Venting I hope this is my last week

[lazyasskittycat]

I'm going out with SN method. And i really wish this is my last week. so before go, i wanna vent in all honesty in a way i've never done before.

TW: sexual harassment, bullying, ISLAM (just in case some of u r a victim or a family of victim from suicide bombing of a certain terrorist group. but i hope u still read it bcs im a muslim, and i wanna show u that im human too just like u, unlike those ISIS guy.)

I feel like i have no where to go, no places that accepts me. if i go to my family they will just say im lazy, i made things up, im faking it, and everything is my fault like i didnt know that it is. stranger looking at me weird and scared even bcs they think im a terrorist (bcs im using bih hijab). i got bullied physically and verbally my whole entire school life bcs im ugly and fat, even got worse after im using big hijab bcs they also thought im from a radical group (even tho most of them also a muslim.), but even then if i go to god, to a religious ppl, im not religious enough so i always felt like the outsider, some might even suspecting that i was faking it even tho i did use big hijab by my own will and i do want to repent, and i feel like god didnt love me, maybe he did, but im the least fav yk, so every time i pray, its just feels like u r begging for a love from someone that will never love u and u know it, it hurts so bad. if i go to a community like this web, i also think nobody would accept me bcs my problem is nothing compared to all of u and here i am crying like i lost my wlohe family to a war. i dont have the rights to even feel suicidal to anyone. i am that ugly to the point even when i use high school uniform(and the HS uniform is the same all over the country), but ppl still think im an old lady who got 5 children, even someone who r much older than me like me 19 and them 30-40, they thought i was older than them, i always got mistaken as the teacher or whatever anywhere i go, i even got mistaken as my dad's wife when my mom was clearly here with us, some ppl have admitted that my mom looks younger and much prettier(and no this isnt a joke, the person who said this is known for being brutally honest, and they r not even a friend of mine), it was all funny at first, and oh i thought it was bcs i covered my face with a mask and i use big hijab so ofc ppl will think im old, but after i open my mask i thought it'll be clear yk bcs i have no wrinkles and stuff, but no, they still call me "buk"(buk is way to address older women in indonesian. usually for a women of the age of 40+ or someone who alr have children.), it made me realized that how much i have nothing at all in my life, i dont even look like my age, moreover a brain to survive university. im so so so sorry, i cannot help it. i still want to hurt myself, i still want to kill myself. im not pretty, i have no talents, not rich either, not religious enough, not smart, nor do i have any creative or artistic talent either, the only thing i have is anything u can hate me for. and i wish its an exaggeration, but its really not. i have no future. and the only think that have ever happened to me is sexual harassment, bullying, humiliation. see? its nothing. but im so useless so hopeless. i cant take this anymore, i have no future. i've been holding it back for 10 years. see? its nothing compared some of u who've been living a horrifying life for more then 20 years. i've survived suicide attempt once and it was the worst mental breakdown that i've ever had ( especially post suicide attempt). so i really wish that this is the last time.

question: if this attempt fail again, what will happen? i wanna prepare in case i fail again. and any advice on how to dump everything i had (my E-diaries, and diaries, etc.) but also in case i failed, i able to access it again, bcs its a valuable things i have.

Thank you so much for reading this messy, stupid, ctb note. im so so sorry for being riddiculous

PS: i did seek for professional help. changed psychiatrist twice, and now on a therapist, but last week my therapist told me to go to a psychiatrist again bcs i need meds for my suicidal thoughts and actions so i was supposed to go to the third psychiatrist(different person), but i feel like its useless, its not like if i drink the anti depression ppl im gonna be smart all of a sudden. i've had temporarily diagnosed of MDE(major depressive episode), PTSD, social anxiety. all came from a different therapist. so i really dont know which one is correct, but i suspected its the PTSD one bcs im most honest in that one. but yea, i've given up on all of this.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're struggling. You have a right to be here just like everyone else "hugs* I hope you find peace

 

[whywere]

Hello!

1st off, my heart breaks in a million pieces for you. Quick background, I am 66, lots of mental health issues, 2 attempts, no family nor friends, except everyone here, and I have been through the life mill so, so many times.

