Venting i just can't stand existing anymore

[idciwtkms]

I have attempted multiple before but stopped for after 2023 for a while i thought if i did everything right, studied hard got into a got college got good grades it would stop but it didn't last year i tried to do it again but because i live with my parents now i couldn't bring myself to do it.

It's been years but it just doesn't go away i have friends, i have people to talk but i just can't bring myself to tell anyone and now it's been a month I've been planning to do it for a while but all my past attempts were fails i can't bear to fail anymore it's tiring and it's not getting better, it's the only option for me now , i want method which will work i don't care if it hurts or anything but I can't hang or drown don't have to means for it. please help me find my method and thank you

 

[An Empty Soul]

I have attempted multiple before but stopped for after 2023 for a while i thought if i did everything right, studied hard got into a got college got good grades it would stop but it didn't last year i tried to do it again but because i live with my parents now i couldn't bring myself to do it.

It's been years but it just doesn't go away i have friends, i have people to talk but i just can't bring myself to tell anyone and now it's been a month I've been planning to do it for a while but all my past attempts were fails i can't bear to fail anymore it's tiring and it's not getting better, it's the only option for me now , i want method which will work i don't care if it hurts or anything but I can't hang or drown don't have to means for it. please help me find my method and thank you

I see how hard you're trying to get into university, to improve your grades, to do everything 'right'. Seeing that all that effort and that the darkness inside you doesn't go away is truly disheartening. You say, 'Years have passed, but it doesn't go away,' and that weariness is preventing you from thinking clearly right now.

You're asking me for a solution, but the only thing I can give you is the fact that there are other ways to alleviate this pain. What you want isn't actually death, but an end to this unbearable weariness and disappointment. I understand that your failed attempts have worn you down even more. But this isn't a matter of 'success or failure'; this is your soul's struggle with a very serious illness.

I can't help you find a solution because more than anything, I want you to stay in this world, to see yourself healed and at peace. Living with your family can actually be a safety net for you. Please, just for tonight, put those plans aside. Can't you find one last bit of strength to say to the people in the next room or to a friend, 'I'm not okay, I need help'?

Come, let's put this 'last resort' idea aside together. Let's talk to a professional, a doctor, and explore ways to medically alleviate this pain. You've fought hard; you don't have to fight alone anymore. Please allow yourself to receive help.

 

[Bikishii]

I really want to applaud you for all your accomplishments, even though your feelings have still persisted, you've clearly worked hard to make things better in some way, some shape, some form. It's hard doing that anyways, for a given neurotypical person, but it's even harder for us since we've got this omnipresent monkey on our back, to put it lightly.

I know that feeling. Sometimes it comes from "well I ever be good enough?" Other times, it's a sense of apathy and anhedonia and, kinda like you're saying, a feeling of "it's still here. No matter what I've done, it's still here. Fuck, man and I've done so much." I don't have an answer for why we stay feeling this way after doing "everything we're supposed to" whatever that even means. Maybe some of us are just hardwired to be like this forever. Some of us can experience some sort of change and this is just a temporary blip. Maybe there's no reason at all, it just is. I can't tell you how long you'll feel this way, and I wish so badly that I could. For you, for me, for others. But we just can't know until and unless it happens.

I'm not coming here out the gates to encourage you to ctb, not at all, but I believe in complete and total bodily autonomy. One of your rights as a person, as someone who can do with their body whatever they please, you have the option to keep living or stop living whenever you choose. All that said, I'm going to echo what An Empty Soul above me said, there are still more things to try out. More ways you can try to alleviate these feelings. It's worth giving those a shot before committing to one's final "last resort."

I think I speak for at least the majority of us on here that we want people to feel better and get better, however that may look for them. I can't speak for anyone else, but I just hope that you take any of these responses to heart and sit on them, think about them, really think about them, give these things a try, and just see how things might change.

Sending you a hug from across the World Wide Web

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Look, dude. I don't know what pushed you to want to do this. Who abused you, what crushed all of your hopes, etc. but dying is losing to everyone who has failed you and everything that you've tried so hard to achieve like your college degree.

And I cannot stress this enough, when you die, you're transferring all of your pain to others. I've been on the opposite end. You can go through my account and see the story of my ex. This shit will not go down even after decades.

What I'm noticing so far is that even with people who are willing to support, she considered them a burden and I'm wondering if you are also struggling with depression and do hold the same perception as her.

Don't let go. So many people here and out there want you and need you around as a son, a brother, a friend, and a colleague.

You just gotta take their hand, drag yourself off the quicksand and be on your feet again. It's not going to be easy and it's a slow painful process with minimal progress. And I'm saying this because I did take care of her before shit the fan.

Many people eventually came out of it. She was one of those that gave up. But you know what? Even she tried.

Just remember, it takes many people to support you and so you are not truly a burden. It is distributed among us. Do not feel discouraged, do not feel unchangeable just because one or two persons refused or have decided to leave you because of your current state.

You'll grow as you go. But only as long as you go. If you stop going, nothing changes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand finding it torturous to exist, I hope you find freedom from suffering.