i just came back from the trip that i had been not ctb in order to go on. i promised my partner i would wait until after. as soon as i come back i find out that the insurance through my workplace didn't allow me onto the health insurance plan because i'm taking medication. they did approve me for life insurance though, so i can ctb at least knowing that is taken care of. i had been waiting for 6 months to see if i would be approved, this whole time waiting to do any sort of meaningful mental health treatment because nothing is covered where i am.
i cannot wait any longer to hope that things might get better. i am extremely sick and my brain is deteriorating, i need to do this while i still have control of my body and mind. both feel like they are slipping rapidly from me as time goes on and i am scared of what will happen when i lose it. i already have such little impulse control and have built my whole life around self harm. i dont feel like i have any SI left, and i am scared that if i keep letting myself deteriorate without help i will get past the point where i will be able to still have any control over this and will ctb in a much more horrific way than i would be able to now, either by accident or on purpose. i have tried everything, i have even gone to the hospital waiting room twice for them to deny me because i "wasn't bad enough" (there is a massive doctor shortage in my area as well, so any medical care is extremely scarce as it is), so there really is nowhere for me to go to get help.
i can't live like this anymore. there is nothing left in me to continue on. what can i do tonight, i haven't been able to plan this properly yet. i thought i would get back from my trip and be able to start planning this out more, but i can't keep doing this for another day. how bad is it to jump from a building or off of a tall bridge into the water? i don't know how to drive but could anyone walk me through enough so i could crash a car? i was 99 pounds when i last weighed myself, would i be able to get enough weights to drown myself in the ocean? or any other ideas that i could do. i am begging for help and i need something to help me for once, i need this to end right now
it feels like the timing of everything is a sign. this is all so perfect and it's clear to me that i am ready now
i cannot wait any longer to hope that things might get better. i am extremely sick and my brain is deteriorating, i need to do this while i still have control of my body and mind. both feel like they are slipping rapidly from me as time goes on and i am scared of what will happen when i lose it. i already have such little impulse control and have built my whole life around self harm. i dont feel like i have any SI left, and i am scared that if i keep letting myself deteriorate without help i will get past the point where i will be able to still have any control over this and will ctb in a much more horrific way than i would be able to now, either by accident or on purpose. i have tried everything, i have even gone to the hospital waiting room twice for them to deny me because i "wasn't bad enough" (there is a massive doctor shortage in my area as well, so any medical care is extremely scarce as it is), so there really is nowhere for me to go to get help.
i can't live like this anymore. there is nothing left in me to continue on. what can i do tonight, i haven't been able to plan this properly yet. i thought i would get back from my trip and be able to start planning this out more, but i can't keep doing this for another day. how bad is it to jump from a building or off of a tall bridge into the water? i don't know how to drive but could anyone walk me through enough so i could crash a car? i was 99 pounds when i last weighed myself, would i be able to get enough weights to drown myself in the ocean? or any other ideas that i could do. i am begging for help and i need something to help me for once, i need this to end right now
it feels like the timing of everything is a sign. this is all so perfect and it's clear to me that i am ready now
