I have messed up so badly and I hate myself so much

[FireFox]

I have already shared on here how I having been struggling to get over a guy I really liked i known him throughout this year and over the summer we began to bond more til it feel apart. Ever since starting university I miss even more as the months go by. He is such a cool guy and he had things I want in a man ie travels a lot, funny, intelligent and I can have long and interesting conversations about politics and all kinds of things and we bonded over our love of CBD products. The guy is in his 30s. More and more I feel like I am never going to click with another man. I really wanted him so much. The guy has a lot of issues and insecurities, and have toxic behaviours ie Slient treatment, poor communication skills, over analysing my actions and words, I felt like I was being profiled at times. It wasn't healthy at times
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...nt-win-anymore-with-guys.183907/#post-2722555

Summer with him was really great until it all went wrong ( Long story). We parted ways amicably and I decided to stop visiting the CBD store he works in and area he lives because that's were we met and had our fun over the summer. I have been going to university events, talking to guys at the university law postgradute school but still I can't click with anyone the way I clicked with him and guys at university don't click with me either. Evenings have been hard because I missed all our evening conversations we had with him.

I have been off university for this week due to university half term break and these feelings intensified even more yesterday Tuesday I left my house and decided to the CBD shop to see him. He looked so happy to see me and I thanked him because meeting him helped me get over the 55 year old man I was in love with and back to my old self which is true.

I did a stupid thing. I took a random picture of him, he saw and I denied it. I ended it up deleting the picture as I regretted taking it. He messages me later that evening asking why I took it. I just said it was a random thing i wasn't thinking properly and told him I deleted it because I regretted taking it.

We spoke about why things went wrong. The man said my religious beliefs where the reason I am not compatible with him. He is Anti Thiest whereas I am practicing Catholic but I am very respectful of people's beliefs. The man told me he finds me attractive and doesn't want me to "feel bad". I asked him does he feel bad for rejecting me he answered
" feel a bit bad because I don't want you to think I rejected you ." I told him he did reject me because I wanted to take things further but he didn't want too. I learnt the man insecure all the times I told him I found him attractive he didn't believe me because he doesn't see himself as attractive.

I then fucked up telling him the truth the next day. I said I took tne random photo for 2 reasons. My grandmother always wondered what he looked like and couldn't understand why I am struggling to get over him and part of me is afraid of forgetting him so when I was in the shop I just took picture really without thinking,

I told him what my grandmother thinks of him. My grandmother thinks "he needs to shave and doesn't wash himself " and can't understand why I am upset over a man who "sells CBD, doesn't like people going to church and doesn't shave"

He loses his temper with me and accuses me of "insulting his appearance" and "trying to score brownie points". I told him I love his appearance my family don't and I defended him to my family. He just lost his temperature even I told him I just showec my grandmother in person the picture and deleted it minutes later.

He now fucking hates me. Had I stuck to my non contact rules none of this would have happened. I know i have fucked up major time, its all my fault and I am stupid
I have really fucked up I just can't stop crying. I hate having anxiety I feel like it's the end of world . I am the worst person ever.

 

[FireFox]

I have fucked up major time, its all my fault and I am stupid
I have really fucked up I just can't stop crying. I hate having anxiety I feel like it's the end of world . I am the worst person ever.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Honestly, good riddenance. Based on what you have said before about the guy, there were a lot of red flags waving all around him. I understand that you are upset about this and that you've been having trouble with connecting with other guys but I'm sure that you'll find someone else who is good for you. It takes time to find people you happen to click with and sometimes it can come about unexpectedly. At the end of the day, someone who gets this mad at you for something you aren't even guilty of is the type of person you don't want in your life.

 

[FireFox]

Honestly, good riddenance. Based on what you have said before about the guy, there were a lot of red flags waving all around him. I understand that you are upset about this and that you've been having trouble with connecting with other guys but I'm sure that you'll find someone else who is good for you. It takes time to find people you happen to click with and sometimes it can come about unexpectedly. At the end of the day, someone who gets this mad at you for something you aren't even guilty of is the type of person you don't want in your life.

@EvisceratedJester it's so werid because in person he is softly spoken and calm when we interact so i find it hard at times to see him as toxic and troubled. I have never seen a man like him behave this way. I am used to men being directly rude to me but he is just different in how he behaves.

He complains I am hard to read but with him I find him a mystery, someone I can't figure you out. After he did the silent treatment which caused me to beg him for forgiveness I now realise he knew I was going to come running back to him. He was so calm and relaxed seeing me breaking down infront of them due to distress he caused me. Only rescently I pieced it together.

Meeting him on Wednesday after a long time not much in his life has not changed he is still single and unsuccessful with women and living the same life.

● I told him i wish his more honest when he said he doesnt find me dominant the evidence was there he was not being honest. He said to my face he finds doesn't find me dominant but believes I am "pushy". I did apologise to him for being too much in organising potential future dates during the summer we had till it went wrong and I apologised for not making him feel like a "real man"

When we started messaging in the evening he said " you send mixed signals I don't know whether you are looking at me in administration or want to have sex with me with a laughing emoji.

I confronted him over the comments he made about my height because I was so hurt. He said it was never intended to "offend me" and he was just worried when it came to sex him being a bigger man things would be awkward in the bedroom.. I used the evening night to explain all the things he did to hurt me during the summer we had.

He kept acting like he didn't even reject me even though he did that was the most disturbing part .

There is something about him sometimes he a mix of arrogance, benevolence, humour and I just can't tell. I feel like I am always in the wrong. My grandmother thinks he is a POS who would have gone on to abuse me had things progressed between us.

 

[wren-briar]

My grandmother thinks "he needs to shave and doesn't wash himself " and can't understand why I am upset over a man who "sells CBD, doesn't like people going to church and doesn't shave"

Some people find men with stubble or a beard attractive, so there's nothing inherently bad about that.

I'm a wee bit curious why, based solely on a photo, she thought he needed to wash himself.

So, I can't say that I really agree with your grandmother on these points.

Someone who is an atheist or agnostic may -and it sounds like, in y'alls case, did- have a problem dating someone who goes to church. If you wanted to continue going to church, and he was okay with that, I would still expect that mismatch alone would likely cause problems.

So, I can't say that I really disagree with your grandmother on this point.

My grandmother thinks he is a POS who would have gone on to abuse me had things progressed between us.

Based on the way you described his reaction to the photo, I'm with your grandmother on this!