I Joined SS 6.5 years ago. I'm still alive. Discussion/AMA

[Time_To_Die]

Hello friends!

As the title says, I was 25 when I joined SS (when my life basically imploded) and I'm 32 now. The thought of making it to 32 was incomprehensible when I was 25, and yet here I am. I thought I would share some thoughts, which will hopefully prove useful to anyone who thinks they might still be around in a few years.

I'm a bit ambivalent about having survived this long. I'm far from a success story, though I've had ups as well as downs in the past six and and a half years. I got a super high-paying job in a highly competitive field (data science). I stayed in that field for about 4.5 years, had another breakdown and moved back in with my parents (where I still live). That's a story for another time, though I can go through it if anyone's interested.

I gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, learned that I had gained a bunch of muscle when I was fat. So now I look better than I did when I was first skinny. It seems that sometimes failure is a prerequisite for success. Who knew?

Still no relationships outside my family really. Most of my old friends have moved on and don't return my calls anymore. But my relationship with my family has grown much deeper.

Now I'm trying to cobble together some sort of life after two years of unemployment and no real relationships. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Honestly I still sort of wish I had killed myself in my 20s. But I'm going to try to keep moving forward in life. Because I've learned that the worst thing about suicidal ideation is that it stops you from preparing for the future, when you will (statistically) most likely still be alive.

Feel free to ask any questions or post any of your own relevant stories.

 

[Jisatsu]

Do you wish you ctb even with knowing all the struggle from the last few years you've had?

 

[Time_To_Die]

Do you wish you ctb even with knowing all the struggle from the last few years you've had?

If I could go back to being 25 knowing where I'd be at 32, I probably would have ctb. But now at 32 I'm not planning on ctb anytime soon because I don't know what the future could hold. I feel like this sort of paradox - wishing you had died in the past but being unwilling to commit to dying in the present - is a big factor in a lot of our struggles.

One thing I can tell you is that I've learned a lot and grown a lot as a person in the past 6.5 years. I think most people considering suicide should factor in the fact that they will almost certainly improve as a person if they stay alive.

Hope you are doing well and thanks for the question!

 

[Jisatsu]

If I could go back to being 25 knowing where I'd be at 32, I probably would have ctb. But now at 32 I'm not planning on ctb anytime soon because I don't know what the future could hold. I feel like this sort of paradox - wishing you had died in the past but being unwilling to commit to dying in the present - is a big factor in a lot of our struggles.

One thing I can tell you is that I've learned a lot and grown a lot as a person in the past 6.5 years. I think most people considering suicide should factor in the fact that they will almost certainly improve as a person if they stay alive.

Hope you are doing well and thanks for the question!

That gives me confidence in knowing that my life definitely isn't going to get better... thank you.

 

[Time_To_Die]

That gives me confidence in knowing that my life definitely isn't going to get better... thank you.

I hope you're doing okay. Feel free to reach out if you want.

 

[raybd]

Hello friends!

As the title says, I was 25 when I joined SS (when my life basically imploded) and I'm 32 now. The thought of making it to 32 was incomprehensible when I was 25, and yet here I am. I thought I would share some thoughts, which will hopefully prove useful to anyone who thinks they might still be around in a few years.

I'm a bit ambivalent about having survived this long. I'm far from a success story, though I've had ups as well as downs in the past six and and a half years. I got a super high-paying job in a highly competitive field (data science). I stayed in that field for about 4.5 years, had another breakdown and moved back in with my parents (where I still live). That's a story for another time, though I can go through it if anyone's interested.

I gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, learned that I had gained a bunch of muscle when I was fat. So now I look better than I did when I was first skinny. It seems that sometimes failure is a prerequisite for success. Who knew?

Still no relationships outside my family really. Most of my old friends have moved on and don't return my calls anymore. But my relationship with my family has grown much deeper.

Now I'm trying to cobble together some sort of life after two years of unemployment and no real relationships. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Honestly I still sort of wish I had killed myself in my 20s. But I'm going to try to keep moving forward in life. Because I've learned that the worst thing about suicidal ideation is that it stops you from preparing for the future, when you will (statistically) most likely still be alive.

Feel free to ask any questions or post any of your own relevant stories.

