I just don’t know how to live.

[strawberrypug]

I'm laying in my bed, listening to all the people in my house talk and laugh with eachother before the Super Bowl game comes on. I've sat with them and tried to pretend I could do the same. I have to keep fighting back tears. It hurt when a relative would me ask how I am and all I could really say was, "Good!

I'm not good. But I feel like I can't complain because it has entirely been my own decisions that got me in this dark place. I'm a horrible person and it's not the kind of thing I can just live with. All I've ever wanted is to be good. A good friend, a good girlfriend, a good sibling. And I've failed at all of them.

It really sucks that I have already ruined my life and I only just legally became an adult last year. I am an impulsive person who doesn't realize the negative consequences of their actions until after. My brain is destroyed by self-induced trauma. While I have done this to myself, knowing that doesn't make this feel any better. I almost wish I had someone to blame, but it's always been me.

My aunt just killed herself a few weeks ago. I feel disgusting thinking about the impact my suicide would have on my mom, especially now. I'm not saying this to sound vain, and of course I'm eternally grateful, but I know that people love me. I know they care about me. I know they would want to help. It's just that I'm past that point.

The game is about to start now. I've heard some company already say their goodbyes to the people outside my room, and I can't bring myself to come out and say goodbye as well. Our team isn't playing so not many people will end up sticking around much longer. I want them to leave but at the same time, I don't. I want someone to come in my room, close the door behind them, and ask if I am okay. I want to cry to them and not have them implore as to what could be so wrong. I want them to just hold me and say it will be okay, just so I can hear something that contradicts all the bad thoughts racing through my head. I genuinely want to believe it will be okay.

I wish my brain had a switch I could flip to just... turn it off forever.

 

[EmptyArms]

Oh love. You really are in a horrible dark place right now. I think you really do have to reach out to someone and say those words. Choose the kindest person you know. Say come into my room for a minute, I really need someone to talk to who will listen to me. Tell them you need to hear it will be ok. Sometimes people cant guess what you need, they just cant. Ask for what you need. You can PM me if you need someone to talk to right now.

 

[strawberrypug]

Oh love. You really are in a horrible dark place right now. I think you really do have to reach out to someone and say those words. Choose the kindest person you know. Say come into my room for a minute, I really need someone to talk to who will listen to me. Tell them you need to hear it will be ok. Sometimes people cant guess what you need, they just cant. Ask for what you need. You can PM me if you need someone to talk to right now.

Hi there! I really appreciate your reply, thank you. I would PM you but I think my account is too new to do so!

It's weird. It feels like I am so willing to just spill out everything to someone, but at the same time, there's internal resistance. I don't want to burden anyone, or make them worry about me. That's so true about how people can't just guess what to do for me; it's wrong for me to assume they can. I guess it's like I want them to know but I'm also not bitter they don't. It's just wishful thinking, you know?

I've tried reaching out to people and even told my father, my closest friend, and a coworker part of the biggest regret that's been haunting me. Their words definitely are reassuring but then my mind sinks back into a dark place, and I know it's not sustainable to rely on them for constant assurance. It must be a very tiring thing for them to do.

 

[EmptyArms]

Sorry for the delay in responding to you. I think I am in a different time zone from you, the sandman came for me . You have to have 5 posts before you can PM. If you cant think what to say just post anything in one of the game threads.
It's good that you have already reached out to your closest people to tell them what's going on, so well done for that, and really good that they have been reassuring. Perhaps they hadnt really understood how persistent your thoughts are, or how serious. And why would they? I do understand about feeling bitter that people dont understand. After all you feel so terrible, why isnt it completely obvious to everyone? Somehow it just isnt. I have a close relative who recently disclosed their very strong suicidal feelings to me, I hadnt realised that was going on right under my nose. You can tell them how you feel again. Maybe tell them a bit more about how badly you are affected. Of course you can ask for more reassurance and support, that doesnt make you a burden. After all if the tables were turned and they asked you for support would you feel burdened? Or honoured that they had trusted you and relieved to be able to help? These persistent feelings that you have are overwhelming you, you really need help in dealing with them.

