Venting I have been an outcast my whole life

[The Disqualified]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

 

[sapphirebunnie]

I really relate to you. Im so jealous of others who fit in so easily. I wish you the best.

 

[eladeselasol99]

Been there felt that, i am loner too til now never click with anyone. Best wishes for you dude.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Can strongly relate to you. I know it won't help much, but at least we can both feel a little less alone this way I hope.

 

[uselessmanz]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

I relate to this. It's gotten to the point where I think I live a triple life or more. When that hits me, there will be irreparable damage for me and others. That's why I want to die.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm 38 and I felt since I was just 5 years old that somehow I don't belong in this world. Nobody wanted to play with me even when I was just a little kid, and this continued my entire life. No friends, no love life, always alone, no job... just two cold parents in a loveless marriage.