Venting I hate you

[ABadPerson]

I can't find anything to distract myself, my mind is so blank that it gets sickening each time I even attempt to do anything for too long; it's a physical repulsion comes over me just rejecting everything I try to do.

I hate everything, fucking despise it all; this sudden wave of emotion washed over me after so long of emotional numbness and yet all I felt was visceral anger and pain.
Why is everything so horrible? Nothing is working, not even doomscrolling is enough anymore, it all just fucking sucks. I'm just sitting in my room all alone with no real friends or family; I'm just so fucking alone it hurts so bad. I can't imagine living like this for another couple months, I've already spent majority of my childhood like this and would rather die than go back to this state for another decade. I just want to go back to feeling nothing again, I feel so anxious and alone and shit it's driving me crazy.

What sense does my existence make? There's nothing that's driving me forward right now and it seems to only get progressively worse as time goes on; I start to even miss the times of when I was in that household, despite all the emotional and physical abuse, the homelessness, the bullying I still was heard and seen. I have nothing now, I interact with no-one; I put on a fake smile everyday just to get a stupid check I don't give a shit about, studying for something I never gave a single crap about pursuing, existing so emptily and meaninglessly that the term collapses inwards into itself yet nobody is there to even care. I'm just a stupid fuck that's one of the hundreds of millions on earth that are suffering, nobody special to anyone or anything. I don't have some grand reason to die, I just do, I feel a greater and greater desire to end it all as time goes on I hate myself for even existing still I should've fucking died already yet I'm such a fucking mistake I can't even do one simple task without fucking it up. I'm such an idiot, such a fucking idiot who can't even understand himself; who the fuck would even understand? I try to convey myself so hard through text about how it is like but I just can't, people don't understand, I try so hard to write everything out but it just doesn't get across at all. My mind is so fucked up it suffocates me just trying to comprehend it, all this "clarity" will go away again and I'll be so fucking trapped in my headspace again constantly chocking and screaming under all the fucking pressure and lack of voice, I'm not insane my body just can't stop involuntary freaking out from all the suppressed emotions and suffering, just flinging around to get even a bit of it out yet nothing works. Why do I even exist why do I even bother trying why is everything so so horrible? My face is twitching so bad right now, everything hurts. Existence is pain, I wish I just didn't exist, I wish none of my memories was real, none of my life had ever happened, nothing about my mind came to be; i would never want a different life I just want to be gone. Fuck existence, what good use would another life be when it's my own mind? My own thought process? The rising pressure in my head is getting to me
I want to go back I want to stop feeling so much, I want to go back to normal again I can't anymore it hurts, I'm crying so bad it hurts so much. Why am I such a waste of space? So worthless that I hurt everyone around me no matter what, it's all a joke

 

[-Link-]

I hate everything, fucking despise it all; this sudden wave of emotion washed over me after so long of emotional numbness and yet all I felt was visceral anger and pain.

Just throwing a thought out here, recalling another recent post you made: May be worth thinking back to when you started meds and considering whether there could be a correlation in mood changes. SSRIs (sertraline included) can sometimes contribute to emotional numbness. While it's meant to diminish the pain of depression, it can sometimes be a little too indiscriminate where it winds up diminishing capacity to enjoy as well. The resulting effect, a general numbing of emotions. But some emotions can be left unaffected, which is why anger sometimes survives and thrives despite feeling little else.

Whether the sertraline could actually be contributing to what you're feeling, that's something you could ask your doctor.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

Just throwing a thought out here, recalling another recent post you made: May be worth thinking back to when you started meds and considering whether there could be a correlation in mood changes. SSRIs (sertraline included) can sometimes contribute to emotional numbness. While it's meant to diminish the pain of depression, it can sometimes be a little too indiscriminate where it winds up diminishing capacity to enjoy as well. The resulting effect, a general numbing of emotions. But some emotions can be left unaffected, which is why anger sometimes survives and thrives despite feeling little else.

Whether the sertraline could actually be contributing to what you're feeling, that's something you could ask your doctor.

I agree with this. I have been on many anti depressants, first time I was prescribed some (I cannot remember which exactly forgive me), they made me extremely irritable. Angry. Tense. It was the only lingering emotion in my chest. My psychiatrist at the time told me not everyone had tolerate most SSRI's. It can be because you have underlying bipolar, and anti depressants are known to have negative effects on bipolar patients if not taken parallel with a mood stabilizer, (obviously nobody should immediately assume a mental illness because of one correlation or factor that you can relate too, this should be discussed with your medical professional), but some simply have different brain wiring, I don't have the medical knowledge in front of me, to not handle serotonin inhibitors correctly.
With time and effort, I've switched up and am now on Ventaflaxine. Works well. Doesn't make me want to start a national uprising against against the government or anyone who looks at me slightly sideways.