 

[strawberrypug]

Sorry for the delay in responding to you. I think I am in a different time zone from you, the sandman came for me . You have to have 5 posts before you can PM. If you cant think what to say just post anything in one of the game threads.
It's good that you have already reached out to your closest people to tell them what's going on, so well done for that, and really good that they have been reassuring. Perhaps they hadnt really understood how persistent your thoughts are, or how serious. And why would they? I do understand about feeling bitter that people dont understand. After all you feel so terrible, why isnt it completely obvious to everyone? Somehow it just isnt. I have a close relative who recently disclosed their very strong suicidal feelings to me, I hadnt realised that was going on right under my nose. You can tell them how you feel again. Maybe tell them a bit more about how badly you are affected. Of course you can ask for more reassurance and support, that doesnt make you a burden. After all if the tables were turned and they asked you for support would you feel burdened? Or honoured that they had trusted you and relieved to be able to help? These persistent feelings that you have are overwhelming you, you really need help in dealing with them.

Sorry for the delay in responding to you. I think I am in a different time zone from you, the sandman came for me . You have to have 5 posts before you can PM. If you cant think what to say just post anything in one of the game threads.
It's good that you have already reached out to your closest people to tell them what's going on, so well done for that, and really good that they have been reassuring. Perhaps they hadnt really understood how persistent your thoughts are, or how serious. And why would they? I do understand about feeling bitter that people dont understand. After all you feel so terrible, why isnt it completely obvious to everyone? Somehow it just isnt. I have a close relative who recently disclosed their very strong suicidal feelings to me, I hadnt realised that was going on right under my nose. You can tell them how you feel again. Maybe tell them a bit more about how badly you are affected. Of course you can ask for more reassurance and support, that doesnt make you a burden. After all if the tables were turned and they asked you for support would you feel burdened? Or honoured that they had trusted you and relieved to be able to help? These persistent feelings that you have are overwhelming you, you really need help in dealing with them.

Don't apologize! Sorry mine is late as well.
I ended up having a talk with my mom that night. After everyone left, I just felt so horrible I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I sat with her for a couple hours and cried and talked. I don't think we have ever really had a conversation like that before; it felt nice because I knew she would want to know how I have been feeling. I did, however, feel pretty guilty for unloading my thoughts of self-harm due to her recent loss. She was understanding and even though I didn't plan on necessarily disclosing the cause of the guilt on my mind, she coaxed it out of me because I think that's just what moms do. She didn't judge me for it, which was definitely my biggest fear.

It's scary, though. I don't really trust myself being alone because the thoughts just don't stop. I feel really trapped between forgiving myself and beating myself up. Often, I don't think I'm deserving of the self-forgiveness. It's much easier to just keep on the path of darkness. I'll compare myself to other people and wonder how I was capable of something so bad when anyone else most likely would never think of doing it. I'm trying to forget what I did, but I feel guilty for that too.

Have you ever struggled with something like this? Doing something that would hurt someone if they found out? I can't stop thinking about how I am such a putrid person. I want to believe there is redemption, but the majority of the time I think I've corrupted myself. I just can't see how I will ever be good again. Every time I see a picture of my younger self, I miss being so pure, even though I know there is no way to go back; there's only forward.

I'm so sorry to hear about your close relative feeling that way, but it's really nice that they trusted you with those feelings. You seem like such a kind, welcoming person just from these couple replies.

Thank you for letting me senselessly rant. I feel like there's so much in my head I need to get it down, even though writing it out makes it even more real for me.

 

[EmptyArms]

If you just reply to this then you can PM me. You need 5 posts and you're almost there.
Then if you want to discuss any of that in private you are free to do so. I dont think you are ranting or senseless at all.
I'm so glad you talked to your mum. As a mum myself I know for certain that whatever else was worrying her, bothering her, saddening her - the second she knew you were suffering and endangered all of those things melted away and only you mattered . You did a brave thing there, its never easy to share your darkest feelings. Your mum sounds lovely.

 

[strawberrypug]

If you just reply to this then you can PM me. You need 5 posts and you're almost there.
Then if you want to discuss any of that in private you are free to do so. I dont think you are ranting or senseless at all.
I'm so glad you talked to your mum. As a mum myself I know for certain that whatever else was worrying her, bothering her, saddening her - the second she knew you were suffering and endangered all of those things melted away and only you mattered . You did a brave thing there, its never easy to share your darkest feelings. Your mum sounds lovely.

Wooo! Almost there.

Thank you. I hope that's how she felt.
And she is very lovely. I think I've taken her for granted for a long time.