I hope i die tonight

[kk13]

Please i done want to live anymore this mind is a prison. Im only 19 i should be wishing for better things but i have lost all hope. I dont care what happens to me anymore. Just let me die let me fucking kill myself i cant take this shit anymore im so done im so tired.
All of my dreams are gone. I wanted to become a famous painter who spreads love and meaning through my paintings i had so much potential why did no one notice me?? Was i not good enough? Its all my fault im stuck here. Why is my own mind torturing me.
After my mom caught me, she told me if i killed myself she and my dad would live like living corpses. But what about me. I died a long time ago but no one noticed. Why didn't anyone notice me. There were so many signs. But no one noticed. When i withdrew from my friends and dove myself into my studies everyone said i was doing too much. Why didnt they think about WHY why why.
Maybe i should've asked for help earlier maybe I should've reached out to my friends maybe I should have fucking killed myself 5 years ago.
I dont feel like i exist. Im not even real. This existence cannot be real. This is a fucking joke. When i die everything will die with me. None of this is real. How can it be? What even is real?
Please let me die tonight. If i cant have anything else please just let me end my existence let me have just this one thing . I wont ask for more just let me die i dont want anything else god just fucking kill me i need to die im gonna go crazy why is this happening to me what did I deserve to live with my miserable mind. I tried so hard to get myself out of this i really thought i could beat depression i was so fucking naive but this is too much i cant even cry anymore not matter how sad i am the tears just wont come i want to die just let me end this pain once and for all

 

[burninghill]

Hey man I'm 19 too and a painter. I think we're in a really similar boat.
I tried my hardest to help people recognise the signs that I wasn't doing well and I fixated on my studies to distract myself for years.
I feel like I'm way overdue death. Like I died back when I was 13 and I've been dragging my feet since.

I saw your other threads from tonight. Please don't beat yourself up if you back our or survive. I've been there. I wanted to shut myself off from this community out of sheer embarassment, but I didn't.

I just wanted to let you know that theres dozens of people exactly like you on here and not to feel ashamed of the way you feel or the potential outcomes of your attempt tonight.