Me too - 6 years. In my case, since it's mainly health, just waiting to be pushed past the brink - which is now. Had 2 close calls 3 and 5 years ago when my last forays on this site were. This time is it.
Success - well have had every kind imaginable that way... in the top places of the world... Ivy League, Silicon Valley, lecturing at JPL, medical diagnostics research at Weil... in the end just don't count. Then you recall Steve Jobs and how he went... or Robin Williams getting ahead of it...
So, I don't really carry the frustrations many express on this site. I don't invalidate them... just not happened to me. And so, there's no growing as a person or rethinking and such - for my condition, assisted dying hasn't been made available yet, nor a cure. Making going the only available route.
I'd like to go the Meet Joe Black way - chatting up the Grim Reaper a la the Antony Hopkins character in it.
Moved halfway across the world to an eco-retreat type of place just to have some of that.

 

[Time_To_Die]

Me too - 6 years. In my case, since it's mainly health, just waiting to be pushed past the brink - which is now. Had 2 close calls 3 and 5 years ago. This time is it.
Success - well have had every kind imaginable that way... in the top places of the world... Ivy League, Silicon Valley, lecturing at JPL, medical diagnostics research at Weil... in the end just don't count. Then you recall Steve Jobs and how he went... or Robin Williams getting ahead of it...
So, I don't really carry the frustrations many express on this site. I don't invalidate them... just not happened to me.
I'd like to go the Meet Joe Black way - chatting up the Grim Reaper a la the Antony Hopkins character in it.
Moved halfway across the world to an eco-retreat type of place just to have some of that.

Sounds like we've both been through quite a ride! I actually had a meeting with some guys from JPL a few years ago. Small world.

May I ask what your health condition is?

 

[Zaphkiel]

Damn a veteran of Sasu
Welcome back.
Why'd you come back btw? There must be another reason beside this post.
In any case, i hope you're well.
Also congratulations are in order for all you done

 

[Time_To_Die]

Damn a veteran of Sasu
Welcome back.
Why'd you come back btw? There must be another reason beside this post.
In any case, i hope you're well.
Also congratulations are in order for all you done

Thank you so much for the kind words!

I think I mostly came back because I'm at another juncture in my life - I've decided not to just rot in my parents' household anymore. So I've been thinking back on what strategies have (or haven't) worked for me over the years. It was natural to come back to this place because this is where I came when I had my breakdown at 25, when I asked myself many of the same questions about how to move on.

Thank you for the question kind stranger. May the world bring you good fortune.

 

[cait_sith]

I remember already lurking in 2019, I just took a long time to join

 

[Time_To_Die]

I remember already lurking in 2019, I just took a long time to join

You may have seen me in the chatroom - I was fairly regular back around 2019 :).

 

[raybd]

Sounds like we've both been through quite a ride! I actually had a meeting with some guys from JPL a few years ago. Small world.

May I ask what your health condition is?

It's a rare autoimmune condition - about 20 years away from a cure. Thanks to the unscientific illiterate darkness in DC right now... may be 30.

 

[Time_To_Die]

It's a rare autoimmune condition - about 20 years away from a cure. Thanks to the unscientific illiterate darkness in DC right now... may be 30.

So sorry to hear that. The present state of politics is enough to drive anyone crazy, but you must have that feeling tenfold...

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I guess it wasn't Time To Die after all.

 

[Time_To_Die]

I guess it wasn't Time To Die after all.

Predictions are difficult, especially about the future! Lol.

 

[whatisaholemadeof]

Hey, thanks for posting. Been suicidal on/off for probably 7 years but only recently gained access to this forum. What you said about suicidal ideation stopping you from preparing for the future is 100% true in my case. I understand I will probably still be alive in May, even October. But the thoughts are still a huge energy drain and feel very real. Can't really plan ahead much.

I am grateful and also overwhelmed by the information at my disposal. I was finally able to look into methods that have a higher chance of working. But after reading about how to actually execute those methods, I don't think CTB is for me. Mainly because I just don't have the balls at the end of the day which I have to make peace with and move on.

 

[Time_To_Die]

Hey, thanks for posting. Been suicidal on/off for probably 7 years but only recently gained access to this forum. What you said about suicidal ideation stopping you from preparing for the future is 100% true in my case. I understand I will probably still be alive in May, even October. But the thoughts are still a huge energy drain and feel very real. Can't really plan ahead much.

I am grateful and also overwhelmed by the information at my disposal. I was finally able to look into methods that have a higher chance of working. But after reading about how to actually execute those methods, I don't think CTB is for me. Mainly because I just don't have the balls at the end of the day which I have to make peace with and move on.

Learning to live with suicidal ideation - and plan for the future - is definitely an extremely tricky skill to learn. I haven't completely got the hang of it, but I think it must be possible.