Now 2nd off, I could care less about any form of organized religion, so being Muslim is great, if it gives you peace and guidance. I can never understand folks how lump all into one. I come from a unique background out of Germany, and I used to get a hard time about it, and you know what? All these years later I have traveled and had a lot of good and some bad things i n my life and the ones who gave me crap way back when are still stuck in the middle of nowhere, having done nothing with their life.

I am proud of you for being you and you have so much to offer not only yourself but all of humanity. I was kicked out at 18 by my "parents" and never saw or heard from them again, their choice and I blossomed just fine without the baggage.

I have been on Celexa for 9 years and it works, so maybe give the new meds a try. I have massive depression, BPD, heck everything.

I want the very best for you and pm me any time that you want.

Sending you huge hugs, smiles and the overriding fact that you are such a precious and loving soul.

Walter

 

[Littlewittlelight]

Hello!

1st off, my heart breaks in a million pieces for you. Quick background, I am 66, lots of mental health issues, 2 attempts, no family nor friends, except everyone here, and I have been through the life mill so, so many times.

Now 2nd off, I could care less about any form of organized religion, so being Muslim is great, if it gives you peace and guidance. I can never understand folks how lump all into one. I come from a unique background out of Germany, and I used to get a hard time about it, and you know what? All these years later I have traveled and had a lot of good and some bad things i n my life and the ones who gave me crap way back when are still stuck in the middle of nowhere, having done nothing with their life.

I am proud of you for being you and you have so much to offer not only yourself but all of humanity. I was kicked out at 18 by my "parents" and never saw or heard from them again, their choice and I blossomed just fine without the baggage.

I have been on Celexa for 9 years and it works, so maybe give the new meds a try. I have massive depression, BPD, heck everything.

I want the very best for you and pm me any time that you want.

Sending you huge hugs, smiles and the overriding fact that you are such a precious and loving soul.

Walter

That's a soul I feel this girl wants to live I am not against what she said but it's what I felt and if am wrong forgive me op but you got something to hold onto your problems seem big and discrimination based on religion or the privilege and attention attractive people get make me feel the same way I understand it's hard and I don't like it I wish it wasn't there some people who say they don't do it but it's ugly how they can tell a person they look old and it's not being about blunt sorry. I believe people wouldn't care about attractiveness as much and I can say everyone is attractive beauty is subjective and about talent or anything could you give it another try work your way slowly I am also 20? And I would never say to someone they are ugly just because of how they look. People are already broken. what does it even mean? And if I ever give up then it won't be totally because of how ugly and skinny they found me I would rather succumb to my own problems not what they thought about me. I know it's so freaking hard but hold on ? I am asking not giving advice and telling things I would feel for you or anyone else?
This elder person said something which I really agree with they look wise just try to do everything it's not bad to talk to elder people online they have experience. Hold onto anything don't do something impulsively I am not against your decision or ruling it but when I read this message it was long and can see you are hurt so deeply which could be causing this. If you have a family that's supportive sorround yourself with them and stay away from who judge you? Sorry for long one but I could relate

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have had to endure all this. It really is such a cruel existence which brings people to this point. I wish you peace and relief from suffering.

 

[lazyasskittycat]

That's a soul I feel this girl wants to live I am not against what she said but it's what I felt and if am wrong forgive me op but you got something to hold onto your problems seem big and discrimination based on religion or the privilege and attention attractive people get make me feel the same way I understand it's hard and I don't like it I wish it wasn't there some people who say they don't do it but it's ugly how they can tell a person they look old and it's not being about blunt sorry. I believe people wouldn't care about attractiveness as much and I can say everyone is attractive beauty is subjective and about talent or anything could you give it another try work your way slowly I am also 20? And I would never say to someone they are ugly just because of how they look. People are already broken. what does it even mean? And if I ever give up then it won't be totally because of how ugly and skinny they found me I would rather succumb to my own problems not what they thought about me. I know it's so freaking hard but hold on ? I am asking not giving advice and telling things I would feel for you or anyone else?
This elder person said something which I really agree with they look wise just try to do everything it's not bad to talk to elder people online they have experience. Hold onto anything don't do something impulsively I am not against your decision or ruling it but when I read this message it was long and can see you are hurt so deeply which could be causing this. If you have a family that's supportive sorround yourself with them and stay away from who judge you? Sorry for long one but I could relate

sorry i cannot seem to understand what u're saying, sorryy

 

