GentleJerk
Carrot juice pimp.
- Dec 14, 2021
- 1,372
This is something kind of personal and embarrassing, so I wasn't going to bring it up on this forum, but I've had a think about it and I would like to hear what some honest opinions are on this. I don't know any of you irl and I'm going to die soon, so I'm ok sharing it. It also goes into light detail about me losing my virginity, so *spoiler alert and trigger warning* and what not, leave now if that's something you don't care to read about.
I was taken advantage of, actually I'm going to say raped, by a 22 year old woman when I was just turning 15. At such a young age it left a big impact and I think it might have messed me up in some ways- although not dramatically, as it was not the same sort of serious rape that many people think of when they hear the word.
I've always been conflicted about it, there are some factors which I think made it less of a "bad" thing. The first, and most conflicting, is the fact that I'm a male, and she was a female who was quite attractive, I thought. Then there's the age difference, in my country the legal age for consent is 16 so I wasn't terribly underage, and she was only 6 or so years older than me. Of course I was still practically a child and I saw her as an adult, but not the same sort of completely mature adult like a parent for instance. I'd had boy-crushes on women older than her, like my science teacher.
However, it was still something that happened rather against my wishes. She was very pushy and I was afraid, not afraid as in fearing for my safety or anything, but scared of doing this thing which I wasn't really ready for. In fact I did try to refuse multiple times. Losing your virginity is such a big deal and at that age, the uh, bits n pieces aren't exactly fully grown yet, so I also had some shyness about my body... But she knew this and very much tried to reassure me, saying that none of that matters at all, and she just wanted to teach me everything and show me I had nothing to be afraid of.
I liked her a lot but I still didn't really want to do it, we didn't have any protection so that was another big thing that made me want to say no, but she showed me the Implanon in her arm to prevent pregnancy, and must have spent at least an hour coercing me. It got to a point where she became sort of emotional and upset, actually making me feel quite bad about it, I still wouldn't agree to do it but we ended up making out. At first.
Then one thing led to another, after making out for probably a lot longer than normal, she put her hand down my pants. I immediately went into a mini panic and sort of tried to stop her and say no, but she kept saying "it's ok, don't worry, please, please, let me show you it's fine" etc. In my head I was freaking out, but I ended up letting my guard down, and all the rest followed. That's how I lost my virginity.
After it happened, I was in a daze but I felt amazing and on top of the world. I instantly fell in love with her. We dated secretly for about 2-3 weeks. I would write a small note every single day, a different reason why I loved her. My friend showed me a video that she took of her in tears, claiming that nobody had ever said such beautiful things to her and she didn't deserve me. I thought things were going well, then she disappeared interstate without warning, leaving me heartbroken. I also found out about a month later that I had contracted an STD, but luckily it was one of those easily cured ones.
So much changed after this, I'm still a very affectionate person, though I was never able to show the same level of affection again to any of my future partners, but I'm sure that's pretty common. I lost a lot of innocence but I think that's common too, only I feel the level of innocence I lost was greater than normal. I wanted to be with her forever but after this happened I felt used and for a while, I would feel as if relationships are sort of... not meant to be serious, or worth investing in too deeply. I started having serious commitment issues. And I won't go into the effect it had on me sexually, but I will mention that I don't think it was very positive. One of my friends at the time even gawked at me and thought I was lucky, but especially as I got older, I began to realize that what happened to me is not really normal, and it had some detrimental effects.
Even if you don't comment, I feel better after putting this into words and getting it off my chest. But if any of you have any thoughts I'd love to hear them, especially the guys. Particularly, whether or not you think what happened to me qualifies as rape. If you've read this far, I just want to say that you have an attention span even better than mine, and thank you.
I was taken advantage of, actually I'm going to say raped, by a 22 year old woman when I was just turning 15. At such a young age it left a big impact and I think it might have messed me up in some ways- although not dramatically, as it was not the same sort of serious rape that many people think of when they hear the word.
I've always been conflicted about it, there are some factors which I think made it less of a "bad" thing. The first, and most conflicting, is the fact that I'm a male, and she was a female who was quite attractive, I thought. Then there's the age difference, in my country the legal age for consent is 16 so I wasn't terribly underage, and she was only 6 or so years older than me. Of course I was still practically a child and I saw her as an adult, but not the same sort of completely mature adult like a parent for instance. I'd had boy-crushes on women older than her, like my science teacher.
However, it was still something that happened rather against my wishes. She was very pushy and I was afraid, not afraid as in fearing for my safety or anything, but scared of doing this thing which I wasn't really ready for. In fact I did try to refuse multiple times. Losing your virginity is such a big deal and at that age, the uh, bits n pieces aren't exactly fully grown yet, so I also had some shyness about my body... But she knew this and very much tried to reassure me, saying that none of that matters at all, and she just wanted to teach me everything and show me I had nothing to be afraid of.
I liked her a lot but I still didn't really want to do it, we didn't have any protection so that was another big thing that made me want to say no, but she showed me the Implanon in her arm to prevent pregnancy, and must have spent at least an hour coercing me. It got to a point where she became sort of emotional and upset, actually making me feel quite bad about it, I still wouldn't agree to do it but we ended up making out. At first.
Then one thing led to another, after making out for probably a lot longer than normal, she put her hand down my pants. I immediately went into a mini panic and sort of tried to stop her and say no, but she kept saying "it's ok, don't worry, please, please, let me show you it's fine" etc. In my head I was freaking out, but I ended up letting my guard down, and all the rest followed. That's how I lost my virginity.
After it happened, I was in a daze but I felt amazing and on top of the world. I instantly fell in love with her. We dated secretly for about 2-3 weeks. I would write a small note every single day, a different reason why I loved her. My friend showed me a video that she took of her in tears, claiming that nobody had ever said such beautiful things to her and she didn't deserve me. I thought things were going well, then she disappeared interstate without warning, leaving me heartbroken. I also found out about a month later that I had contracted an STD, but luckily it was one of those easily cured ones.
So much changed after this, I'm still a very affectionate person, though I was never able to show the same level of affection again to any of my future partners, but I'm sure that's pretty common. I lost a lot of innocence but I think that's common too, only I feel the level of innocence I lost was greater than normal. I wanted to be with her forever but after this happened I felt used and for a while, I would feel as if relationships are sort of... not meant to be serious, or worth investing in too deeply. I started having serious commitment issues. And I won't go into the effect it had on me sexually, but I will mention that I don't think it was very positive. One of my friends at the time even gawked at me and thought I was lucky, but especially as I got older, I began to realize that what happened to me is not really normal, and it had some detrimental effects.
Even if you don't comment, I feel better after putting this into words and getting it off my chest. But if any of you have any thoughts I'd love to hear them, especially the guys. Particularly, whether or not you think what happened to me qualifies as rape. If you've read this far, I just want to say that you have an attention span even better than mine, and thank you.
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