OopsIdidntwanttodie
Ctb by the 20th of December
- Oct 11, 2020
- 137
I have been planning my suicide for three months. I have attempted numerous times before by hanging, but they were all impulsive and I broke down/ changed my mind before becoming unconscious. The reason why I have been planning for three months was to wait and see if anything would change in my life for the better. I did therapy, tried new hobbies, and tried to better myself in the hopes of seeing that this was a temporary feeling - because I have gotten through depression before, except when it comes back I regret not killing myself before. But the feelings never went away. They got worse. Therapy only made me feel worse because I uncovered things about myself and realized that I was destined to suffer since I was a child. My family physically abused me by using me as a punching bag when I was little. They also emotionally abused me and stripped me of any form of confidence. Then to make it worse, I was molested by my older brother when my family was asleep multiple times. When I was in elementary school I moved houses and became close to my neighbor and their daughter. She molested me too. The people that molested me as a child stripped me of my innocence and exposed me to sexual things at a young age. I realized that I had no power whatsoever to prevent my brain from being fucked and ruining anything good that comes to me in my life.
All of this, I hid away in my head growing up because I felt responsible for what they did to me. The actions of these people rewired my brain. It made me easily susceptible to abusive relationships and made me trust the wrong people. I can't socialize because of how anxious I am, which is also a result of my family's abuse when I was a child. I'm tired of trusting people, being used because of how I want to see the good in people, and having my life gambled with (because I open up to them and they still fuck me over despite knowing that I am suicidal and am struggling by myself). I'm at the point where I feel like suicide is my only way out. I want to do it because I want the pain to end. I want the cycle to end.
I have been saving up money to leave behind for my family because I don't want to burden them with my death expenses. I am also going to ctb using the inert gas and bag method because hanging hurts and I know I don't deserve to be in any more pain. I want to go peacefully. I have come to terms that if I stay longer, I am only going to keep getting hurt by fucked up people. I will be used, deceived, and lied to no matter how careful I am. It's to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to live in a world where it is easier to be an asshole than a kind-hearted individual. All of this trauma, and planning for my suicide has made me even more traumatized as well. I have been dissociating so badly. My vision is literally dark around the edges and I can't snap out of it no matter how hard I try. I find myself so disconnected from my surroundings and other people, almost as if I was in a virtual box. Yes, I see everything around me, but it feels fake. It feels like it's out of reach. And when I reach out and grab it, it doesn't feel real. I cry because I can't get out of my head. I want to snap out of it, but I can't. I try so hard to feel again and be happy like before, but nothing is helping me get back to that specific point in my life. I know that I could live until 60 and still be at the same point. I don't want to wait and see what will come of me. And for those that say that I can be happy again, I can't and I don't care to be. All of my happiness was fake. I was always lied to and my brain makes me believe people are good.
My ctb day will be on December 20th. This is enough time for me to finish up my college classes so my parents won't have to pay for them when I die. It is also a few days before my birthday which is December 31st. The problem with my birthday is that everyone is celebrating new years with their family, and my family just wants to get drunk, take pictures, and post them on Facebook so the world thinks we are happy. My birthday is a cruel reminder that nobody cares if I was born or not. It is really traumatizing and scary having to do this. It is not only incredibly lonely, but it is traumatizing and just outright sad that I have to die in order to escape the evil of the world. I really wish there was someone I could talk to that wouldn't say "you will get through this hard time" bull, or try to stop me. I just want to be comforted because I'm scared. I don't want to die but I can't bear living with all of this weighing on me. Being able to rest for once and remove the weight that has been dragging me down, sounds more peaceful and beautiful than carrying all of this weight for how many more years, with no good outcome.
After becoming more aware of the world, I feel like it is allowing me to do this. I wake up with hope and it immediately reminds me that this is the only way to escape the suffering. Because of this, I feel a great amount of peace. My curse is that I am always right. Don't ask- but I always am. And for the world to confirm what I thought so, makes me feel relieved. For once I am certain of what will happen to me. No more gambling with my well-being or dreading what will become of me. Death will certainly stop the pain, and with living, you never know. It feels like a game. This is my life. And for once I am doing something that is good for me. I choose to stop playing.
All of this, I hid away in my head growing up because I felt responsible for what they did to me. The actions of these people rewired my brain. It made me easily susceptible to abusive relationships and made me trust the wrong people. I can't socialize because of how anxious I am, which is also a result of my family's abuse when I was a child. I'm tired of trusting people, being used because of how I want to see the good in people, and having my life gambled with (because I open up to them and they still fuck me over despite knowing that I am suicidal and am struggling by myself). I'm at the point where I feel like suicide is my only way out. I want to do it because I want the pain to end. I want the cycle to end.
I have been saving up money to leave behind for my family because I don't want to burden them with my death expenses. I am also going to ctb using the inert gas and bag method because hanging hurts and I know I don't deserve to be in any more pain. I want to go peacefully. I have come to terms that if I stay longer, I am only going to keep getting hurt by fucked up people. I will be used, deceived, and lied to no matter how careful I am. It's to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to live in a world where it is easier to be an asshole than a kind-hearted individual. All of this trauma, and planning for my suicide has made me even more traumatized as well. I have been dissociating so badly. My vision is literally dark around the edges and I can't snap out of it no matter how hard I try. I find myself so disconnected from my surroundings and other people, almost as if I was in a virtual box. Yes, I see everything around me, but it feels fake. It feels like it's out of reach. And when I reach out and grab it, it doesn't feel real. I cry because I can't get out of my head. I want to snap out of it, but I can't. I try so hard to feel again and be happy like before, but nothing is helping me get back to that specific point in my life. I know that I could live until 60 and still be at the same point. I don't want to wait and see what will come of me. And for those that say that I can be happy again, I can't and I don't care to be. All of my happiness was fake. I was always lied to and my brain makes me believe people are good.
My ctb day will be on December 20th. This is enough time for me to finish up my college classes so my parents won't have to pay for them when I die. It is also a few days before my birthday which is December 31st. The problem with my birthday is that everyone is celebrating new years with their family, and my family just wants to get drunk, take pictures, and post them on Facebook so the world thinks we are happy. My birthday is a cruel reminder that nobody cares if I was born or not. It is really traumatizing and scary having to do this. It is not only incredibly lonely, but it is traumatizing and just outright sad that I have to die in order to escape the evil of the world. I really wish there was someone I could talk to that wouldn't say "you will get through this hard time" bull, or try to stop me. I just want to be comforted because I'm scared. I don't want to die but I can't bear living with all of this weighing on me. Being able to rest for once and remove the weight that has been dragging me down, sounds more peaceful and beautiful than carrying all of this weight for how many more years, with no good outcome.
After becoming more aware of the world, I feel like it is allowing me to do this. I wake up with hope and it immediately reminds me that this is the only way to escape the suffering. Because of this, I feel a great amount of peace. My curse is that I am always right. Don't ask- but I always am. And for the world to confirm what I thought so, makes me feel relieved. For once I am certain of what will happen to me. No more gambling with my well-being or dreading what will become of me. Death will certainly stop the pain, and with living, you never know. It feels like a game. This is my life. And for once I am doing something that is good for me. I choose to stop playing.
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