Venting I have no more support systems and I just really need to get this out

[OldGod]

So many things have happened. I think to myself "when did it all go wrong?" and I keep going back further and further. There were some good moments that I will always cherish but so much of it was so fucked up.

I grew up and I've seen and been through so much that I wish never happened. Being abused by my mother, seeing my mother be abused by her boyfriends, being neglected, being threatened, being scared all the time, being hungry, being poor, seeing drugs, seeing death. My mom used to get drunk and tell me she just wanted to "go to heaven" and I would say "you can" and she'd say "I mean right now". She would tell me that when you grow up you don't have friends, you have people in your life but they don't mean anything. My father told me that people are monsters. My grandmother told me our family is cursed and everyone we love will die. All these things have stuck with me.

A few years ago one of my best friends hung themselves in my house and I had to cut him down and see his body laying on my bathroom floor. Me, my sister, our other friends, we all got high that day. We had to. Last year in January my absolute best friend shot himself in the head. I carried his coffin. I feel guilty for both deaths because I was able to stop them but I didn't. I'll always feel guilty. The past couple of years I've been falling out with all of my friends. I'm not sure why. They always hang out together but I never seem to be included anymore. Maybe once in a while. I see them together on Facebook a lot and it hurts and I wonder what went wrong.

I've been in a cycle where I get into a relationship every year, it goes sour, I get cheated on or abused or some awful shit just happens and it completely destroys me. I get suicidal, I start numbing the pain with sex and alcohol and usually I end up in the hospital. Then I meet another girl and I think "this time will be different" and the same thing happens and everything repeats itself.

All these things, I don't want to experience anymore. There are so many things that I want out of life. There's times where I think "I could meet new friends" or "you'll meet a better girl who won't abandon you when your mental illness flares up" or "once you both work on yourselves, she'll come back and she'll miss you" or "you friends are just busy, they still like you" but those hopes never seem to have any truth to them. The issue is that it's always a different situation or a different person and I say "It's different this time so you don't truly know if it will work out or not. Just wait and see" and I end up tricking myself into staying here a while longer. I want to die but I don't want to die if there actually is hope, but I have no way of knowing if there is and it eats me up inside. I could waste even more years of my life waiting for something good to come and nothing will and I would end up more hurt. It hurts me to think that I could kill myself and maybe the thoughts I'm thinking aren't the way things are and things could've been good but I just destroyed any and all hope of that because I decided to kill myself. Then I will be forgotten. I keep going back and forth constantly. There's no answers and I don't know what to do. It's driving me crazy.

 

[Csmith8827]

I dunno. I read your story. Alot of that does sound fucked up. I had a close relationship with my mother growing up as well but not so much anymore. She backstabbed the fuck out of me and I just saw things In her that I didn't like. She still does things for me though. She paid for the hotel room I'm in now...I've been homeless for years. Dude if you're not on the street that's something positive right there. Just try to find something you enjoy in life. I'm a bad alcoholic, it's almost as if I don't have a choice. I'm sorry you've seen so much fucked up shit and been through so much fucked up shit but your not alone or a stranger there. Alot of us have been. I hope you find the answer or solution. Until then SS is here for you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That is a messed up story. I'm sorry you had to witness all that. Relationships are so tough. I've never had one that worked in the long run and I guess that's my fault. I think maybe I was looking for the wrong things. I spend my time second guessing 'what if I'd done it differently.' Maybe things would have been different. Maybe they wouldn't. Hindsight is pointless, as is guilt, whether it's misplaced or not. You can only do what you can at the time and live with it, good or bad. It's not like you have any other options.
None of us know if the hope we feel is real or is delusion. That's the nature of it. Like faith. It's something you choose. If you are looking for solid answers then you'll be disappointed. Once you realise how absurd it all is, there can be hope in that for some.

 

[Searchinghope]

I am sorry it has been so bad for you, we are all here searching for hope and I hope it will be better for you in future. Hang in there, stay. till then we are here for you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You may or may not have had the power to stop your friends from ctb'ing at that time, but I doubt you had the power to change the circumstances that led them to making that choice. I think you're owning more than is possible for you to own.

I'd like to recommend the book Boundaries to you. It addresses things like inappropriate ownership and guilt. It addresses the boundary issues that are inherent in BPD, based on my experience with others who had BPD. No judgment about BPD btw, it's a stupid label and an inherently demeaning diagnosis in the DSM that irl just means maladaptive coping skills based on repeated childhood traumas, that is, having had one's boundaries repeatedly messed with during development, which you definitely had with your family.

If you're interested in more sources to help with boundaries, here's a link to some books that made a huge difference for me in decades of healing.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

I get the sense that you will also potentially beat yourself up if you recognize that you cross or have crossed others' boundaries. To that I would say two things. First, from Boundaries, it is difficult to heal in a place of comdemnation. Second, we cannot know what we don't yet know, and we cannot effectively change without the tools to do so, therefore, move forward; you can wallow in the past or you can move forward having improved and knowing that there are at least some errors you won't make again.

I also highly recommend The Dialectical Behavioral Skills Workbook. I got way more out of it than the original protocol in DBT group therapy.

If none of what I've said or offered here helps or is of interest, no biggie. :)

 

[OldGod]

There's a lot of good lengthy responses here that I wasn't expecting. Thank you.

Truth be told I'm pretty stubborn and willful when it comes to my feelings so I still feel pretty inconsolable.