I'm glad to hear you feel a greater sense of certainty about your own future than you used to. Seems like deciding firmly one way or another about suicide, as early as possible in life, is an extremely useful accomplishment.

 

[enditplz]

- Have you always had suicidal thoughts or just when life got bad?
- how much were you making when you were a data scientist? Did your suicidal thoughts go away while you were able to support yourself financially?
- You said you have no real relationships now, have you ever had a SO? Do you feel like having a relationship would fix a lot of problems in your life?
- I know you said you have no plans to ctb now, but do you have a breaking point? Like what if life doesn't get better in 5 years?

 

[Time_To_Die]

- Have you always had suicidal thoughts or just when life got bad?
- how much were you making when you were a data scientist? Did your suicidal thoughts go away while you were able to support yourself financially?
- You said you have no real relationships now, have you ever had a SO? Do you feel like having a relationship would fix a lot of problems in your life?
- I know you said you have no plans to ctb now, but do you have a breaking point? Like what if life doesn't get better in 5 years?

-Pretty much always had suicidal thoughts, although I've gone through multi-month periods where I don't have much suicidal ideation. Usually only when everything is going well do the suicidal thoughts abate.
-about 160K plus benefits, with room for growth.
-Never had an SO. I think that I'll have to take dating more seriously since relationships seem to make a lot of people happy and once you hit 30 you don't have many options for social life except romantic partners and kids. I honestly have no idea whether a relationship will fix my problems since I have no experience with it. My hunch is that a relationship will at most improve my life moderately.
-It's hard to answer because when I was 25 I would have definitely wanted to ctb knowing where I am now at 32. I think if my life became radically worse, I would seriously consider ctb again, like if I literally could not even conceive of a better future. I suppose the older I get, the closer I get to that point until I sort myself out.


Thanks for the questions! I hope you are well!

 

[enditplz]

-Pretty much always had suicidal thoughts, although I've gone through multi-month periods where I don't have much suicidal ideation. Usually only when everything is going well do the suicidal thoughts abate.
-about 160K plus benefits, with room for growth.
-Never had an SO. I think that I'll have to take dating more seriously since relationships seem to make a lot of people happy and once you hit 30 you don't have many options for social life except romantic partners and kids. I honestly have no idea whether a relationship will fix my problems since I have no experience with it. My hunch is that a relationship will at most improve my life moderately.
-It's hard to answer because when I was 25 I would have definitely wanted to ctb knowing where I am now at 32. I think if my life became radically worse, I would seriously consider ctb again, like if I literally could not even conceive of a better future. I suppose the older I get, the closer I get to that point until I sort myself out.


Thanks for the questions! I hope you are well!

Thanks for answering! We seem to be in similar situations. I'm also in my 30s and work in tech. I spent 2 years unemployed and started prepping my exit plan cause tech hiring is trash now. I finally found a job, but I'm still struggling with my thoughts and social isolation and wonder if I'll hit my breaking point soon. I hope things do get better for you.

 

[Time_To_Die]

Thanks for answering! We seem to be in similar situations. I'm also in my 30s and work in tech. I spent 2 years unemployed and started prepping my exit plan cause tech hiring is trash now. I finally found a job, but I'm still struggling with my thoughts and social isolation and wonder if I'll hit my breaking point soon. I hope things do get better for you.

I'm happy to meet someone in a similar situation! Definitely when you get a STEM degree people don't tell you that getting hired is such a bitch. I wish I had a happy thought to share with you, but unfortunately I'm figuring things out just like you. All I can say is, life is guaranteed to change and it could change for the better.

Best wishes to you and thank you for replying to my thread!

 

[raybd]

Thanks for answering! We seem to be in similar situations. I'm also in my 30s and work in tech. I spent 2 years unemployed and started prepping my exit plan cause tech hiring is trash now. I finally found a job, but I'm still struggling with my thoughts and social isolation and wonder if I'll hit my breaking point soon. I hope things do get better for you.

It's long since I had direct touch with the tech world. I am more applied science and med research, attached to universities, NIH and such. But, why do you say tech hiring is trash when we keep hearing of all these tech-bros buying up the world, all roughly your age?
Do you mind sharing a rough location? Even in the big recession of 2008-2009, somehow tech was a bit insulated. And now, I keep hearing of friends and relatives in the Valley and Austin doing well. Then the NYT or some other joint runs a story of high tech unemployment and people driving uber. Don't know what to believe.
My health's too far gone more than a year to work anyway. And even when working I was in a highly specialized, even niche field in the larger science and tech world. It has its own dynamic unaffected by boom or bust in the rest of the science and tech world.

