Venting I have no options. I feel trapped.

[telro]

I feel so lost. I'm planning to CTB soon, but the thought of leaving my parents with only a letter haunts me. I can't do that to them, I feel horrible. I feel morally repugnant. I also just don't see a way how I can keep living, when sentience has been hurting me every single day for so many years. The only thing I can think of that could reduce the pain of CTBing is somehow convincing my parents that CTB is the best option for me, but I don't live in a fantasy world where CTBing is accepted. I can't live, I can't die.

I'm just so endlessly tired of it all. I'm stuck.

I guess this is another reason to legalize suicide for those who need it. At least then I can make a decision and set a date and spend the rest of my days with people I love so that my death would not impact them as much as an unexpected surprise. Putting my goodbyes in a letter, rather than telling them face-to-face feels horrible.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I feel you on that. I wish I could do it openly. Being forced to do it in the shadows helps no one.

Would you like to share a little more about what it is that is causing you such deep pain?

 

[The anhedonic one]

There will come a time when even the thought of hurting loved ones won't stop you from CTB.
When you have truly reached the bottom of the pit of despair, then nothing will hold you back.

 

[aprilunderstandsnow]

There will come a time when even the thought of hurting loved ones won't stop you from CTB.
When you have truly reached the bottom of the pit of despair, then nothing will hold you back.

Me right now

 

[Slipkorn]

I feel you on all accounts. The best you can do is assure them that its not their fault and the decision was your own doing. As for morality, that's just a human construct, and depends on what culture you're in. In Japan, suicide is expected if you become a burden on society. In America it's damn near criminal to even think about it.

Just do what seems best for you. No one else lives in your body.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Me right now

Oh man !
Tell me about it !
I'm a fucking wreck today.
Adrenal fatigue, not eaten for days, only slept 5 hours in past 2 days.
My head feels fucked.
Seriously fucked.
Hanging on by a thread .
Losing my shit
So sorry you are in this place too friend.
It's fucking frightening .
I hope you feel a bit better soon.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

For all of us it would be the best if we can talk especially with our loved ones about our deepest desires to end our suffering and agony we have to endure. Not being able to talk with our loved ones, who we don't want to hurt, about such important stuff, is causing even more pain. I feel also trapped, somehow like you because I know that my situation isn't gonna change rather it'll becoming worse the longer I wait, Only CTB is my solution and it would be the best for everyone, but I also cannot talk about it with my loved ones to prepare them for the inevitable. And actually this stops me from CTBing, right now.

 

[aprilunderstandsnow]

Oh man !
Tell me about it !
I'm a fucking wreck today.
Adrenal fatigue, not eaten for days, only slept 5 hours in past 2 days.
My head feels fucked.
Seriously fucked.
Hanging on by a thread .
Losing my shit
So sorry you are in this place too friend.
It's fucking frightening .
I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Very frightening, can't sleep, think about the same despair in dreams, so sad waking up

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I feel so lost. I'm planning to CTB soon, but the thought of leaving my parents with only a letter haunts me. I can't do that to them, I feel horrible. I feel morally repugnant. I also just don't see a way how I can keep living, when sentience has been hurting me every single day for so many years. The only thing I can think of that could reduce the pain of CTBing is somehow convincing my parents that CTB is the best option for me, but I don't live in a fantasy world where CTBing is accepted. I can't live, I can't die.

I'm just so endlessly tired of it all. I'm stuck.

I guess this is another reason to legalize suicide for those who need it. At least then I can make a decision and set a date and spend the rest of my days with people I love so that my death would not impact them as much as an unexpected surprise. Putting my goodbyes in a letter, rather than telling them face-to-face feels horrible.

Hello @telro,
Feeling trapped is terrible;
You see a gaping abyss and feel so low.
It's simply unbearable.

I'm trapped here, too.
And I really wish I had an option of physician assisted suicide.
But for now we don't see any breakthrough,
Now I can do nothing but staying by your side.

The idea of eternal slumber has helped me much.
Because of it, I've survived life's worst weather.
But if you had no way out, you would lose an psychological crutch.
Do we have to suffer here together?

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
You are far more virtuous than me - I didn't care about my loved ones when I attempted back in 2014.
I was totally obsessed with my own torment.
Do you have any alternative to CTBing?

I pray for you - I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[The anhedonic one]

Very frightening, can't sleep, think about the same despair in dreams, so sad waking up

Fuck yes, I hate the mornings. I get that dreadful butterflies in my stomach sensation and feeling fearful. Can't sleep more than a few minutes before waking up again. Nervous wreck all the time. Nightmares too. It's brutal my friend, fucking brutal. I hope you manage to get some respite from this soon.

 

[telro]

Would you like to share a little more about what it is that is causing you such deep pain?

Sentience. Being aware of my own existence.

There will come a time when even the thought of hurting loved ones won't stop you from CTB.
When you have truly reached the bottom of the pit of despair, then nothing will hold you back.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I may be at this point. I'm not even sure if the alternative option of my parents watching their child deteriorate over the years is a pleasant experience either. Everything is a lose-lose situation. My parents will be in pain no matter what route I take, it's a horrible trap. It would have been better had I not been born to experience this pain and to cause all this pain to other people.

 

[Jezzibell]

I've got no advice for you. My situation is different. I'm alone. What I can relate to is the traumatic dilemma of wanting something so much, but experience turmoil for whatever reason.

I wouldn't bank on legal suicide anytime in the near future. Its a long way away.

I also think this would be very much worse for your parents. They will be distraught all the time whilst waiting for that date to come. They will grieve twice - once when you tell them, and again after death. This is a much worse option for your parents and you.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Sentience. Being aware of my own existence.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I may be at this point. I'm not even sure if the alternative option of my parents watching their child deteriorate over the years is a pleasant experience either. Everything is a lose-lose situation. My parents will be in pain no matter what route I take, it's a horrible trap. It would have been better had I not been born to experience this pain and to cause all this pain to other people.

So sorry you are going through this. Everything is against us in this horrid world. No matter what we do, we are always being set up for pain in one form or another.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really do understand that it's so horrible and tiring feeling trapped here, it's true that existence in itself is the ultimate problem, there really is no real relief from suffering in this nightmarish world. I wish there was an option to just erase our existence and completely disappear where everything associated with existing is finally forgotten about, having the ability to exist here certainly is such a cruel punishment.

 

[BleedingHeartofPain]

There will come a time when even the thought of hurting loved ones won't stop you from CTB.
When you have truly reached the bottom of the pit of despair, then nothing will hold you back.

This is where I'm at. I also know that my disinterest in everything has to be impacting everyone around me. Well like the 2-3 people who I am around occasionally. I realized that Monday is the birthday of someone I loved, but it absolutely has to be Monday because I won't get another chance to be alone long enough to get it done.