etherealgoddess
perseverance is inevitable success
- Dec 8, 2022
- 289
I have done a ton of healing and have made a ton of progress. I even recently hit two major breakthroughs. But sometimes, I wonder why I even try. I feel so beaten down by the world. When I stop ignoring my problems, I see how bad they really are. It's hard to accept that my life has been miserable this long. I have hope, but I also wish I could die too.
I feel so broken. As I accept myself, I realize how my past just crushed me into tiny pieces. The way I was treated was despicable. I see others who are well-adjusted to adult problems while I couldn't handle problems by the time I was eighth grade. I desperately wish to be normal. I want to go out and make friends, but I am abnormal. I can't stop ghosting people or activities. They ask me where I've been, and I don't have a good answer. When they ask me what I've been up to, I feel like I'm lying through my teeth. I can't talk about it because sometimes I am working but other times I am in a drought. Other people think I am rejecting them when really, I can't talk to them while I'm depressed.
Why did this world have to break me? I wish I could just blow my head off with a shotgun, but I don't know if this is a girl thing, but I'm too scared to be mutilated and still live. Like having my face mutilated and staying alive would be hell in a world where a woman's appearance is the most important. I really want to just take a drug. I think I want to find fentanyl. I know there are some dealers in my area, but I've never looked because I have never done any drugs. But I knew a girl in my past high school died from a fentanyl overdose, and people say it's really peaceful. I think that's what I want to do. I am really contemplating it all. I just want to die.
I don't even feel horrible. Like I just feel defeated. Like I don't feel like it's the end of the world. Well, technically, killing myself would be the end of my world lol. I sometimes wish I could just be gone. I wish like this life was too hard on me. I have felt so alone and unloved for so long. I have so much pain on my chest. I've already spent the first 20 years like this. I don't know if this pain will ever end. I don't think my parents can ever undo the pain they ever put onto me. It's funny because I genuinely have so many financial privileges. Beauty, intelligence, good social skills, and money isn't enough if you're constantly abused. I have it all in the physical. But nothing can ever change what happened.
I stopped dissociating recently. This reality is probably what caused me to dissociate. I tried so hard to stop dissociating, and now the time has come. I've realized that the reason why we dissociate or numb is because we would kill ourselves. We dissociate because the subconscious knows we can't handle the truth well. Now that I'm not as dissociated, I can really see my entire life. And all I can think to myself is, "What the actual FUCK?" I actually feel so sad. Life has been so painful. I don't think anything could ever fill the void of the past 20 years of my life. I don't think anything could. No amount of beauty or money or intelligence or success could replace the love I ever needed. It's such an empty void.
I know that now I can provide that love to myself. But being aware of my past and knowing everything I went through gives me such an empty void. I don't think it's possible to come to terms with it. Like I can make my life better, but it's heavy.
I realized that healing wasn't about letting go of the pain. It was about living with it and coming to terms with it. It's accepting that everything happened. And I don't think I can accept it. It's like when I see my life and stop dissociating, I'm fucking heartbroken guys. Heartbroken. How did people treat me THIS badly? All I needed was love and safety, and so many of these problems could have been mitigated had I been treated well by my parents.
I'm realizing that dissociation was a very helpful mechanism. I tried so hard to stop dissociating. But clearly my psyche knew I wasn't ready to see the reality of my situation until now, and now it's all hitting full-force. I'll never be able to undo the pain. That little child me was alone. I can support the version that was carried in my chest. But there's nothing that can change the past. It happened. That little girl was so unloved and alone. And she'll forever be there as it happened. I can love the version of her that I carried. But the first 20 years will be a massive sting knowing that I will never be able to have a normal childhood. My childhood years will never be normal.
I wish I could change the past and go back. But seeing that the first 20 years of my life completely sucked, it feels like a very bad taste in the mouth, even if I do get better. You can't forget years on years of abuse.
If you're curious on what I'm feeling, dissociation is this sense that your sense of self is fragmented. I didn't have a personality disorder. But not dissociating… it's like acknowledging my entire sense of self as a continuous line of growing and actually acknowledging my consciousness. Dissociation on the other hand is acknowledging ONLY logically that your life sucked. But not dissociating is actually realizing your entire consciousness actually went through that and actually having empathy for yourself. That empathy goes pretty numb while you're dissociated. The dissociation makes you have to consciously bring out empathy. Now it's more natural because I just hit a major point of not being dissociated.
I feel grounded in acknowledging my horrible experience. I do feel like I am a bit dissociated. It's probably because I find it extremely distressing to acknowledge the past as it is. But I do have a part of myself acknowledging it.
I'll always have these years of torture in my memory. No matter how good my life gets, it will haunt me.
When I'm 40, it would have been half of my life.
When I'm 22, it would have been basically 90% of my life.
