Venting I just bought SN and I'm contemplating death

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

Hello, guys. Today, after going 24 hours without eating and sleeping 16 hours, I decided to buy my SN. I'm from Brazil, so it was relatively easy.
But I can say that I'm still afraid of getting an unwanted visit for this purchase. The real thing is that it is also becoming increasingly difficult to obtain the SN, including in Brazil. it will arrive on the 28th, I don't have access to any first-line anti-emetic. I have an antipsychotic and dramin. Oh, lots of weed too. In the next few days, maybe I'll make a goodbye thread too. I think we all need to buy this if we want an easy way to go away for years to come. I'm also trying to make a backup of things that I think are important in this forum, I believe that the siege is closing and with the increase in cases of suicide related to the forum, I think it won't take long for it to return to the deep web.

I noticed that many forum members are getting sad with the increase in the number of goodbye threads, but I think it's because the world is getting more and more chaotic. The war in the Russian East is getting worse. World tension is rising. Today in the city where I live, it was 35 degrees in the middle of winter, a thermal sensation of 38. I can't imagine myself living in a world like that. Today I felt sick from the heat, in the summer maybe I'll really die.

My only real sadness is leaving my daughter. But she doesn't deserve a father like me, even more so in a world as decadent as this one. It's best that I leave as soon as possible. I wrote a book saying goodbye and trying to explain my reasons for leaving. I hope that one day my daughter will understand, I don't wish the same path for her, but I hope that she doesn't hate her father. Maybe my existence would hurt her even more. So, as I wrote her, don't be saddened by the rise in suicide. This is reason for popular revolt, not sadness. People are dying for capitalism and what we've made of the world. Or rather, people are escaping from this true black iron prison that is life because of that.

It's sad, but at the same time so good to know that I can finally be free. Even if the darkness lasts a few seconds, in those few seconds I will have been free. Something I've never been in my life.

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

I totally agree things feel like theyre getting real bad on a global scale and are rising to a boiling point. i understand not wanting to be around when it boils over. I hope you find the freedom you seek friend. My messages are open

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Unless you are a neglectful or abusive POS I think we can all safely say your kid would much rather you stuck around. I think you owe it to her to not cause unnecessary trauma and I'm not sure why you are moaning about the state of the world when you brought a kid here-it's parents who created and perpetuate this world. I mean how old is your kid that the world has suddenly got worse since you brought her here?!

 

[Anon7b8]

I don't know what your real situation is, but, your daughter probably still needs you. Anyway, good luck on whatever you decide, as i can't even get my thoughts sorted out these days, just stuck in a daze....

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

Unless you are a neglectful or abusive POS I think we can all safely say your kid would much rather you stuck around. I think you owe it to her to not cause unnecessary trauma and I'm not sure why you are moaning about the state of the world when you brought a kid here-it's parents who created and perpetuate this world. I mean how old is your kid that the world has suddenly got worse since you brought her here?!

Here in Brazil we don't have easy access to abortion. Even with the pills. Besides, I believe she will go with her mother to England. In the end I will stay here in Brazil alone. But I agree with absolutely everything you said. I just don't believe my daughter deserves a bipolar-psychotic father.

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

I don't know what your real situation is, but, your daughter probably still needs you. Anyway, good luck on whatever you decide, as i can't even get my thoughts sorted out these days, just stuck in a daze....

I agree, I would like to leave everything settled so that she doesn't lack anything. But I'm unemployed, I don't have any money anymore and it's impossible to find a job, in a few days I think I might starve. Also, I'm starting to feel like my mood is going to turn, go manic. Its very sad

 

[Anon7b8]

I agree, I would like to leave everything settled so that she doesn't lack anything. But I'm unemployed, I don't have any money anymore and it's impossible to find a job, in a few days I think I might starve. Also, I'm starting to feel like my mood is going to turn, go manic. Its very sad

The world really isn't a kind place. And it's getting harder and more tiring to put up a front that you're okay.

 

[undynee]

Hello, guys. Today, after going 24 hours without eating and sleeping 16 hours, I decided to buy my SN. I'm from Brazil, so it was relatively easy.
But I can say that I'm still afraid of getting an unwanted visit for this purchase. The real thing is that it is also becoming increasingly difficult to obtain the SN, including in Brazil. it will arrive on the 28th, I don't have access to any first-line anti-emetic. I have an antipsychotic and dramin. Oh, lots of weed too. In the next few days, maybe I'll make a goodbye thread too. I think we all need to buy this if we want an easy way to go away for years to come. I'm also trying to make a backup of things that I think are important in this forum, I believe that the siege is closing and with the increase in cases of suicide related to the forum, I think it won't take long for it to return to the deep web.

I noticed that many forum members are getting sad with the increase in the number of goodbye threads, but I think it's because the world is getting more and more chaotic. The war in the Russian East is getting worse. World tension is rising. Today in the city where I live, it was 35 degrees in the middle of winter, a thermal sensation of 38. I can't imagine myself living in a world like that. Today I felt sick from the heat, in the summer maybe I'll really die.

My only real sadness is leaving my daughter. But she doesn't deserve a father like me, even more so in a world as decadent as this one. It's best that I leave as soon as possible. I wrote a book saying goodbye and trying to explain my reasons for leaving. I hope that one day my daughter will understand, I don't wish the same path for her, but I hope that she doesn't hate her father. Maybe my existence would hurt her even more. So, as I wrote her, don't be saddened by the rise in suicide. This is reason for popular revolt, not sadness. People are dying for capitalism and what we've made of the world. Or rather, people are escaping from this true black iron prison that is life because of that.