[Littlewittlelight]

sorry i cannot seem to understand what u're saying, sorryy

I am sorry I just wrote it. It got too long. Can you tell me what part you couldn't understand or the whole thing? I would try to write it properly and better and also English isn't my first language sorry about that. I know it isn't yours either but It can be hard sometimes I don't even use punctuations not to forget I can't use them properly but what part? I would be happy to write it again.
What I

sorry i cannot seem to understand what u're saying, sorryy

Meant was I am not against what you decided or anything it's your choice but I felt you want to live. I won't brush anything off you have had so many problems and sorry about that main point I made was I wouldn't ever find someone unattractive or ugly why? Because beauty is subjective and what person has the right to tell someone they are ugly? That would never be my concern and I am a 20 year old guy I never found a girl or a guy unattractive if they weren't my type I would say I am not attracted but noone should tel someone they are ugly it doesn't matter how blunt they are because that's not the concern and about moving forward or getting skills you would have some skills already which could be further refined as you move forward slowly? I am not skilled I don't think anyone is already at the age of 19. It isn't as bad if you still have the will to live it can be changed. I just felt you have the will and sorry for all you have been through. Could you talk to your parents seems like they have been helping and I see your psychologist referred you to psychiatrist again but you could let them know even about that? I don't think they would just abandon you if they have been of help. Las thing if you want to talk to someone that elder person also welcomed you and talking to your parents or anyone could help? It's always best but I also have seen old people who are so good at understanding because they have experience I am not saying everyone would we could get hurt again sometimes but hold onto it if there is slightest of hope? I would say again noone is ugly and if someone says that to someone that person is really ugly at heart I feel. You could try to stay away from such people. I also have seen attractive people think they aren't as attractive people stop eating because they were told they were fat when they weren't. Sometimes people say things without thinking it's kinda their habit but it affects us which makes it hard. I wanted to make these points again.
Thank you for reading.

 

[SexyIncél]

Hey, it's ok! No need to feel guilt. We understand. Nothing you wrote is ridiculous

Your pain & anxiety is perfectly understandable here, and very many of us share it

And I hope it's my last week too

 

[lazyasskittycat]

I am sorry I just wrote it. It got too long. Can you tell me what part you couldn't understand or the whole thing? I would try to write it properly and better and also English isn't my first language sorry about that. I know it isn't yours either but It can be hard sometimes I don't even use punctuations not to forget I can't use them properly but what part? I would be happy to write it again.
What I

Meant was I am not against what you decided or anything it's your choice but I felt you want to live. I won't brush anything off you have had so many problems and sorry about that main point I made was I wouldn't ever find someone unattractive or ugly why? Because beauty is subjective and what person has the right to tell someone they are ugly? That would never be my concern and I am a 20 year old guy I never found a girl or a guy unattractive if they weren't my type I would say I am not attracted but noone should tel someone they are ugly it doesn't matter how blunt they are because that's not the concern and about moving forward or getting skills you would have some skills already which could be further refined as you move forward slowly? I am not skilled I don't think anyone is already at the age of 19. It isn't as bad if you still have the will to live it can be changed. I just felt you have the will and sorry for all you have been through. Could you talk to your parents seems like they have been helping and I see your psychologist referred you to psychiatrist again but you could let them know even about that? I don't think they would just abandon you if they have been of help. Las thing if you want to talk to someone that elder person also welcomed you and talking to your parents or anyone could help? It's always best but I also have seen old people who are so good at understanding because they have experience I am not saying everyone would we could get hurt again sometimes but hold onto it if there is slightest of hope? I would say again noone is ugly and if someone says that to someone that person is really ugly at heart I feel. You could try to stay away from such people. I also have seen attractive people think they aren't as attractive people stop eating because they were told they were fat when they weren't. Sometimes people say things without thinking it's kinda their habit but it affects us which makes it hard. I wanted to make these points again.
Thank you for reading.

