Venting I have nothing. I am nothing.

[Zig]

I have nothing. No noteworthy achievements, no meaningful qualifications, no marketable skills, no particular talents. I am a complete failure. I wasted three years before dropping out of University with nothing whatsoever to show for it. I have less money than I had 5 years ago, without even counting educational debts. I have no friends that I see regularly.

I am nothing. My ego is best described as a disturbance in the air, the vague outline of some ethereal ghost. I have a completely unremarkable below average face and body, and no charisma. I cannot read people or meaningfully communicate with them without becoming paralysed by fear and shame. The only constant of my inner state is a deep, eternally burning resentment for the self, which occasionally flares into paroxysms of seething, indescribable hatred. I have no creative spark, no outlet beyond pathetic reference and repetition. I am not academically gifted or particularly intelligent. I am wholly undisciplined and completely incapable of self-motivation. My only debatable positive trait is a ruthless, uncompromising self-awareness and introspection, which tends towards crippling maladaptivity. I have no dreams, no hopes, no ambitions or aspirations. No direction or purpose, and no particular impetus in searching for one. You would probably dislike me if we met.

I have no sad story or horrible trauma that might be responsible for being like this. I must have simply missed the day when they were handing out personalities and identities. Missed out on a dream, of an ideal person that I should aspire to be. So instead, I simply became nothing.

 

[derpyderpins]

You would probably dislike me if we met.

There are very few people I actually dislike, so I'd be interested to try. (and there's no one on here who I dislike, whoever may be reading ;) ).

It sucks that you feel that way, though. And you may be right. I don't know, as I've never met you. I would guess from how this post is written that you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for, just maybe not in a way that carries you academically. To me, a difficulty reading and communicating in-person suggests something else might be off, but I'm no doctor.

The modern world pressures us so much to have "identity," doesn't it? It's pretty cruel. We all need to be 'the guy who likes sports' or the 'academic savant' or the 'artist' or we have a neurosis that we think makes us interesting or whatever. But really, I see no problem with just being a fine person who is introspective. In fact, being able to understand that you aren't particularly special actually makes you far more special than many snowflakes who think they are super special for no demonstrable reason. If you could let that introspection be a positive - understanding your own flaws can make you more empathetic and understanding of other's troubles - I think you don't really need anything more than that to be someone people would like if they met.

 

[andreamysk]

... but you had the courage to write it - and you wrote it quite effectively, with some almost poetic passages. "Insight May Cause Blindness", wrote Paul Watzlawick (I know, because I too have become blind, like you...)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You're not a failure. University and studying isn't for everyone. I dropped out of uni many decades ago but I still made my life successful for a long time. Unfortunately failed later and I ended up here. Life is often unfair.

 

[Zig]

There are very few people I actually dislike, so I'd be interested to try. (and there's no one on here who I dislike, whoever may be reading ;) ).

It sucks that you feel that way, though. And you may be right. I don't know, as I've never met you. I would guess from how this post is written that you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for, just maybe not in a way that carries you academically. To me, a difficulty reading and communicating in-person suggests something else might be off, but I'm no doctor.

Perhaps you wouldn't dislike me, but I doubt you would like me either. In this case, I have actual evidence instead of pure self-assessment - very rarely has anybody ever sought me out, specifically invited me to anything or gone far out of their way to spend time with me. I have always been on the peripheral of any group, the substitute for if somebody can't make it, the seat filler, the "oh yes, I guess they exist".

The modern world pressures us so much to have "identity," doesn't it? It's pretty cruel. We all need to be 'the guy who likes sports' or the 'academic savant' or the 'artist' or we have a neurosis that we think makes us interesting or whatever. But really, I see no problem with just being a fine person who is introspective. In fact, being able to understand that you aren't particularly special actually makes you far more special than many snowflakes who think they are super special for no demonstrable reason. If you could let that introspection be a positive - understanding your own flaws can make you more empathetic and understanding of other's troubles - I think you don't really need anything more than that to be someone people would like if they met.

