Story I haven't felt this bad in a while

[spiderlily]

When I moved out last month, I thought I would be happier since my family couldn't see me live pathetically anymore. And for weeks, I was doing great. I was sleeping at a normal time--much better than the old sleep-at-8am-wake-up-3pm routine. I was back to making meals, taking care of myself, etc. But the past week and a half everything just felt like I went back in time. I hadn't felt such strong SI in at least a year? There are always periods here and there that I can handle, and it's not like depression disappears, but this familiar, painful feeling of hopelessness and desperation to leave has not been this intense in a while.

I used to be surprised every year that I was still alive and kicking, but to be fair I'm not living for myself. I just keep finding reasons and excuses to live because I don't know what else to do. I'm still here because just as much as I can't bear to live this way, I also can't bear to pass this pain to my family. Mostly my mother, who has been happier in recent years and trying to fix our strained relationship. I also think about how someone I know would feel having to discover my body. Sometimes the little things count too--I have a group project due and I can't ditch my members. You'll get your diploma soon, at least die with a degree, etc.

But these reasons to live also feel like chains of imprisonment. In the past, I would think about dying often. Then I would think "Maybe I'll want to live in the future. Everyone says 'it'll get better.'" Skip to today, and I don't think I've ever felt "wow, I'm so glad to be alive." And this past week, the SI has been particularly intense. My routine was broken--I couldn't move out of bed, I had SN in my cart, I was figuring out lies to get antiemetics, and I compared journal entries from different years only to realize nothing has changed. The only reason I'm doing anything is because I hate myself most when I'm incompetent. Was all my effort for nothing if nothing has changed?

I dragged myself out of the sluggish swamp state to tell a friend. It took me hours to pick up the courage to call, and I delivered it with jokes and smiles: just said straight up "hey, are you in a good enough mood to handle negative stuff? Great, so SI has returned and when I caught myself making a plan I thought I should stop and call someone to hold myself accountable" and they responded well and weren't emotional or pitying. I love my friends and family and I know they care about me. I thought sharing this, something I've never told people irl, would help. And I guess I'm 5% more functional now? But, those "little reasons to live" are feeling heavier than ever. A little voice in the back of my head says I'm being dumb and this will pass, but then my whole being screams "you've been saying that for so long and yet you always return to this state."

Thanks for reading my rant. Any words of advice are appreciated.

 

[whywere]

1st, WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide!! It is just so great to have a new global famiily member. We are a family that loves, cares, has lots of empathy, kindness and support for each other. Again, WELCOME!! 2nd, I am 64 years young with 2 attempts and YES, I have a really good idea where you are coming from, I am the same way. There are times when things are ok, then BAM! and everyhting goes down the drain and "why am I still here?". For me one of the things that I do is hop on this site and get love and support from the family here. Also I, yes I have to fight it, try and tell myself that this is another one of my "episodes" and I have to work through it. On my 2nd attempt I had to fight the court system to NOT get a long term "stay", at least 6 months in a facility. That was ugly, the courts. I am in the U.S. I am sending you all my love, empathy and kindness and support that I have. Please feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk. Walter

 

[Somebody]

I know what you mean. It's hard to find the meaning in doing anything. That nagging question of "Whats the Point" at the back of your mind. I sturggle with procrastination and it's cost me at times. I am still trying to figure it out myself. It's really hard to find motivation when threes not much you can look forward to even if things go your way. I am not going to say that it gets better, but I think it can be managed in a way that it doesn't interfere with your life.

 

[spiderlily]

1st, WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide!! It is just so great to have a new global famiily member. We are a family that loves, cares, has lots of empathy, kindness and support for each other. Again, WELCOME!! 2nd, I am 64 years young with 2 attempts and YES, I have a really good idea where you are coming from, I am the same way. There are times when things are ok, then BAM! and everyhting goes down the drain and "why am I still here?". For me one of the things that I do is hop on this site and get love and support from the family here. Also I, yes I have to fight it, try and tell myself that this is another one of my "episodes" and I have to work through it. On my 2nd attempt I had to fight the court system to NOT get a long term "stay", at least 6 months in a facility. That was ugly, the courts. I am in the U.S. I am sending you all my love, empathy and kindness and support that I have. Please feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk. Walter

Thanks for the warm welcome Walter! And thank you for sharing some of your story. I think posting these chunky text blocks helped organize my thoughts a little. And of course, reading your lovely response hehe.

I know what you mean. It's hard to find the meaning in doing anything. That nagging question of "Whats the Point" at the back of your mind. I sturggle with procrastination and it's cost me at times. I am still trying to figure it out myself. It's really hard to find motivation when threes not much you can look forward to even if things go your way. I am not going to say that it gets better, but I think it can be managed in a way that it doesn't interfere with your life.

Yes, I'm a big procrastinator as well. I definitely don't believe things "get better" anymore. It's really just managing to survive until the next meteor strikes and you have to crawl out of a huge pit again haha. How have you been managing things to not interfere with your routine and responsibilities?