Venting I have zero sense of self worth

[willitpass]

I've never had a healthy sense self-worth, even as a child. But the longer and longer I'm alive the less and less regard I have for my most basic needs. I torture myself because I have no belief that I deserve even the most mild degree of comfort. My methods of torture have changed with time, and for the most part gotten worse. I have refused myself the luxury of drinking water for a few weeks now, I will not even allow myself a sip. I can only drink energy drinks. And I no longer follow drug dosage guidelines. If I am going to take tylenol I will take 2000mg at once. If I'm going to take benadryl, I'll take 300mg. If I'm going to have a vitamin I will have the whole bottle. I know it won't kill me, but I deserve the strain it puts on my body. I deserve even the most mild of suffering.

 

[kwittywhiskerzz!..]

I promise you deserve none of this torture .

 

[Ovid]

I'm sorry

 

[Parnate]

I am so sorry for your suffering.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It sounds like you're punishing yourself for something which I very much doubt was your fault.

I don't really know what to say. Do you want to break those behaviours? Do you worry that one day you will actually incapacitate yourself and you'll need to call on others for help? I have issues with doing that- maybe through lack of self esteem. So, it kind of works in reverse for me. I want to keep relatively healthy so that I can be independent and not have to trouble others.

I imagine that degree of self destructive behaviour does need to be worked through with a therapist or something. Is it something you want to stop or, is it a kind of coping mechanism? I hope you don't take offense at my ignorance. I personally can and have bought in to the deprivation mindset in the past but, not to a potentially dangerous level. It does sound like self harm. Do you know when it began and why?

 

[willitpass]

It sounds like you're punishing yourself for something which I very much doubt was your fault.

I don't really know what to say. Do you want to break those behaviours? Do you worry that one day you will actually incapacitate yourself and you'll need to call on others for help? I have issues with doing that- maybe through lack of self esteem. So, it kind of works in reverse for me. I want to keep relatively healthy so that I can be independent and not have to trouble others.

I imagine that degree of self destructive behaviour does need to be worked through with a therapist or something. Is it something you want to stop or, is it a kind of coping mechanism? I hope you don't take offense at my ignorance. I personally can and have bought in to the deprivation mindset in the past but, not to a potentially dangerous level. It does sound like self harm. Do you know when it began and why?

It's is self harm. And no I don't worry about needing to trouble others with it, because if it ever comes to the point of permanent incapacitation I would either let it kill me without seeking help or ctb. And no I don't plan on going back to therapy. I've been in therapy/treatment since I was 8 and am out of treatment options.

 

[amra81nz]

It's is self harm. And no I don't worry about needing to trouble others with it, because if it ever comes to the point of permanent incapacitation I would either let it kill me without seeking help or ctb. And no I don't plan on going back to therapy. I've been in therapy/treatment since I was 8 and am out of treatment options.

How old are you now?

 

[willitpass]

How old are you now?

In my early 20s.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Hmm, what about letting it out some other way, could you get a punching bag maybe?

 

[willitpass]

Hmm, what about letting it out some other way, could you get a punching bag maybe?

There is nothing I have not tried, I am simply beyond help and my only savior will be ctb. There is no question in my mind about it. My mind is broken beyond repair.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im sorry your suffering this much, i hope it ends soon whatever you decide in the future <3

 

[Hunter2005]

Same having no confidence or self worth in this world sucks big time.

 

[Meteora]

There is nothing I have not tried, I am simply beyond help and my only savior will be ctb. There is no question in my mind about it. My mind is broken beyond repair.

Seems like you talk about me.....