Regardless, it is pretty crushing to realise that you are just above average enough to realise how far below truly special you are.

... but you had the courage to write it - and you wrote it quite effectively, with some almost poetic passages. "Insight May Cause Blindness", wrote Paul Watzlawick (I know, because I too have become blind, like you...)

Writing anonymously takes very little courage, especially since it is just the result of a condensation of thoughts over a long period. It would be truly courageous to admit these feelings to a real flesh and blood human, but the possibility of them pitying me and looking at me differently afterwards is too great for me to ever attempt that. Plus, I am far less capable of conveying ideas through speech than in writing.

You're not a failure. University and studying isn't for everyone. I dropped out of uni many decades ago but I still made my life successful for a long time. Unfortunately failed later and I ended up here. Life is often unfair.

It certainly doesn't make me feel like a success, after wasting half my 20s saving up for and subsequently failing University. I know it's not necessarily the end of all things, but it serves as confirmation that no, I can't "do anything if I put my mind to it". In fact, there is very little I AM capable of, mostly because of my lack of will and character.

 

[derpyderpins]

Perhaps you wouldn't dislike me, but I doubt you would like me either. In this case, I have actual evidence instead of pure self-assessment - very rarely has anybody ever sought me out, specifically invited me to anything or gone far out of their way to spend time with me. I have always been on the peripheral of any group, the substitute for if somebody can't make it, the seat filler, the "oh yes, I guess they exist".

Man, I relate, really: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-outsider-feeling.170109/

The thing is, I have a wonderfull soon-to-be wife and a good job now, but I was still feeling the ripples of that at a work event just a couple months ago (explained in that post). I've been conditioned to feel like I'm on the outside and unwanted. I thought I could already tell that everyone in that office thought of me as the weirdo. Then, they just brought me in yesterday and gave me a raise, so I guess that was ill-founded. That stuff sticks with you, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

Regardless, it is pretty crushing to realise that you are just above average enough to realise how far below truly special you are.

Yeah. . . again, I relate, but can't fix it. I was just talking to a friend about how I still get annoyed when I hear a really damn good music track because I know my stuff doesn't measure up. I should just be happy it exists, but it still bugs me.

The thing is, the only way past it is to accept not being truly special, and realize how very very few people actually fit that category. It's a bell curve. If you're slightly above average and someone else is pretty far above average, in the grand scheme of things you're both just within a couple standard deviations of normal. I know it's not comforting, but it's a hurdle to get past to realize there is more than just being the top in the measurable ways.

 

[i dont feel real.]

Aren't we all? At the end, we all die. If you say about being successful. I am a shit too. I have nothing that makes me a worthy person.

 

[newave3]

2 observations if I may. 1: This world is mostly populated by blobs of nothingness, myself included.

2: You write and express yourself extremely well. Most of us blobs do not.

 

[sos]

if you could achieve three things in life within the next five years

what would they be

must be realistic

i'm sure that you can think of something

only reply if you've got three answers for me

thanks!!

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Not surprising in this new world idiocracy that only rewards the most useless people for doing the most useless things.

Even if you were to finish university and acquire an essential profession that is crucial for a functioning and infrastructurally-sound society, you'd still be shat on and insulted with a barely livable wage, struggling to pay rent because the greedy corporations of the world have achieved a monopoly on housing. All while having to see little asshole morons on the internet lounging around mansions in their underwear getting paid millions to play video games. While the poor, unattended children of the world watch them.

This world has gone mad. Society and human existence is useless and sad.

We should all have the right to off ourselves in a peaceful and painless for this reason. It's pure torture.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

There are very few people I actually dislike, so I'd be interested to try. (and there's no one on here who I dislike, whoever may be reading ;) ).

It sucks that you feel that way, though. And you may be right. I don't know, as I've never met you. I would guess from how this post is written that you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for, just maybe not in a way that carries you academically. To me, a difficulty reading and communicating in-person suggests something else might be off, but I'm no doctor.

