For the longest time now, and especially now that I'm actively seeking to CTB, I've always wondered what my life would've been like if things were different. What if I knew my mom would keep a stranglehold over my finances for years, what if I actually listened to my dad that my mom was just using all this money for "bills" for herself, what if I treated my ex better and things didn't go up in flames the way they did, what if I actually took care of myself instead of letting my perfectly good body go to waste, what if I knew everyone singing my praises only did so out of respect of my accomplishment and not my actual person, what if I actually chose a career that made money instead of one that I hoped would give me both monetary wellbeing and fulfillment, what if I was actually social with more people instead of clinging onto people who are actively getting tired of accommodating all of my struggles?
I think all I wanted out of life was the life that so many people around me have. I don't go outside because of money. I've always been poor. Things were meant to change with this job, but after almost a year of unemployment I'm just back to retail again. My mom still asking for more and more money that I simply don't have. Yet, for someone who says they cant pay rent, or bills, or even afford food; she sure does look nice with the new bag and shoes she bought despite the fact that she too never leaves the apartment.
I really feel as though instead of just sitting on these issues since 2016, I shouldve put my foot down immediatly. I shouldv'e said something anything really. But instead I chose to ignore it and just let things be, now I find myself regretting years upon years upon years of this same cycle continuing over and over and over again. I am not perfect, I know that everyone has their own demons, but man do I wish I could be literally anyone else right now or at the very least a better me. Someone whose actually successful, someone who can be like everyone else. Instead I'm just me, a 26 year old with rotting teeth cause I haven't been able to afford a dentist in years. My dad's side has all but given up on me even after coming clean about what's happening with my mom. Who could blame them? I chose her over them years ago. But is it really fair to judge a person on a decision they made when they were a child? How could I have ever known the repercussions. All I even remember is everyone screaming around and at me...
All I want out of my death, is a 2nd chance. I want to be the best me possible. Give me the reset, I can make it work, and at the very least tis time it'll actually be my choice. This isn't my goodbye just yet, but I know it'll only take one more push, I'm already ordering a rope in the coming week so the option will always be here for me. I've already tried to jump into a train once, I already have a permanent scar on my arm, I know I won't be afraid to do this.
I think all I wanted out of life was the life that so many people around me have. I don't go outside because of money. I've always been poor. Things were meant to change with this job, but after almost a year of unemployment I'm just back to retail again. My mom still asking for more and more money that I simply don't have. Yet, for someone who says they cant pay rent, or bills, or even afford food; she sure does look nice with the new bag and shoes she bought despite the fact that she too never leaves the apartment.
I really feel as though instead of just sitting on these issues since 2016, I shouldve put my foot down immediatly. I shouldv'e said something anything really. But instead I chose to ignore it and just let things be, now I find myself regretting years upon years upon years of this same cycle continuing over and over and over again. I am not perfect, I know that everyone has their own demons, but man do I wish I could be literally anyone else right now or at the very least a better me. Someone whose actually successful, someone who can be like everyone else. Instead I'm just me, a 26 year old with rotting teeth cause I haven't been able to afford a dentist in years. My dad's side has all but given up on me even after coming clean about what's happening with my mom. Who could blame them? I chose her over them years ago. But is it really fair to judge a person on a decision they made when they were a child? How could I have ever known the repercussions. All I even remember is everyone screaming around and at me...
All I want out of my death, is a 2nd chance. I want to be the best me possible. Give me the reset, I can make it work, and at the very least tis time it'll actually be my choice. This isn't my goodbye just yet, but I know it'll only take one more push, I'm already ordering a rope in the coming week so the option will always be here for me. I've already tried to jump into a train once, I already have a permanent scar on my arm, I know I won't be afraid to do this.
