I have everything prepared

[looking_for_peace]

I'm drunk, so I apologize in advance for the melodramatic post.

my SN is ready, my AE is ready, my sedatives are ready. I could leave at any point. Even though I have been preparing this for god knows how long, I feel no peace—only guilt. For anyone thinking this is a farewell thread, it is not. I am just frustrated that, although I want to leave, I cannot. I love my parents. My Mum is going through her own shit at the moment, but even though she is nearing 50, she still finds the will to continue. she's taking so many medications, and she's seeing so many different doctors because she cares so much about her own health. Why at 20 am i struggling? I feel so sorry that I will leave my family. I feel the guilt and anxiety of a murderer, plotting to take someone's life. but that life is my own. my parents are trying so hard to help me; they love me, but it is not enough. I feel selfish and weak.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

You don't have to feel guilty about feeling suicidal because everyone goes through their own harsh times. I don't think they would blame you. I think that the reason your mother tries so hard to stay alive is because there's something keeping her going, it's only a matter of time until you also find something like that too.
Also, it's ok to feel selfish and weak sometimes- it proves we still have our feelings.
PS: I love your profile, I love BSD

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really tiring and difficult situation to be trapped in but anyway I wish you the best, there really is no relief from suffering in this cruel world.