Foresight
Enlightened
- Jun 14, 2019
- 1,397
I often see death as sad and scary. I've always had a bad relationship with it. I've always been very mournful. I've grieved for strangers far too many times.
I've fought to try at this life for a long time. I've had suicidal ideation since 2013, been on and off of ss for almost 6 years, and I've really tried at this bullshit. Because of all the effort I see my personal suicide as losing in some way. I've programmed myself that way. It wasn't like that at one point. I saw my suicide as a merciful and justified release. I want to get back to that thinking. That's how I view it in general. An honest and merciful release, it's not a game.
I have to just let go. I'm so tired. I can't even define my tiredness. No wins I get in life matter. My soul is tired. I just want to change my view of death and see it as sweet release and not a loss. I also have small religious fears even if god doesn't exist. A merciful god should forgive me though after the hell I've been through. I hate more than my personal life too. I hate this existence in general. I hate the games, the way we devour other scared sentient beings, the way we treat each other. I hate how dark and aggressive sexuality is, I hate how dark and draining romance is, I hate loneliness but I also hate company. I hate being touched and needing food. I hate how loud life is but I also hate silence. I am fucked. I am ready to restart my descent so that I can go in the right mindframe. A decade of this mindfuckery of suicide and clinging to life leaves you in a strange place mentally.
I've fought to try at this life for a long time. I've had suicidal ideation since 2013, been on and off of ss for almost 6 years, and I've really tried at this bullshit. Because of all the effort I see my personal suicide as losing in some way. I've programmed myself that way. It wasn't like that at one point. I saw my suicide as a merciful and justified release. I want to get back to that thinking. That's how I view it in general. An honest and merciful release, it's not a game.
I have to just let go. I'm so tired. I can't even define my tiredness. No wins I get in life matter. My soul is tired. I just want to change my view of death and see it as sweet release and not a loss. I also have small religious fears even if god doesn't exist. A merciful god should forgive me though after the hell I've been through. I hate more than my personal life too. I hate this existence in general. I hate the games, the way we devour other scared sentient beings, the way we treat each other. I hate how dark and aggressive sexuality is, I hate how dark and draining romance is, I hate loneliness but I also hate company. I hate being touched and needing food. I hate how loud life is but I also hate silence. I am fucked. I am ready to restart my descent so that I can go in the right mindframe. A decade of this mindfuckery of suicide and clinging to life leaves you in a strange place mentally.