Venting I have lost all hope, but I'm forced to wait

[vrotka]

I'm waiting for my SN things to arrive, I will be ready probably in a week. This gives me time to think and possibly back out from those plans, but at this moment I just want to go.

I think I have finally reached the point where I honestly see no future for myself. And I've been falling in and out of this state for solid 5 or 6 years, I actually attempted suicide 4 years ago, but in last minutes called it off. I told my mom what I tried to do and instantly regretted backing out from it, because she only cursed at me and called me ungrateful for the things I have and that I had no reason to do that.
There's been a lot with my mom that often ended with her threatening suicide to me and/or dad. Year ago it was over me asking to be respected and called correct name (i'm trans, both of my parents eventually caught up with that and i think are ok with it). I've been relentlessly bullied since age 11 to 16 to the point I wanted to kill myself despite knowing I'm soon moving out from the hell town I lived in. I had no luck with relationships, I'm gay AND trans. Everyone I loved didn't feel the same way back.

I think I'm slowly accepting that I'm beyond saving. I cannot deal with whatever life throws at me. I see no worth in myself. The biggest thing holding me back is my parents and few friends, because I don't want to hurt them, but the noise in my brain is too overwhelming.

 

[Neverod]

Thanks for sharing that in here, sounds rough.
But, hey, don't hold back because other's, you are the only one who knows what's best for you, when any person commits to any kind of relationship (friends, lovers, family or w/e) you already commited yourself to a lot of love, pain, hate, confidence, good and bad moments, you will not be guilty for hurting them if you decide to ctb eventually.
If they are your friends and your parents, they should understand your decision if you decide to go through it, because that's what that link means, understanding the other, or at least that's what supposed to mean.
Hope you are able to do what you want in the end.

 

[jgm63]

Well, in the end, only you can decide what is right for you.
If you decide to CTB then I wish you a peaceful journey.

 

[ReadyToMeetMyMaker]

I am just waiting on my meto to arrive. I have lost all hope. I was going to push through if my wife and were going to stay married but she wants a divorce and I can no longer live with myself. I have tried everything to win her back but she is done and I hate myself.

 

[jgm63]

I am just waiting on my meto to arrive. I have lost all hope. I was going to push through if my wife and were going to stay married but she wants a divorce and I can no longer live with myself. I have tried everything to win her back but she is done and I hate myself.

Well if you decide to CTB, then I wish you a safe journey to somewhere better.

 

[bokete]

I don't have a lot to say besides what other people said but you're not the only one feeling like this, I'm trans too, bi, and the only thing holding me back is my sister, I don't want to leave her alone. Though I don't know how much longer I can wait.

 

[vrotka]

I don't have a lot to say besides what other people said but you're not the only one feeling like this, I'm trans too, bi, and the only thing holding me back is my sister, I don't want to leave her alone. Though I don't know how much longer I can wait.

Yeah, I don't know how much longer I can go on, because very likely I will soon fall back into the same state of mind.

 

[realjunes]

I have thought alot about "those we leave behind" and I now think that members of this forum are emotionally deep people who care, whether they want to or not, for others. I often thought the same thoughts. However, I have come around to think of things this way. Sure, people left behind us may be sad. or at least we hope they are for our own sake, but in the end two things will happen. First, we will be no longer suffering, at eternal peace, which is what we live for, if you will pardon the expression. Second, those left will have a life somehow, and we should all hope that if their circumstances ever become unbearable to them, that maybe times will have evolved by that time to allow people to choose their own destiny, to live or die, without judgment or ridicule and all people can determine their own life outcome. We want them to understand that life is not fair, it just is life, and if it is unsufferable, it just is.
All that to say, many of us burden ourselves with how it will be for those still living, and it is not a burden we must no longer carry. Maybe if we think that they can someday determine their own choices, they will respect our choices.
The bottom line is we are the ones living our life, no one else can live it for us 24 hours a day, so self-determination, whatever it is, it is. Others will eventually reach the point where we hope they will look back at our lives, and the end of our lives and think, at least they (we) are free of pain and suffering, and I now understand how they felt and respect that and they led me to now understand THEIR choice. And I love that they no longer suffer, and have shown me (the still living) that EVERYONE must be pro-choice in all respects, and I respect them. Bottom line.