It's like on the forefront of my mind for what happened to me.
I am going to acknowledge the pain. But I am realizing I will always be broken and hurt from my past. I just will not be consumed by it.
I feel so broken. As I accept myself, I realize how my past just crushed me into tiny pieces. The way I was treated was despicable. I see others who are well-adjusted to adult problems while I couldn't handle problems by the time I was eighth grade. I desperately wish to be normal. I want to go out and make friends, but I am abnormal. I can't stop ghosting people or activities. They ask me where I've been, and I don't have a good answer. When they ask me what I've been up to, I feel like I'm lying through my teeth. I can't talk about it because sometimes I am working but other times I am in a drought. Other people think I am rejecting them when really, I can't talk to them while I'm depressed.
Why did this world have to break me? I wish I could just blow my head off with a shotgun, but I don't know if this is a girl thing, but I'm too scared to be mutilated and still live. Like having my face mutilated and staying alive would be hell in a world where a woman's appearance is the most important. I really want to just take a drug. I think I want to find fentanyl. I know there are some dealers in my area, but I've never looked because I have never done any drugs. But I knew a girl in my past high school died from a fentanyl overdose, and people say it's really peaceful. I think that's what I want to do. I am really contemplating it all. I just want to die.
I don't even feel horrible. Like I just feel defeated. Like I don't feel like it's the end of the world. Well, technically, killing myself would be the end of my world lol. I sometimes wish I could just be gone. I wish like this life was too hard on me. I have felt so alone and unloved for so long. I have so much pain on my chest. I've already spent the first 20 years like this. I don't know if this pain will ever end. I don't think my parents can ever undo the pain they ever put onto me. It's funny because I genuinely have so many financial privileges. Beauty, intelligence, good social skills, and money isn't enough if you're constantly abused. I have it all in the physical. But nothing can ever change what happened.
I stopped dissociating recently. This reality is probably what caused me to dissociate. I tried so hard to stop dissociating, and now the time has come. I've realized that the reason why we dissociate or numb is because we would kill ourselves. We dissociate because the subconscious knows we can't handle the truth well. Now that I'm not as dissociated, I can really see my entire life. And all I can think to myself is, "What the actual FUCK?" I actually feel so sad. Life has been so painful. I don't think anything could ever fill the void of the past 20 years of my life. I don't think anything could. No amount of beauty or money or intelligence or success could replace the love I ever needed. It's such an empty void.
I know that now I can provide that love to myself. But being aware of my past and knowing everything I went through gives me such an empty void. I don't think it's possible to come to terms with it. Like I can make my life better, but it's heavy.
I realized that healing wasn't about letting go of the pain. It was about living with it and coming to terms with it. It's accepting that everything happened. And I don't think I can accept it. It's like when I see my life and stop dissociating, I'm fucking heartbroken guys. Heartbroken. How did people treat me THIS badly? All I needed was love and safety, and so many of these problems could have been mitigated had I been treated well by my parents.
I'm realizing that dissociation was a very helpful mechanism. I tried so hard to stop dissociating. But clearly my psyche knew I wasn't ready to see the reality of my situation until now, and now it's all hitting full-force. I'll never be able to undo the pain. That little child me was alone. I can support the version that was carried in my chest. But there's nothing that can change the past. It happened. That little girl was so unloved and alone. And she'll forever be there as it happened. I can love the version of her that I carried. But the first 20 years will be a massive sting knowing that I will never be able to have a normal childhood. My childhood years will never be normal.
I wish I could change the past and go back. But seeing that the first 20 years of my life completely sucked, it feels like a very bad taste in the mouth, even if I do get better. You can't forget years on years of abuse.
If you're curious on what I'm feeling, dissociation is this sense that your sense of self is fragmented. I didn't have a personality disorder. But not dissociating… it's like acknowledging my entire sense of self as a continuous line of growing and actually acknowledging my consciousness. Dissociation on the other hand is acknowledging ONLY logically that your life sucked. But not dissociating is actually realizing your entire consciousness actually went through that and actually having empathy for yourself. That empathy goes pretty numb while you're dissociated. The dissociation makes you have to consciously bring out empathy. Now it's more natural because I just hit a major point of not being dissociated.
I feel grounded in acknowledging my horrible experience. I do feel like I am a bit dissociated. It's probably because I find it extremely distressing to acknowledge the past as it is. But I do have a part of myself acknowledging it.
I'll always have these years of torture in my memory. No matter how good my life gets, it will haunt me.
When I'm 40, it would have been half of my life.
When I'm 22, it would have been basically 90% of my life.
It's like on the forefront of my mind for what happened to me.
I am going to acknowledge the pain. But I am realizing I will always be broken and hurt from my past. I just will not be consumed by it.
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