It's sad, but at the same time so good to know that I can finally be free. Even if the darkness lasts a few seconds, in those few seconds I will have been free. Something I've never been in my life.

where did you get that from?

 

[dialogos]

Love isn't about deserving it or not. It's a Gift, freely given, without condition, without expectations of return.
This is why true love is hard and can be painful at times
I think your daughter gets that love from you and loves you all the same whether you deserve it or not, and that's how much you love her also, without conditions.

 

[FuneralCry]

This world truly is such a dreadful and horrible place, I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

where did you get that from?

The SN? Cant tell here, but pm me. Its a brazilian seller. Dont know if they import some stuff.

Love isn't about deserving it or not. It's a Gift, freely given, without condition, without expectations of return.
This is why true love is hard and can be painful at times
I think your daughter gets that love from you and loves you all the same whether you deserve it or not, and that's how much you love her also, without conditions.

Thanks for your kind words. I love her so much indeed, i dont really want to leave her. But with my crisis coming i fear bring pain to her.

 

[conarc]

Be careful, it's a risky method indeed, but I wish you all the best.

Well, the Peaceful pill handbook and the fact that authorities would like to stop this method tells us that CW36 is, again and again, not right.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Be careful, it's a risky method indeed, but I wish you all the best.

Yeah...they might die.

Stop scaring people.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Here in Brazil we don't have easy access to abortion. Even with the pills. Besides, I believe she will go with her mother to England. In the end I will stay here in Brazil alone. But I agree with absolutely everything you said. I just don't believe my daughter deserves a bipolar-psychotic father.

I understand, and sorry if I was being harsh. I really hope things improve for you though-are you in treatment? It must be a scary position to be in and I urge you to get help if the reason you are considering CTB is worry about your worsening mental health symptoms. And weed-you use that? Might make you more paranoid given your issues. I have a family member who is psychotic-he's had many many years where he's been "normal" and you wouldn't know he had any mental health problems so whilst it is a lifelong condition, it can be managed for years between relapses. I have no idea about bipolar but I guess that is treatable too? I respect your decision either way, but I hope you can get help first if possible.

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

I understand, and sorry if I was being harsh. I really hope things improve for you though-are you in treatment? It must be a scary position to be in and I urge you to get help if the reason you are considering CTB is worry about your worsening mental health symptoms. And weed-you use that? Might make you more paranoid given your issues. I have a family member who is psychotic-he's had many many years where he's been "normal" and you wouldn't know he had any mental health problems so whilst it is a lifelong condition, it can be managed for years between relapses. I have no idea about bipolar but I guess that is treatable too? I respect your decision either way, but I hope you can get help first if possible.

Yes, they say it can be treatable, but I haven't been able to treat it for years, now it's getting worse. Marijuana has done me a lot of good, but sometimes it makes me very paranoid indeed. Even so, Cannabidiol is great for me and even THC calms me down in crisis. I am not in treatment with any allopathic medicine, I don't have money for that now. The weed can be an antiemetic, but second-line. I will use it for that, but I use it for treatment as well.


You really seem a bit dogmatic and harsh. But I understand your feelings since I'm a father. I'm feeling exactly the same as you are. But my situation is only getting worse, I don't know how I'm going to find a job or even food for the next month. There's nothing I can do. I've tried and had a lot of help, there are people who just don't want to exist anymore and that's okay. If today a fatal accident happened to me it would be sad for my family just the same, well I hope they think of it as a fatal accident. There's nothing else they can do about my suicide.

I talk about the world's problems, because I know that it was my country's inequality that led me to my current state. I'm from a country where, at the height of the pandemic, hunger was so great that part of society had to eat bones to survive another day. As I said, in my city yesterday it hit 36 degrees Celsius. Thermal sensation of 38, but today it hit 20 degrees with a lot of rain and freezing winds. My country is in the tropics, it has a balanced climate and I believe that even in the summer there will be people dying of heat. My daughter was a casualty of one of my most intense manic phases. I love her anyway. I've never loved anyone the way I love her. I just can't stand my existence anymore in this world and i hope that she can forgive me someday.

I appreciate your kind words, I would like to live in another society where being doesn't have to reach the level of suffering of taking your own life.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yes, they say it can be treatable, but I haven't been able to treat it for years, now it's getting worse. Marijuana has done me a lot of good, but sometimes it makes me very paranoid indeed. Even so, Cannabidiol is great for me and even THC calms me down in crisis. I am not in treatment with any allopathic medicine, I don't have money for that now. The weed can be an antiemetic, but second-line. I will use it for that, but I use it for treatment as well.

I guess you have to weigh up the benefit vs harm with Marijuana. I've never touched the stuff due to it being what started my brothers Schizophrenia (we think) but you know what works for you. Just be careful with it is all I'm saying, like don't overdo it cos it could trigger worse psychotic type symptoms.

You really seem a bit dogmatic and harsh. But I understand your feelings since I'm a father. I'm feeling exactly the same as you are. But my situation is only getting worse, I don't know how I'm going to find a job or even food for the next month. There's nothing I can do. I've tried and had a lot of help, there are people who just don't want to exist anymore and that's okay. If today a fatal accident happened to me it would be sad for my family just the same, well I hope they think of it as a fatal accident. There's nothing else they can do about my suicide.

Yeh I'm sorry I can be harsh to parents-now you've explained your situation more I understand, I'm sorry for being harsh. I still think you should try all you can to stay for your kid but I do respect your decision either way-it can't be easy in your situation. I just hope you can get some help to get back on your feet first because you seem like a good dad-some don't even bother about their kids or ever see them and it's clear you care very much about your daughter.