Hi all.
Just starting this post now, ahead of my planned date so i got time to keep adding/editing.
I am planning to ctb via SN.
Already have room booked so family will not find me.
I will add full story to this at some point, but currently cannot put much words together.
I am father to 16 yo and 10 yo. My partner of 17 years decided to split recently as apparently I was "emotionally abusing" her past few years.
Currently it looks like i am not going to see my kids much, and they are my anchor against ctb.
I cant live without them.
My ex has bpd, depression, anxiety, possible ptsd and she is an alcoholic. She started therapy for all, but iy was her doctors that told her she is being abused by me. I dont know what she told them, but now i am branded.
She went behind my back and applied for housing with both kids. She has help from support worker that is doing all that for her, and I dont even know what is going on. My older one holds her side as she always blamed me for all the arguments in the house - sadly most of them were started by their drunk mother.
Younger one has a problem dealing with this as we told her last friday. She does not want us to split. She made a wish yesterday, which we both know what it is. She is my seed of happines. Light of my life. Without het close i cannot carry on.
i have been battling depression, anxierlty and suicidal ideation all my life. Over recent years i lost all my family ( 4 people in 2 years, including my alcoholic mother and my grandmother that was only person I felt love from). I have only my dad left in another country.
What tipped the scales was that within a week she start backing up on her words regarding many things including kids arrangements. I know that over next few weeks she will screw me over even more. I have no defence, nobody to help me. I ended with crisis team last week but they were useless and told me to man up and gave me contact numbers to get appointments to get help with filling forms.
So i am left alone. Struggling. Would love to go now but cant allow kids to find me.
Im scared of my plan but i am equally scared staying here. If i dont do it with plan, i will end up trying to do it when emotions overflow and then i would set up a failure. I cant fail.
I am now thinking what to write in letters as i have emptiness in my head.
I will keep adding what comes to my mind over next days. I dont even have a solid regiment yet.
I obtained some OTC AE, have loads of propra, some zopiclone. Trying to get some valium from doctors. Planning to do it in hotel, when they will go to anothet city for the whole day - family trip with a friend of older one - 4 ppl going in 5 seat car - i have been told no room for me. That pushed me to make that decision. She is already cutting kids away from me and little one sees it - it will just get worse.
I am typing this waiting for doctor.
I am 105 kg, but since all happend i have been not eating much and loosing weight. So fadting wont be problem anymore. Need to work out plan - any suggestions will be welcome. I plan to get to hotel around 3-4 pm. So will go in town if needed to buy last supplies then if i will miss something. I have ratchet and corn bags too for night night, but dont know how will iy all play out. Room booked for 48h so hopefully if i fail SN maybe i manage other one.
I plan to go to hotel end of next week. Currently in process of sending some stuff to my dad ( he is aware of my plans - it breaks his heart, but he knows how screwed i am now).
Assuming i arrive at 3 pm on the day i can be done in few hours but thinking about wheather to wait for them to come back and find me gone, or do it before they have chance to start calling me. I dont do it for attention - failing will just put me in worse situation. I just cant let go of that last glimmer of hope that my little one will somehiw influence whole situation. My rational brain says its done and dusted, but my heart aches for that last minute change of heart of my ex. Any suggrstions welcomed.
Just starting this post now, ahead of my planned date so i got time to keep adding/editing.
I am planning to ctb via SN.
Already have room booked so family will not find me.
I will add full story to this at some point, but currently cannot put much words together.
I am father to 16 yo and 10 yo. My partner of 17 years decided to split recently as apparently I was "emotionally abusing" her past few years.
Currently it looks like i am not going to see my kids much, and they are my anchor against ctb.
I cant live without them.
My ex has bpd, depression, anxiety, possible ptsd and she is an alcoholic. She started therapy for all, but iy was her doctors that told her she is being abused by me. I dont know what she told them, but now i am branded.
She went behind my back and applied for housing with both kids. She has help from support worker that is doing all that for her, and I dont even know what is going on. My older one holds her side as she always blamed me for all the arguments in the house - sadly most of them were started by their drunk mother.
Younger one has a problem dealing with this as we told her last friday. She does not want us to split. She made a wish yesterday, which we both know what it is. She is my seed of happines. Light of my life. Without het close i cannot carry on.
i have been battling depression, anxierlty and suicidal ideation all my life. Over recent years i lost all my family ( 4 people in 2 years, including my alcoholic mother and my grandmother that was only person I felt love from). I have only my dad left in another country.
What tipped the scales was that within a week she start backing up on her words regarding many things including kids arrangements. I know that over next few weeks she will screw me over even more. I have no defence, nobody to help me. I ended with crisis team last week but they were useless and told me to man up and gave me contact numbers to get appointments to get help with filling forms.
So i am left alone. Struggling. Would love to go now but cant allow kids to find me.
Im scared of my plan but i am equally scared staying here. If i dont do it with plan, i will end up trying to do it when emotions overflow and then i would set up a failure. I cant fail.
I am now thinking what to write in letters as i have emptiness in my head.
I will keep adding what comes to my mind over next days. I dont even have a solid regiment yet.
I obtained some OTC AE, have loads of propra, some zopiclone. Trying to get some valium from doctors. Planning to do it in hotel, when they will go to anothet city for the whole day - family trip with a friend of older one - 4 ppl going in 5 seat car - i have been told no room for me. That pushed me to make that decision. She is already cutting kids away from me and little one sees it - it will just get worse.
I am typing this waiting for doctor.
I am 105 kg, but since all happend i have been not eating much and loosing weight. So fadting wont be problem anymore. Need to work out plan - any suggestions will be welcome. I plan to get to hotel around 3-4 pm. So will go in town if needed to buy last supplies then if i will miss something. I have ratchet and corn bags too for night night, but dont know how will iy all play out. Room booked for 48h so hopefully if i fail SN maybe i manage other one.
I plan to go to hotel end of next week. Currently in process of sending some stuff to my dad ( he is aware of my plans - it breaks his heart, but he knows how screwed i am now).
Assuming i arrive at 3 pm on the day i can be done in few hours but thinking about wheather to wait for them to come back and find me gone, or do it before they have chance to start calling me. I dont do it for attention - failing will just put me in worse situation. I just cant let go of that last glimmer of hope that my little one will somehiw influence whole situation. My rational brain says its done and dusted, but my heart aches for that last minute change of heart of my ex. Any suggrstions welcomed.
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