I'm tired of letting go. If that's what life is then I don't want it. Especially if I have to do it so frequently. I just woke up and even last night I was dreaming of the things I lost. And in the moment it felt so good and I felt happy and then I wake up and it isn't real anymore and I'm still here in reality. I still don't know what to do.

 

[bpdandme]

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, that was so heartbreaking to read. I understand you feel guilt but it is truly not your fault. Despite the circumstances you were born into and which you have no control over, you seem to have turned out a good person.

I hope you find happiness.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There's a lot of good lengthy responses here that I wasn't expecting. Thank you.

Truth be told I'm pretty stubborn and willful when it comes to my feelings so I still feel pretty inconsolable.

I'm tired of letting go. If that's what life is then I don't want it. Especially if I have to do it so frequently. I just woke up and even last night I was dreaming of the things I lost. And in the moment it felt so good and I felt happy and then I wake up and it isn't real anymore and I'm still here in reality. I still don't know what to do.

An honest response here.

Your comment sounds so much like it stems from BPD and substance abuse coping mechanisms. It is a difficult journey you are on and, in my opinion and experience, can push you to several outcomes.

One, of course, is giving up.

Another is that you continue to lose your support systems and have to walk alone for a while, motivated to seek new methods and support because you recognize you are in cycles that lead to the same outcomes and are motivated to break them. It takes great inner strength, desire, and brave ingenuity to seek out new ways. Because of the stubbornness, you may reject what is offered to you and only recognize its value if you seek and find it yourself. I support you in that.

The best way for me to support you is to vocally recognize your capability, inherent strength and intelligence, then step back and allow you to fly or fall (and potentially recover to fly some more) on your own. That way I won't get caught up in your story that I am powerless to change, but remain able to maintain the patient but compassionately detached trust that you can do it, in unexpected and amazing ways, and remain able to always and sincerely wish you well.

 

[OldGod]

I'm going to add something else here too, one of the things that's been on my mind the most.

The girl I was seeing, she got the feeling that I wanted to kill myself because even though she had been lurking on my social media profile (she had unfriended me a while ago) and thought I seemed like I was going in that direction. We chatted for a little for the first time in about three weeks and she said I need support and that she sorry I feel so low and that she hopes I get better. She told me that I need serious help. Then she said "goodbye and goodluck". Blocked me on everything. So that really stings.

 

[Final Escape]

Sounds like bpd as someone else mentioned. I've had same thing happen to all my relationships. Imagine u are still repeating these painful endings and new beginnings with the opposite sex even at an old age like 43 lol! I relate to the similar shitty childhood, but I never saw any suicides or knew anyone really well who had. That must have been traumatic.

I'm going to add something else here too, one of the things that's been on my mind the most.

The girl I was seeing, she got the feeling that I wanted to kill myself because even though she had been lurking on my social media profile (she had unfriended me a while ago) and thought I seemed like I was going in that direction. We chatted for a little for the first time in about three weeks and she said I need support and that she sorry I feel so low and that she hopes I get better. She told me that I need serious help. Then she said "goodbye and goodluck". Blocked me on everything. So that really stings.

Worst thing u can do to someone with bpd is what u described

 

[defeated]

So many things have happened. I think to myself "when did it all go wrong?" and I keep going back further and further. There were some good moments that I will always cherish but so much of it was so fucked up.

I grew up and I've seen and been through so much that I wish never happened. Being abused by my mother, seeing my mother be abused by her boyfriends, being neglected, being threatened, being scared all the time, being hungry, being poor, seeing drugs, seeing death. My mom used to get drunk and tell me she just wanted to "go to heaven" and I would say "you can" and she'd say "I mean right now". She would tell me that when you grow up you don't have friends, you have people in your life but they don't mean anything. My father told me that people are monsters. My grandmother told me our family is cursed and everyone we love will die. All these things have stuck with me.

A few years ago one of my best friends hung themselves in my house and I had to cut him down and see his body laying on my bathroom floor. Me, my sister, our other friends, we all got high that day. We had to. Last year in January my absolute best friend shot himself in the head. I carried his coffin. I feel guilty for both deaths because I was able to stop them but I didn't. I'll always feel guilty. The past couple of years I've been falling out with all of my friends. I'm not sure why. They always hang out together but I never seem to be included anymore. Maybe once in a while. I see them together on Facebook a lot and it hurts and I wonder what went wrong.

I've been in a cycle where I get into a relationship every year, it goes sour, I get cheated on or abused or some awful shit just happens and it completely destroys me. I get suicidal, I start numbing the pain with sex and alcohol and usually I end up in the hospital. Then I meet another girl and I think "this time will be different" and the same thing happens and everything repeats itself.

All these things, I don't want to experience anymore. There are so many things that I want out of life. There's times where I think "I could meet new friends" or "you'll meet a better girl who won't abandon you when your mental illness flares up" or "once you both work on yourselves, she'll come back and she'll miss you" or "you friends are just busy, they still like you" but those hopes never seem to have any truth to them. The issue is that it's always a different situation or a different person and I say "It's different this time so you don't truly know if it will work out or not. Just wait and see" and I end up tricking myself into staying here a while longer. I want to die but I don't want to die if there actually is hope, but I have no way of knowing if there is and it eats me up inside. I could waste even more years of my life waiting for something good to come and nothing will and I would end up more hurt. It hurts me to think that I could kill myself and maybe the thoughts I'm thinking aren't the way things are and things could've been good but I just destroyed any and all hope of that because I decided to kill myself. Then I will be forgotten. I keep going back and forth constantly. There's no answers and I don't know what to do. It's driving me crazy.

You're getting laid?