Venting I have made the conclusion that there will be no perfect moment.

[Soylent]

What the point of writing letters, make arrangement. Searching the perfect time (hours, weathers and all) and location … I'm a perfectionist, but it will never be perfect. Death is ugly, it's a mess …

If you have read my story I don't find joy in life anymore. Yesterday I wanted to do it but the location is far from home and I was tired of my first day at the new job I got so I cook something and took some anti anxiety drug to sleep.

Tonight after work I will go directly to the place, make the 4hours trip and just jump because I don't see any joy in the futur for me. I hate the way I am, the way I look, the way things turn off from me in a span of 8 months due to medical condition.

What a fucking waste … I used to have so much to offer : love / energy / strength. Now I'm a mess. I'm a ball of hanger and don't want to see what the futur hold for me, it will be a shit show anyway.

I hope to have the strength to do it.

I really hope. I think to just park the car and jump, no thinking, no looking at the view, nothing to turn me down and make me think about family, hope, and pain.

Just do it ffs …

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. There's never the perfect moment for anything only you can know and feel when it's the right time. I wish you all the best with your plan, hope you find peace safe travels and good luck!

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly understandable wishing to escape from all future suffering, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[doomdoll]

I'm sorry you feel so torn with everything happening to you now. It's not easy, not even a little. I truly hope you are able to grant yourself grace in whatever you do

 

[leavingsoon99]

What the point of writing letters, make arrangement. Searching the perfect time (hours, weathers and all) and location … I'm a perfectionist, but it will never be perfect. Death is ugly, it's a mess …

If you have read my story I don't find joy in life anymore. Yesterday I wanted to do it but the location is far from home and I was tired of my first day at the new job I got so I cook something and took some anti anxiety drug to sleep.

Tonight after work I will go directly to the place, make the 4hours trip and just jump because I don't see any joy in the futur for me. I hate the way I am, the way I look, the way things turn off from me in a span of 8 months due to medical condition.

What a fucking waste … I used to have so much to offer : love / energy / strength. Now I'm a mess. I'm a ball of hanger and don't want to see what the futur hold for me, it will be a shit show anyway.

I hope to have the strength to do it.

I really hope. I think to just park the car and jump, no thinking, no looking at the view, nothing to turn me down and make me think about family, hope, and pain.

Just do it ffs …

I needed this so much. Thank you!!!

 

[Soylent]

Well … 900km later and 150€ spend for : nothing. I turn around like a coward 30km before the destination. I did not sleep due to to much energy drink to stay awake and my anxiety is through the roof. I hate my life, I hate it so much. Now I have to work 7 hours (family business) and pretend to be happy and serve the customers. Yesterday I almost cried in the shop. I can't hold it anymore … what is wrong with me ? Why can I just exit this life and just jump to my death. Why ? I hate this life, every second is a torture. I used to be proud, strong, healthy and now I'm just a shell. Sorry for the rant … maybe tonight will be the night. I'm planning to make the trip again to my final destination.

 

[blackpillpeter]

i mean nothing goes as planned in life,

id like to pm you but it does not let me, do you have a discord or an alternate form of anonymous contact? if not its cool :)

 

[SVEN]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, please don't beat yourself up because survival instinct kicked in and sent you home again. 4 hours driving, thinking all the time about what you have to do at the end of the journey must take immense commitment and endurance.
Whatever you decide, please know you have our empathy and support. Every good wish however the situation is resolved, please be kind to yourself.

 

[Soylent]

It's horrible to drive this far for nothing and ending the night in my bed, in pain and with all the anxiety. I can't hold a pen without shaking. On top of that it's raining and if I go back to my final destination the dam might be open and I don't wan't that. I want to be found by the police (I planned every time a postpone email to my family saying what I have done and where I am), not washing away by the water flow.

i mean nothing goes as planned in life,

id like to pm you but it does not let me, do you have a discord or an alternate form of anonymous contact? if not its cool :)

I don't have the possibility to PM you either and I have delete all social media. I too would like to have a chat but all I have is not anonymous.