Venting I just can't take it anymore. I've spent 18 years being alive, that's more than enough!

[100102]

I don't want to be alive anymore, what is it about it that's so hard to be understood? Throughout my teenage years, I have always remembered realising how I was a sentient being going to die one day and waking up teary eyed in the middle of the night. I would always think about it during the day, it was such an important thought to me that I would end up waking up at night with the realisation that me, and every human, everybody that FEELS ends up dying. Life is cruel, it's cruel through its indifference. I realised how fast life goes by when I was 14, I had thought about it before but I really learned how old I actually was when I was 14. I always thought of people a few years older than me (in their late teens, 20s, and even early 30s) as the same age group as me. So what if someone's five years older than me? I remember 2015 like it's happening right now, I'm ever close to that version of me, I, in my heart and soul am the same person as then! People a few years older than me were just the same age as me, they are still the same person. It's just the illusion of time and societal standards that group people into different categories, otherwise we're all the same. That's how I feel, at least. I've spent so much time trying to fix stuff, being empathetic, caring for people. I care about every single being who feels, nobody deserves to feel pain. Nobody, not once. Not even the slightest of discomfort. I'm 18 now, I still do feel the same as my 14 year old version, but I just can't take it anymore. I was super depressed back then and I don't really understand what has become of me now. I worked on my mindset and thought everything would be fine eventually, I thought I'll be nice and the world would be nice to me in return. I would dismiss sad thoughts and replace them with hopeful ones, but what I thought never came true. It became harder to survive when I turned 15, I experienced so much pain that I would ironically and seriously ask God to put me in more pain because apparently, that was what he liked doing. I still made it to 16, that was when I started contemplating suicide. I would get the thought once every few months. I tried every year to make things work for me but every year ended up being painful; earlier last year, 2019, I pushed my recurring suicidal thoughts aside and decided to start anew. That too, didn't work for me. I ended up in the worst possible situation, a situation I never thought would happen to me. That was the last straw for me, this year and the latter half of the previous one has been nothing but utter pain for me, I use my suicidal thoughts as a pain-relief. Thinking about suicide calms me down now. I think about it multiple times every day, I have been doing this for over a year. 18 years are just too much for me. I should've been dead long ago. I thought maybe I'm depressed because I don't do what every other female I know my age does, I tried shopping thinking materialistic stuff could help me feel better, I tried going out and talking to my friends, but none of those helped me. Nothing can help me feel better, nothing. I've learned how my happiness isn't dependent on anything anymore, so I can't be helped unless there's something that can help me feel better, but there really is nothing. I've explored everything I could, but honestly, I don't even want to be happy anymore. I don't want anything from life anymore. I'm sick and I'm tired of life. If I were to choose between being happy forever and never having to exist, I'll choose not to exist ever over happiness. I feel anxious all the time, even when I'm in bed and don't have a single thing on my schedule. It feels like my mind is cluttered and I can't think or feel at all, but at the same time I feel terrible. I can't end my life because the few ways I have available are too painful, and pain is exactly what I've been trying to avoid. If I had a painless way to go, I wouldn't have thought twice. I still fear dying but that's the only way left to relieve my pain. I really hope it is, and I really hope I don't make it to my twenties. I've lived long enough, I don't need or want to live anymore.

 

[death137]

I can relate to some of the things you said. Life is cruel, sad and empty for the most part.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

@100102 This is so sad. You are so young in years, yet you sound so old. It's not fair, it's just not right!

I am old, almost 70. I never see or have contact with my irl grandchildren. I could be your virtual grandma, if you'd like.

We could go for walks in the woods, talk about how awful that bf is, and those mean gossipy girls, and I would tell you how beautiful and smart you are and how much I love you and send you hokie cards and the wishbone from a chicken and peeps at Easter and you can tell me what all this newfangled stuff is like skype and what you have learned in school and what your dreams are and how, reeeeally grannie, those shoes are awful and how I need to get with the 70's, and that old hippie tiedyed shirt is so not in anymore and roll your eyes at me. And I could tell you stories, like the time I climbed up a tree and got stuck and how my kittie, Buffy, got lost and how my brothers put a snake in my bed one time.

You could call me Grannie Annie.

Hugs to you.

 

[100102]

@100102 This is so sad. You are so young in years, yet you sound so old. It's not fair, it's just not right!

I am old, almost 70. I never see or have contact with my irl grandchildren. I could be your virtual grandma, if you'd like.

We could go for walks in the woods, talk about how awful that bf is, and those mean gossipy girls, and I would tell you how beautiful and smart you are and how much I love you and send you hokie cards and the wishbone from a chicken and peeps at Easter and you can tell me what all this newfangled stuff is like skype and what you have learned in school and what your dreams are and how, reeeeally grannie, those shoes are awful and how I need to get with the 70's, and that old hippie tiedyed shirt is so not in anymore and roll your eyes at me. And I could tell you stories, like the time I climbed up a tree and got stuck and how my kittie, Buffy, got lost and how my brothers put a snake in my bed one time.

You could call me Grannie Annie.

Hugs to you.

I would love to talk to you!

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Put an amoji of your choice here because I can't see how to do that. Something all happy with confetti and stuff.

We could PM. I have never done that here so it may be a little slow? Go ahead and laugh, I laugh at myself all the time. I still write letters now and then, mostly to my Mom who is 96 and remembers what a letter even is. Anyway, I don't know of another way besides PMing. Or just posting here?

Warning, my stories can be pretty hokie. But then, that can be funny in itself.