K-β
endlessly roaming across cyberspace
- Mar 12, 2024
- 41
Its been another few months since I last posted here. I'm in university now and being around other people is nauseating. On one hand I find myself less alienated by the fact that I have many friends (doubly so that they are equally if not more mentally ill than me). However that's not really new. I knew I wasn't uniquely suicidal. As such, when I say "less" I mean that very marginally. At the very least I have somehow managed to stay six months clean of self harm. Which is honestly a miracle to me. I figure part of the reason is likely due to lack of availability to proper resources when I engage in such acts. Simultaneously I find myself too apathetic to purchase them from my local drug store.
I've also figured out a lot about myself since coming here. Notably that I have severe OCD. Which, as I have come to realize, has completely ruined my life and any hope of living normally among human beings and being able to interact with them in any way. Holding a mere conversation plagues me with incessant intrusive thoughts about the person standing in front of me, and cripples my ability to do just about any normal activity that any human can, driving, having a stable job with bearable amounts of frustration.
Last night I compulsively opened my eyes every time I tried to shut them to sleep. This went on so long that I passed out and was immediately woken up afterwards by an alarm. My first exam included a heart palpitation that left me unable to focus my eyes unconsciously for a few hours. I cannot so much as walk down the pathways at my university without looking like a freak, avoiding the cracks as if I'm some kind of child, lest I get flashing images of gore and bodies.
I was raped. My ex-partner raped me and put me at risk for HIV without my knowing when she did it and I cannot get it out of my head at all. I hate the way people stare at me and when they touch me and I despise sex with every fiber of my being. I hate her for ruining my life. I hate wanting to be good looking because now that I do I feel like I'm constantly being punished with the eyes of others. More than ever they look me up and down and stare at me. I can feel men undress me with their eyes, hyper-sexual freaks stroke my thighs and tell me how much they want "dick" like I'm not a woman, or they tell me I'm having sex with my friends and touch me. God I hate when people touch me, I hate their grubby germ infested little hands and their putrid rank smells and their disgusting mouths and the way they look at me when they do it without asking. I hate this constant mental anguish and hyper-vigilance. I hate my ex for abusing me on and off for over two years and wasting away the last few years of my childhood. I live across the hall from my rapist and every day I have to see her in some way shape or form. The closest we've ever gotten to talking was her blowing her cigarette smoke in my face as she walked by. I've even loosely attempted suicide again since I've gotten here, that is to say I've tried to figure out if my belt can hang properly off my lofted bed so that I can hang myself again.
The amazing kicker to it all is that now that I've realized I have OCD my symptoms have somehow gotten worse. Maybe it's coincidental, maybe it has to do with my grandfather dying this Sunday or with the stress of university but I really cannot handle it anymore. I can't go through life like this, and no medication has or seems to work for me, and therapy doesn't seem to work either. This disease is fucking evil and it's killing me slowly. I am on a spiral towards suicide and I don't even know if I'll be able to see myself graduate at this point. It would be so nice to just disappear without any of the weight that holds me here.
I've also figured out a lot about myself since coming here. Notably that I have severe OCD. Which, as I have come to realize, has completely ruined my life and any hope of living normally among human beings and being able to interact with them in any way. Holding a mere conversation plagues me with incessant intrusive thoughts about the person standing in front of me, and cripples my ability to do just about any normal activity that any human can, driving, having a stable job with bearable amounts of frustration.
Last night I compulsively opened my eyes every time I tried to shut them to sleep. This went on so long that I passed out and was immediately woken up afterwards by an alarm. My first exam included a heart palpitation that left me unable to focus my eyes unconsciously for a few hours. I cannot so much as walk down the pathways at my university without looking like a freak, avoiding the cracks as if I'm some kind of child, lest I get flashing images of gore and bodies.
I was raped. My ex-partner raped me and put me at risk for HIV without my knowing when she did it and I cannot get it out of my head at all. I hate the way people stare at me and when they touch me and I despise sex with every fiber of my being. I hate her for ruining my life. I hate wanting to be good looking because now that I do I feel like I'm constantly being punished with the eyes of others. More than ever they look me up and down and stare at me. I can feel men undress me with their eyes, hyper-sexual freaks stroke my thighs and tell me how much they want "dick" like I'm not a woman, or they tell me I'm having sex with my friends and touch me. God I hate when people touch me, I hate their grubby germ infested little hands and their putrid rank smells and their disgusting mouths and the way they look at me when they do it without asking. I hate this constant mental anguish and hyper-vigilance. I hate my ex for abusing me on and off for over two years and wasting away the last few years of my childhood. I live across the hall from my rapist and every day I have to see her in some way shape or form. The closest we've ever gotten to talking was her blowing her cigarette smoke in my face as she walked by. I've even loosely attempted suicide again since I've gotten here, that is to say I've tried to figure out if my belt can hang properly off my lofted bed so that I can hang myself again.
The amazing kicker to it all is that now that I've realized I have OCD my symptoms have somehow gotten worse. Maybe it's coincidental, maybe it has to do with my grandfather dying this Sunday or with the stress of university but I really cannot handle it anymore. I can't go through life like this, and no medication has or seems to work for me, and therapy doesn't seem to work either. This disease is fucking evil and it's killing me slowly. I am on a spiral towards suicide and I don't even know if I'll be able to see myself graduate at this point. It would be so nice to just disappear without any of the weight that holds me here.
