Venting I have stupid reasons for not wanting to CTB yet

[mapleboy]

I am so tired... So tired of life, so tired of heartbreak, so tired of loneliness, so tired of hating myself, so tired of bearing the weight of trauma. I have been suicidal since I was 13 years old, I'm 20 now. I have attempted suicide 6 times in the past few years, been in and out of grippy sock jail, been to therapy, been on meds. My life has just gotten worse and worse. It's agonizing to wake up every day only to waste away. I don't want to be on this Earth anymore. It's so painful and demoralizing.

I say all these things, plan out an end method, and then keep postponing it... because I want to play certain games. There are things that I want on those games, but if I CTB successfully, I can't enjoy them. There is music I'm waiting for to be released, but if I CTB, I won't be able to listen to it. It's pretty much just a never-ending cycle that I'm having a very hard time breaking away from. It's so stupid, wanting to die but not going through with those plans just to play games? Just to listen to music?

I've hit rock bottom and I'm going lower with each passing day. I don't understand why I'm not taking action to end everything yet. My brain is all over the place, I'm unsure if what I typed will make sense to anyone. I just feel so stupid. I apologize if I wasted anyone's time with this post.

 

[kurtis]

No not at all, your post was not a waste of time. You can express yourself and tell us how you feel. It's totally okay to feel like that. It makes sense to me. There are things we possibly won't and can't do when it does happen and these are things that we enjoy, so being unaware or indecisive is absolutely fine.

I am sorry you're feeling that way. It isn't the best thing, trauma, but you've got this. It won't feel like it, but there are people who are here for you and most definitely understand.

 

[ruru_241]

if i'm being honest, i'm the exact same, except an extra reason is that i'm staying alive for is for someone else, if they do it.. ; ; + much rather if i was murdered.
nothing you said was a wasted of time, so don't worry! i just hope you be at peace one day, maple.. ; ;

 

[MrDarkness]

Finding reasons to keep living isn't dumb, I feel the same, I'm gonna miss listening to my favourite bands, or play my favourite games, I'm gonna miss waiting for up coming games

 

[Kikoo]

Same. Not the only reason, but one of them.