 

[Time_To_Die]

It's long since I had direct touch with the tech world. I am more applied science and med research, attached to universities, NIH and such. But, why do you say tech hiring is trash when we keep hearing of all these tech-bros buying up the world, all roughly your age?
Do you mind sharing a rough location? Even in the big recession of 2008-2009, somehow tech was a bit insulated. And now, I keep hearing of friends and relatives in the Valley and Austin doing well. Then the NYT or some other joint runs a story of high tech unemployment and people driving uber. Don't know what to believe.
My health's too far gone more than a year to work anyway. And even when working I was in a highly specialized, even niche field in the larger science and tech world. It has its own dynamic unaffected by boom or bust in the rest of the science and tech world.

Right now I dont live in an area with many tech opportunities. When I was employed, I mostly worked in the SE USA, in Atlanta and Washington, DC as a government contractor.

STEM grads have surprisingly high unemployment rates, although that's likely partially due to humanities/social science majors taking unskilled jobs (source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/money.com/college-grads-stem-degrees-unemployed/?amp=true). It does seem to me that getting an interview is relatively easy, but getting a job is much harder.

I think some of my difficulties with finding employment may have been related to data science being sort of a meme field that everyone suddenly wanted to go into. I probably would have done myself better to go into a less-sexy sounding sub-field like data engineering.

 

[quietbird]

Hello friends!

As the title says, I was 25 when I joined SS (when my life basically imploded) and I'm 32 now. The thought of making it to 32 was incomprehensible when I was 25, and yet here I am. I thought I would share some thoughts, which will hopefully prove useful to anyone who thinks they might still be around in a few years.

I'm a bit ambivalent about having survived this long. I'm far from a success story, though I've had ups as well as downs in the past six and and a half years. I got a super high-paying job in a highly competitive field (data science). I stayed in that field for about 4.5 years, had another breakdown and moved back in with my parents (where I still live). That's a story for another time, though I can go through it if anyone's interested.

I gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, learned that I had gained a bunch of muscle when I was fat. So now I look better than I did when I was first skinny. It seems that sometimes failure is a prerequisite for success. Who knew?

Still no relationships outside my family really. Most of my old friends have moved on and don't return my calls anymore. But my relationship with my family has grown much deeper.

Now I'm trying to cobble together some sort of life after two years of unemployment and no real relationships. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Honestly I still sort of wish I had killed myself in my 20s. But I'm going to try to keep moving forward in life. Because I've learned that the worst thing about suicidal ideation is that it stops you from preparing for the future, when you will (statistically) most likely still be alive.

Feel free to ask any questions or post any of your own relevant stories.

I don't know you, but I'm proud of you all the same.

 

[raybd]

Right now I dont live in an area with many tech opportunities. When I was employed, I mostly worked in the SE USA, in Atlanta and Washington, DC as a government contractor.

STEM grads have surprisingly high unemployment rates, although that's likely partially due to humanities/social science majors taking unskilled jobs (source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/money.com/college-grads-stem-degrees-unemployed/?amp=true). It does seem to me that getting an interview is relatively easy, but getting a job is much harder.

I think some of my difficulties with finding employment may have been related to data science being sort of a meme field that everyone suddenly wanted to go into. I probably would have done myself better to go into a less-sexy sounding sub-field like data engineering.

I'm past the mid 30s. So the people I know from the "tech world proper" would be a bit older or younger. All those folks are going strong...at least on linkedin... Principal Engineer Siri at the big A, UI evangelist at the big O... most of these are "hard core" people... with papers, patents, mostly PhDs... how is life for those guys? These were all not just STEM people, or even generic coders, but highly specialized - Computer Science, Biomed, Computer Engineering and such types.
And, isn't there a lot more money in the DC govt tech outgrowth in the current regime?
I heard somewhere about Palantir alone drawing truckloads of people.
So, what do you say? The job-loss is for all the people who joined the tech bandwagon for quick opportunities but, not necessarily the deep-skilled?
I read a couple of articles about tech job loss - it seemed it was all oversupply and the less skilled being weeded out. Then, the NYT covered this Purdue Computer Science grad - solid background - and Purdue may not be MIT or Stanford but is still very respectable for Computer Science - and how she couldn't even get an interview. Didn't know what to think.