cracklingroses
Member
- Sep 10, 2023
- 73
I have attempted twice within two weeks.
The attempt two weeks ago ended with me being found having multiple seizures and waking up intubated with tubes down my throat. Just like an attempt I had a few months prior to that.
I ended up overdosing again right after I was discharged from the ICU and psych unit about a week ago.
This time I didn't end up in the ICU thankfully because I called a hotline just to talk to somebody as it was getting hard to breathe. I guess when I started losing consciousness, they called out the authorities.
My dad told me in the hospital that the police were like, "So, we are here to pick up your son… again…" I don't know how many times they have been out to my house at this point. Over twenty times in my lifetime. It is so embarrassing… having my neighbors constantly seeing ambulances and police cars outside our house. No wonder the cops hate me. They're probably like why can't he just do it already...
I don't know what to do anymore. I am expected to get sober from DXM, but that has been the only thing that gets me through my days… although honestly has also played a large role in ruining my life.
I have become so dependent on it for years to self medicate that I honestly can't see myself living without it. People think I can just quit, but I have never been given the chance to actually address what has caused me to become so badly addicted. 5 failed rehabs, 24+ hospital/psych unit stays, 12 years of going from therapist to therapist realizing none of them give a shit about me or their job…
People around me don't understand or care about mental health and addiction. Even with everything I have been through these past 12 years. They just drink to forget, eat to forget, and push down their feelings. But it's suddenly a big to-do when I try to do it with DXM. Hypocrites.
The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital. The psych units are especially sick of me, and they treat me like shit because I am outspoken about my anti-psychiatry views because of years of medical negligence; and losing a lot of my memory and cognitive functioning to ECT treatments when I was just 16. And they keep sending me back to the very hospital that did those ECT "treatments" on me and even continues doing it to others to this day. (I am 24 now).
How am I supposed to suddenly trust the people who caused so much harm, and who not only caused so much harm, but refuse to be accountable for what they have done to me and continue to do to others?
I see how the patients decline from those ECT "treatments" right before my eyes and it takes me back to when I went through it… seeing how they decline makes me sick, and I grieve for them. As well as those who get their lives ruined by the heavy antipsychotics they get doled out or even forced on. Even some of the, if not all, of the "mood-stablizers" cause a ton of harmful side effects. I mean Lithium is straight poison.
I was overdosed on that by a psychiatrist in a psych unit when I was 16 and had to be taken by ambulance to the medical hospital since I was found unconscious after a whole month of me stumbling around, sleeping on the floor, vomiting, etc. Do I remember any of that month? No. I only know what was in the notes and recounted to me. I only remember coming to in the hospital being told I had Lithium poisoning and kidney damage. I was also on three other antipsychotics (no exaggeration) at the same time. The medical hospital refused to let me be discharged back to that hospital.
Thankfully, that hospital is closed down. It is a lot to go into on here but if you are curious, you can find the news reports on YouTube. Look up "Fox 13 Highland Ridge Hospital Utah".
I was lucky that they called 911 because the staff were interviewed during the news interviews and talked about how they were discouraged from calling 911. They had a patient they found already in rigor mortis. So I got very fortunate.
I apologize for this being so long. I am just so lost and I have no one I trust. Other than my dogs, but there is only so much they can do.
TL;DR: Two suicide attempts in two weeks. Feeling really lost. Don't know how to move forward without DXM (cough suppressant).
The attempt two weeks ago ended with me being found having multiple seizures and waking up intubated with tubes down my throat. Just like an attempt I had a few months prior to that.
I ended up overdosing again right after I was discharged from the ICU and psych unit about a week ago.
This time I didn't end up in the ICU thankfully because I called a hotline just to talk to somebody as it was getting hard to breathe. I guess when I started losing consciousness, they called out the authorities.
My dad told me in the hospital that the police were like, "So, we are here to pick up your son… again…" I don't know how many times they have been out to my house at this point. Over twenty times in my lifetime. It is so embarrassing… having my neighbors constantly seeing ambulances and police cars outside our house. No wonder the cops hate me. They're probably like why can't he just do it already...
I don't know what to do anymore. I am expected to get sober from DXM, but that has been the only thing that gets me through my days… although honestly has also played a large role in ruining my life.
I have become so dependent on it for years to self medicate that I honestly can't see myself living without it. People think I can just quit, but I have never been given the chance to actually address what has caused me to become so badly addicted. 5 failed rehabs, 24+ hospital/psych unit stays, 12 years of going from therapist to therapist realizing none of them give a shit about me or their job…
People around me don't understand or care about mental health and addiction. Even with everything I have been through these past 12 years. They just drink to forget, eat to forget, and push down their feelings. But it's suddenly a big to-do when I try to do it with DXM. Hypocrites.
The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital. The psych units are especially sick of me, and they treat me like shit because I am outspoken about my anti-psychiatry views because of years of medical negligence; and losing a lot of my memory and cognitive functioning to ECT treatments when I was just 16. And they keep sending me back to the very hospital that did those ECT "treatments" on me and even continues doing it to others to this day. (I am 24 now).
How am I supposed to suddenly trust the people who caused so much harm, and who not only caused so much harm, but refuse to be accountable for what they have done to me and continue to do to others?
I see how the patients decline from those ECT "treatments" right before my eyes and it takes me back to when I went through it… seeing how they decline makes me sick, and I grieve for them. As well as those who get their lives ruined by the heavy antipsychotics they get doled out or even forced on. Even some of the, if not all, of the "mood-stablizers" cause a ton of harmful side effects. I mean Lithium is straight poison.
I was overdosed on that by a psychiatrist in a psych unit when I was 16 and had to be taken by ambulance to the medical hospital since I was found unconscious after a whole month of me stumbling around, sleeping on the floor, vomiting, etc. Do I remember any of that month? No. I only know what was in the notes and recounted to me. I only remember coming to in the hospital being told I had Lithium poisoning and kidney damage. I was also on three other antipsychotics (no exaggeration) at the same time. The medical hospital refused to let me be discharged back to that hospital.
Thankfully, that hospital is closed down. It is a lot to go into on here but if you are curious, you can find the news reports on YouTube. Look up "Fox 13 Highland Ridge Hospital Utah".
I was lucky that they called 911 because the staff were interviewed during the news interviews and talked about how they were discouraged from calling 911. They had a patient they found already in rigor mortis. So I got very fortunate.
I apologize for this being so long. I am just so lost and I have no one I trust. Other than my dogs, but there is only so much they can do.
TL;DR: Two suicide attempts in two weeks. Feeling really lost. Don't know how to move forward without DXM (cough suppressant).