The modern world pressures us so much to have "identity," doesn't it? It's pretty cruel. We all need to be 'the guy who likes sports' or the 'academic savant' or the 'artist' or we have a neurosis that we think makes us interesting or whatever. But really, I see no problem with just being a fine person who is introspective. In fact, being able to understand that you aren't particularly special actually makes you far more special than many snowflakes who think they are super special for no demonstrable reason. If you could let that introspection be a positive - understanding your own flaws can make you more empathetic and understanding of other's troubles - I think you don't really need anything more than that to be someone people would like if they met.

Leave it to Positive Peter to make something out of a post claiming nothingness smh...

Also thanks for not "disliking" me... as I virtually dislike everyone!

2 observations if I may. 1: This world is mostly populated by blobs of nothingness, myself included.

2: You write and express yourself extremely well. Most of us blobs do not.

*blobs*

 

[Zig]

Man, I relate, really: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-outsider-feeling.170109/

Wow, yeah, that's pretty much exactly the feeling I described. It really has discouraged me from even trying to make new friends, when that exact scenario has played out in my life multiple times. The absolute, most sickening time was in my late teens and early twenties, when I was "the driver". Being kept around solely for one of your possessions will deeply affect you. Great thread by the way.

2 observations if I may. 1: This world is mostly populated by blobs of nothingness, myself included.

2: You write and express yourself extremely well. Most of us blobs do not.

Thanks, I suppose. I have long periods in which to organise my thoughts, but unfortunately it doesn't translate into communicating well in person at all.

Not surprising in this new world idiocracy that only rewards the most useless people for doing the most useless things.

Even if you were to finish university and acquire an essential profession that is crucial for a functioning and infrastructurally-sound society, you'd still be shat on and insulted with a barely livable wage, struggling to pay rent because the greedy corporations of the world have achieved a monopoly on housing. All while having to see little asshole morons on the internet lounging around mansions in their underwear getting paid millions to play video games. While the poor, unattended children of the world watch them.

This world has gone mad. Society and human existence is useless and sad.

We should all have the right to off ourselves in a peaceful and painless for this reason. It's pure torture.

I don't disagree. I have a lot of contempt for the structure of the world at large, although by far the greater portion of resentment is reserved for myself. The worst part is I'm still terrified of being dead. I would just prefer to fade away into obscurity until the world forgets my name forever.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I have nothing. No noteworthy achievements, no meaningful qualifications, no marketable skills, no particular talents. I am a complete failure. I wasted three years before dropping out of University with nothing whatsoever to show for it. I have less money than I had 5 years ago, without even counting educational debts. I have no friends that I see regularly.

I am nothing. My ego is best described as a disturbance in the air, the vague outline of some ethereal ghost. I have a completely unremarkable below average face and body, and no charisma. I cannot read people or meaningfully communicate with them without becoming paralysed by fear and shame. The only constant of my inner state is a deep, eternally burning resentment for the self, which occasionally flares into paroxysms of seething, indescribable hatred. I have no creative spark, no outlet beyond pathetic reference and repetition. I am not academically gifted or particularly intelligent. I am wholly undisciplined and completely incapable of self-motivation. My only debatable positive trait is a ruthless, uncompromising self-awareness and introspection, which tends towards crippling maladaptivity. I have no dreams, no hopes, no ambitions or aspirations. No direction or purpose, and no particular impetus in searching for one. You would probably dislike me if we met.

I have no sad story or horrible trauma that might be responsible for being like this. I must have simply missed the day when they were handing out personalities and identities. Missed out on a dream, of an ideal person that I should aspire to be. So instead, I simply became nothing.

I just want to tell you this from the bottom of my heart... Regardless if you hate yourself or CTB,
you are enough as you are. I've been a boring person before. Honestly human beings are freaking boring in general. I do sincerely hope you learn to love yourself because you're worth it.