I-can-only-imagine
Student
- Apr 26, 2021
- 135
Since moving here, I have done everything right. I have religiously attended my DBT. i have done all the homework, i try and practice the skills most days. I take my meds religiously 99% of the time. And yet for the last three(ish) days i have had a drastic decline from what was a steady decline.
I honestly dont know what to do. I saw my case manager yesterday. She knows everything, but i still wasnt able to be 100% honest with her, just 98% because i know another admission will be done. I have been in 6 hospitals since the end of may. And yet i always go backwards. So whats the point of another admission? it doesnt help - and when im in honestly try. And i am meant ot be going away for christmas in 16 days. How am i going to do that if i get readmitted. How am i even going to get through 2 1/2 weeks of being in the middle of no-where with family i barely know. how am i going to get away with my restricting of food because atm it is the only thing i can control and with the borderline ED, the weight loss is the only accomplishment i feel but even that does not bring me joy.
I gave up Alcohol because i was abusing it SO badly. and i was doing ok apart from mild cravings, until 3 days ago where i have sat there and wondered what the point is. I miss the oblivion that over half a bottle of rum gives me. now i am just stuck with my thoughts and hard decline 24/7.
I have an appt today (finally) to see a psychiatrist for trying to get my registration back. I am scared that i will say the wrong thing and i wont ever be able to go back to work. But i also dont see the point of going back to work because if i do, and i relapse and loose my job then why have i tried doing the right thing and fought to get back to work eventually.
i just feel so lost and so close to another attemot at CTB. but i cant with dad here. even if he has been a complete dick the last 5 days. He is the reason i have been trying. and i physically cannot tell him how i am doing without alcohol on board as there is something in me that stops me being able to be open with him when sober, even though he is nothing but supportive when i do open up.
Sorry for the word vomit. i dont even know why i have written this post. i guess maybe it will help. i have no faith in it making any difference. even my case manager says i am "Atypical" and so we have to try and look outside the box for something to help. i have 0 faith in anything changing and i know i will be gone within the next 18 months, if i even last that long. atm i dont even know how i will get through one day.
anyway, if you have managed to stick through this, thank you.
I honestly dont know what to do. I saw my case manager yesterday. She knows everything, but i still wasnt able to be 100% honest with her, just 98% because i know another admission will be done. I have been in 6 hospitals since the end of may. And yet i always go backwards. So whats the point of another admission? it doesnt help - and when im in honestly try. And i am meant ot be going away for christmas in 16 days. How am i going to do that if i get readmitted. How am i even going to get through 2 1/2 weeks of being in the middle of no-where with family i barely know. how am i going to get away with my restricting of food because atm it is the only thing i can control and with the borderline ED, the weight loss is the only accomplishment i feel but even that does not bring me joy.
I gave up Alcohol because i was abusing it SO badly. and i was doing ok apart from mild cravings, until 3 days ago where i have sat there and wondered what the point is. I miss the oblivion that over half a bottle of rum gives me. now i am just stuck with my thoughts and hard decline 24/7.
I have an appt today (finally) to see a psychiatrist for trying to get my registration back. I am scared that i will say the wrong thing and i wont ever be able to go back to work. But i also dont see the point of going back to work because if i do, and i relapse and loose my job then why have i tried doing the right thing and fought to get back to work eventually.
i just feel so lost and so close to another attemot at CTB. but i cant with dad here. even if he has been a complete dick the last 5 days. He is the reason i have been trying. and i physically cannot tell him how i am doing without alcohol on board as there is something in me that stops me being able to be open with him when sober, even though he is nothing but supportive when i do open up.
Sorry for the word vomit. i dont even know why i have written this post. i guess maybe it will help. i have no faith in it making any difference. even my case manager says i am "Atypical" and so we have to try and look outside the box for something to help. i have 0 faith in anything changing and i know i will be gone within the next 18 months, if i even last that long. atm i dont even know how i will get through one day.
anyway, if you have managed to stick through this, thank you.
