Hi guys, looking to vent here and a piece of advice.
I'm in my early 20's, struggling with trauma, depression, addiction and schizoaffective disorder.
Lost my mother when I was 11 and my father when I was 19.
After mom passed away, I had to take care of my father because of his illness which eventually made him addicted to opiates (Oxy, fentanyl).
Most of the time he ran out of meds too soon and I couldn't get him more until a certain time has passed. I was abused by him through the years until he passed away.
I hated and loved him at the same time. I've ways had hope that he will return to the same state he was before he got addicted.
After his death, I ran away from everything. It took me a few days to realize what happened.
A friend gave me a spliff to smoke so i can relax and after some time I was smoking weed on a daily basis. Beers were also added to the mix.
After 2 months i was hospitalized because of a psychotic episode. I was there for 3 months and it felt like hell. I simply felt like no one understands me and that everyone are against me.
I came back to weed and beers while taking tons of medications. A few suicide attempts came through the years including psychotic episodes and I tried my best to live a normal life (Work, relationships etc) but it always failed after a few weeks.
Two months ago I've had a suicide attempt. I swallowed all my meds and wrote to a friend that I did it. After about a week in a coma, I woke up in ICU while both my hands are tied to the bed. It was truly a nightmare. I begged them to free my hands but none listened.
The people I knew and who came to visit said that i need to get into a psychiatric hospital right after being discharged from the hospital. I refused, and they cut me loose.
And here I am, July 7th, thinking about taking all my meds and calling it a day. I don't have anyone to speak to or consult with. I never felt so lonely in my life.
EDIT: I have meds like Perphenazine, Seroquel, Nozinan, Effexor, lamotrigine, Depakote, Xanax and Valium. This cocktail worked once, but this time I won't let anyone know.
I'm in my early 20's, struggling with trauma, depression, addiction and schizoaffective disorder.
Lost my mother when I was 11 and my father when I was 19.
After mom passed away, I had to take care of my father because of his illness which eventually made him addicted to opiates (Oxy, fentanyl).
Most of the time he ran out of meds too soon and I couldn't get him more until a certain time has passed. I was abused by him through the years until he passed away.
I hated and loved him at the same time. I've ways had hope that he will return to the same state he was before he got addicted.
After his death, I ran away from everything. It took me a few days to realize what happened.
A friend gave me a spliff to smoke so i can relax and after some time I was smoking weed on a daily basis. Beers were also added to the mix.
After 2 months i was hospitalized because of a psychotic episode. I was there for 3 months and it felt like hell. I simply felt like no one understands me and that everyone are against me.
I came back to weed and beers while taking tons of medications. A few suicide attempts came through the years including psychotic episodes and I tried my best to live a normal life (Work, relationships etc) but it always failed after a few weeks.
Two months ago I've had a suicide attempt. I swallowed all my meds and wrote to a friend that I did it. After about a week in a coma, I woke up in ICU while both my hands are tied to the bed. It was truly a nightmare. I begged them to free my hands but none listened.
The people I knew and who came to visit said that i need to get into a psychiatric hospital right after being discharged from the hospital. I refused, and they cut me loose.
And here I am, July 7th, thinking about taking all my meds and calling it a day. I don't have anyone to speak to or consult with. I never felt so lonely in my life.
EDIT: I have meds like Perphenazine, Seroquel, Nozinan, Effexor, lamotrigine, Depakote, Xanax and Valium. This cocktail worked once, but this time I won't let anyone know.
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