i also used to not care about the way i look, i also still didnt care that much either. but dude it doesnt really matter what i think i look if ppl r gonna treat me like im not a human being. i've had an accident one time, im riding a bike and got ran over by a car, literally around THIRTEEN PEOPLE from my school, including my classmate, watched it happened, staring at me helpless at the ground badly injured, and they just decided to look away and go home, walking calmly like nothing happened. and this happened more than twice alr. my classmates watched me couldnt walk, literally asking for a help to them and they just looking at me while laughing while still keep walking away calmly. i dont mind the saying "u r ugly", bcs i thought so to, and im a typical person that didnt care about my appearence either. but getting this inhuman treat from others while the other girl who r pretty is crying over a small bruise bcs of her own fault, everyone's worried like its the end of the world. i wish im exaggerating rn, but im not.

and no, u r mistaken when u think i wanna live, ever since the first attempts, i dont have the will to live at all. i just stay alive bcs 1.) i failed the first one and it injured my stomach really bad than it alr is (GERD) and i've had symtomps of liver failure, which makes my life even harder than before the attempt. im just scared if i fail again and it'll give me permanent damage (thats why im here, with my SN). 2.) im scared of the torments in grave and hell based on my beliefs. thats the only thing that stopping me, not making me want to live.

my parents said i was faking my crying to get away from responsibilty in university :)
why? bcs they heard me playing video games and laughing. they expect me to either only cry or only laugh, and i cant guarantee any. its very toxic. and many more toxic things happened in my family. they only let me go to psychiatrist bcs i was asking for a help and a support from a normal doctor (the one i always go to whenever my GERD gets worse).

though, i appreciate ur concerns, tysm. now i gotta go drink my SN.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

S

i also used to not care about the way i look, i also still didnt care that much either. but dude it doesnt really matter what i think i look if ppl r gonna treat me like im not a human being. i've had an accident one time, im riding a bike and got ran over by a car, literally around THIRTEEN PEOPLE from my school, including my classmate, watched it happened, staring at me helpless at the ground badly injured, and they just decided to look away and go home, walking calmly like nothing happened. and this happened more than twice alr. my classmates watched me couldnt walk, literally asking for a help to them and they just looking at me while laughing while still keep walking away calmly. i dont mind the saying "u r ugly", bcs i thought so to, and im a typical person that didnt care about my appearence either. but getting this inhuman treat from others while the other girl who r pretty is crying over a small bruise bcs of her own fault, everyone's worried like its the end of the world. i wish im exaggerating rn, but im not.

and no, u r mistaken when u think i wanna live, ever since the first attempts, i dont have the will to live at all. i just stay alive bcs 1.) i failed the first one and it injured my stomach really bad than it alr is (GERD) and i've had symtomps of liver failure, which makes my life even harder than before the attempt. im just scared if i fail again and it'll give me permanent damage (thats why im here, with my SN). 2.) im scared of the torments in grave and hell based on my beliefs. thats the only thing that stopping me, not making me want to live.

my parents said i was faking my crying to get away from responsibilty in university :)
why? bcs they heard me playing video games and laughing. they expect me to either only cry or only laugh, and i cant guarantee any. its very toxic. and many more toxic things happened in my family. they only let me go to psychiatrist bcs i was asking for a help and a support from a normal doctor (the one i always go to whenever my GERD gets worse).

though, i appreciate ur concerns, tysm. now i gotta go drink my SN.

Sorry for saying that I asked you that is why and already said it's my speculation I am sorry that they didn't look at you and this thing is the same here that's why I sometimes say eastern world is fucked it is no different in India and they let me do anything my family but everything outside sucks they are always to ready to abuse verbally or somehow. I got beat up well if not perfect in grade 12 and since then I felt that until my bruises are visible noone will understand it. I am sorry and it's really hard but it's true attractive people are going to get that attention. if I was wounded and noone came would be killing me and if someone even came I still keep in mind no stranger is going step up because eastern world will forever be fucked the police isn't police when you attempt it they just let you go and never come back to see once to see how you are doing forget the help and recovery. Eastern world will forever be more fucked I don't mind shooting in gangs or how tough it is in Western world atleast it's not overpopulated there because it happens here too fights or sth. I am sorry for making that speculation and I respect whatever you feel but be kind to yourself whatever you do because people didn't care now you only have yourself? I can atleast relate even half of the times when someone says they don't care about looks they do but there are good people too who keep it to themselves and help regardless of looks. These kids in colleges are full of shit half of them no doubt I am sorry that this has happened.