horrible person too recently. i feel like im screaming for attention. im starting to do dumb shit for even the slightest bit of attention, shit i dont even wanna do for attention that i dont even want. but it's validation and my brain loves it. im always irritable. its weird. i have friends but i feel so goddamn empty. i thought things would get better in college, id meet new people, finally start doing things on my own track. it's just so hard. i relapsed after 4.5 months. i wanna say i was doing good but i wasnt. it felt so good to relapse. i hate venting. i feel fucking sick. i dont have anyone left so im relying on strangers who know what it's like. i have so much on my mind that i dont even know where to start. i cant talk to my therapist. i wish everyone would forget me so i could ctb without shame. i hate this i hate this i just want to tear my skin off. i cant keep living like this. i love you all so so much. i can't put it in words. thank you to those who listen.

Currently at same situation with you. Like I'm trying so hard not to do, think, or plan ctb. But I cant.

The most interesting things is all you said is what I did too. You know I can't keep my cool and keep venting in my insta, well tbh I love all the attention. I am very extrovert so I have many friends. But the thing is I dont need or want their attention and worried. Idk what I'm doing lol. And now I have to deal with all pressure they put on me. Like they spamming me calls and messages. I know they are worried. I'm not aiming for that. But can't lie that I love knowing that I'm loved by so many people.

I think I'm insane rn. Am I insane?

 

[window]

That's alright. Winter is a time when I spend more time inside (as well) reading and playing video games. It's nice. : )



So what you're saying is that you live in a place that's quiet and where there's fresh air (and where you could proably grown your own fruits and vegetables) and the nearest junk food store is 20 minutes away. Uuum.. : )

I live in a city which is dirty, noisy, polluted and where there is junk food everywhere. The only good thing is that during some months of the year I live at the edge of it, near the sea. Actually this is the main reason for which I don't move to the country side, because I'm so in love with water.



I'm not sure either. But this is a nice hobby so do they need to know? Are dacing lessons expensive?

I suppose it's about perspective, as I'd much rather live in a city than here. The people here are gross, the town isn't accepting of those who aren't like them, and there's nothing to do. It would be hard to grow vegetables due to our climate here, but I do have some small plants outside and a bunch of indoor plants.

Dance lessons aren't expensive, but they would rather me doing something with the school like cheer. While I love cheer, I would rather do something where I can rely on myself only, something that isn't a team sport. It's pretty confusing.

Currently at same situation with you. Like I'm trying so hard not to do, think, or plan ctb. But I cant.

The most interesting things is all you said is what I did too. You know I can't keep my cool and keep venting in my insta, well tbh I love all the attention. I am very extrovert so I have many friends. But the thing is I dont need or want their attention and worried. Idk what I'm doing lol. And now I have to deal with all pressure they put on me. Like they spamming me calls and messages. I know they are worried. I'm not aiming for that. But can't lie that I love knowing that I'm loved by so many people.

I think I'm insane rn. Am I insane?

gosh I get this. only difference is that I don't really vent to anyone at all, but I feel like there's like signs people should notice about me but they don't. obviously it's stupid expecting people to see that something's wrong with me without giving any clues that there's anything wrong with me, but still, I guess I just want to be understood or perceived. it would be sm easier just to not be here rn

 

[Blue Elephant]

I suppose it's about perspective, as I'd much rather live in a city than here. The people here are gross, the town isn't accepting of those who aren't like them

The people are gross and unaccepting everywhere, but sure, you might be right, there could be other options in a town.

and there's nothing to do

This I get.

but I do have some small plants outside and a bunch of indoor plants

<3

Dance lessons aren't expensive, but they would rather me doing something with the school like cheer.

I think they want you to be just like everyone else. I wonder if they realize that individuals are different. Meh. : (
On a side note: I always found cheer a bit silly. Dance though.. there is more diversity, you need to think, to coordinate, to move, it engages your brain, and most important you like it! : )

I would rather do something where I can rely on myself only, something that isn't a team sport.

This I also get. I used to do competitive gaming (partially to prove to myself that I can be the absolute best at something if I want to) and we had some incredibly beautiful experiences, me and my teams but now.. meh, now I just want to enjoy stories (because reality is a nightmare) and so I read quite a bit and play single player story oriented games when I have time.

 

[window]

Dance though.. there is more diversity, you need to think, to coordinate, to move, it engages your brain, and most important you like it! : )

yesss this exactly!!! I like the idea of cheer (and I love cheer movies lol) but it's not for me.

and so I read quite a bit and play single player story oriented games when I have time.

I love dark books, I feel like many of us more lonely people do. they really help me process my thoughts, and I love a creative outlet that doubles as a venting area. my mother however is not a fan of me reading dark books and stuff, she says shes scared I'm gonna do something weird or something (which is so. so so stupid I swear). it's really REALLY annoying, and at one point she would force me to show her all the books I bought and make sure they weren't dark, but wtf am I gonna read then like I just act like I don't read anymore to her cuz why does she have to know if it works for me

 

[Blue Elephant]

I love dark books, I feel like many of us more lonely people do.

If you're talking about horror and thrillers then I think it's more of a women thing. : )

But maybe you're talking about grimdark?

she says shes scared I'm gonna do something weird or something

Ha ha! That's like assuming that everyone who practices martial arts will go on the street and beat and cut people up. : )

 

[window]

But maybe you're talking about grimdark?

im actually not much of a fantasy person! maybe it is a more feminine thing lol; i love disturbing books, stuff that makes you wonder what the hell the human mind can do. i love philosophy books too, i just find the brain so interesting. some of my favorite writers are kafka, dostoevsky, dazai, and camus, if that gives a general idea of the stuff i like :3

Ha ha! That's like assuming that everyone who practices martial arts will go on the street and beat and cut people up. : )

ive used this metaphor for her exactly too!! idk what her deal is lol. love her though

 

[Blue Elephant]

if that gives a general idea of the stuff i like

It does. Actually I'm not into fantasy that much, that's my second favorite, or third favorite. Hmm.. I also like magical realism a lot: The House in the Cerulean Sea for example. But anyway, my favorite genre is science fiction because it deals with pretty much everything, wether it's war, religion, sex or whatever. It can also be highly philosophical: Dune for example. Unlike fantasy where variation is somewhat limited, science fiction can be really diverse and I like the fact that the authors are pushing themselves to come up with so many ideas. So when I read I can learn, I can study but I can also enjoy. : )

idk what her deal is lol

Some people are simple, my grandma is like that. I wouldn't trade minds though, I rather see all I see and suffer than not see much and be happy. To each it's own I guess. : )