Venting I have nothing and nobody 😃

[eythan]

I've been getting worse and worse lately. Just staying up late thinking about dying, googling how to do it...
My former therapist once told me that my extreme stress and anxiety manifest in the form of suicidal ideation. Maybe she's right. But then again she also told me that I wasn't trans because I told her I would still ctb even after transitioning. She also told me thar she believes that I'm saying I want to ctb in order to manipulate her and my family. So I don't want to just take her word for it yk? I've recently started university, so that might be the source of the extreme stress?
The problem is I feel like I have no choice in what to do. I can't keep living, because every day is horrible and I can't ctb because I'm waiting for my dog to die. I can't move out because I don't have the money for it and I can't keep living with my parents because they constantly misgender and disrespect me. I have to wait to be prescribed testosterone and I have to wait even longer for the government to approve my name change. I was forced to introduce myself using my deadname and my classmates immediately started misgendering me. And I don't have the balls (literally) to tell them otherwise just like I don't have the balls ctb. Idk, this whole thing just sent me over the edge especially because I have nobody to talk to ever since I graduated high school. I have no one and I just have to live in the limbo state of waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually dead and have been in hell this whole time. But it's getting so much harder to believe that the universe isn't actively torturing me but is instead cold and random, I've just been having the worst luck.
I'm so sorry for the paragraph, also I'm sorry if this post doesn't belong here, I just have no one else to talk to...

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly don't believe there is a deeper meaning or purpose to why people suffer so much, existence is just too cruel and it's dreadful how people have to suffer all through no fault of their own, existence certainly is so hellish. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

She also told me thar she believes that I'm saying I want to ctb in order to manipulate her and my family.

To me it sounded like she was gaslighting you.

I've recently started university, so that might be the source of the extreme stress?

That sounds likely yes.

And this:

and I can't keep living with my parents because they constantly misgender and disrespect me

 

[eternal.peace]

She also told me thar she believes that I'm saying I want to ctb in order to manipulate her and my family.

Okay first of all, this is so incredibly invalidating and I am so sorry that your therapist of all people said this to you. That is not the response you deserved, especially from a mental health professional. You deserve to be seen and validated for the person that you are, and it frustrates me that you received this response from your therapist knowing how much more damaging it could be to your mental health. People don't say they're trans to manipulate others. Trans people are people, and deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, and support just like any other human being.

Extreme stress and anxiety can manifest as suicidal ideations for some. It sounds like you have a significant amount of stress and anxiety--and I would argue trauma due to being invalidated for being trans and not having the support you deserve. I can only imagine how difficult things must be for you, and it makes so much sense to me you would be feeling so low.

You mentioned being at state university (which I can understand is likely adding to stress). It does make me curious though, are there any resources there for trans folks? Such as support groups or anything? If that's something you want and would be open to of course. It just seems like you're not getting support or validation from anyone in your life right now, you so much deserve that.