suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
I used to love anything software related when I was younger. It was not so widespread as it is today, it gave me a sense of uniqueness, fulfillment, mastery. I was pretty good at it and very passionate as well, giving me the confidence that no matter what happens, I can always find a good paying job or make it in the world somehow. I was young, idealistic, confident (on the edge of arrogance sometimes), workaholic even, but never in a power-hungry way.
Fast forward many years ahead, one is expected to always know the latest 1000 frameworks/platforms/languages/whatever, be payed little, taxed to hell, play office politics, obey some asshole who enjoys climbing the corporate ladder and not to mention never work on something meaningful anyway because almost nothing has meaning and also everything is evil. And of course there is always some guy who is 10 years younger than you, smarter than you and hungrier than you who is willing to work far more than you do for way less pay than you do.
If I search for jobs in IT now, everything is the same: be a master ('manager' of some sorts, where you need sociopathy as the main trait) or a slave (engineer, etc, where obedience is the main trait, they even write in the job description 'no ego'). I do not fit anywhere on the master-slave spectrum, I do not enjoy being bossed around nor do I enjoy bossing others around. The loner type never fits anywhere.
I tried to escape this world once (a la Office Space, where the protagonist quits his office job to go to work in construction, although my situation was different) and things were even worse. At least in the corporate world there is some veil of diplomacy, in the 'real' world it feels like violence might erupt at any time and you must always keep your guard up/have street smarts/ act like an asshole.
My confidence and sense of autonomy are almost completely gone. They feel so far gone that the image of my younger self feels surreal. What kept me so wide eyed and confident back then? I sometimes think it was the fact that I didn't know how this world works (that it's mostly based on manipulation). Other times I doubt my own thinking abilities when it comes to technology. Maybe I was never that good, maybe I was just an average person who had a bit of ambition and who got more proficient than others because I was a loner. Maybe it's a little bit of both.
What I know is that it hurts like hell to feel like you have no power over your life, over the surrounding environment. Some people are power driver or money driven. I am freedom-driven. I just want to be free.
Fast forward many years ahead, one is expected to always know the latest 1000 frameworks/platforms/languages/whatever, be payed little, taxed to hell, play office politics, obey some asshole who enjoys climbing the corporate ladder and not to mention never work on something meaningful anyway because almost nothing has meaning and also everything is evil. And of course there is always some guy who is 10 years younger than you, smarter than you and hungrier than you who is willing to work far more than you do for way less pay than you do.
If I search for jobs in IT now, everything is the same: be a master ('manager' of some sorts, where you need sociopathy as the main trait) or a slave (engineer, etc, where obedience is the main trait, they even write in the job description 'no ego'). I do not fit anywhere on the master-slave spectrum, I do not enjoy being bossed around nor do I enjoy bossing others around. The loner type never fits anywhere.
I tried to escape this world once (a la Office Space, where the protagonist quits his office job to go to work in construction, although my situation was different) and things were even worse. At least in the corporate world there is some veil of diplomacy, in the 'real' world it feels like violence might erupt at any time and you must always keep your guard up/have street smarts/ act like an asshole.
My confidence and sense of autonomy are almost completely gone. They feel so far gone that the image of my younger self feels surreal. What kept me so wide eyed and confident back then? I sometimes think it was the fact that I didn't know how this world works (that it's mostly based on manipulation). Other times I doubt my own thinking abilities when it comes to technology. Maybe I was never that good, maybe I was just an average person who had a bit of ambition and who got more proficient than others because I was a loner. Maybe it's a little bit of both.
What I know is that it hurts like hell to feel like you have no power over your life, over the surrounding environment. Some people are power driver or money driven. I am freedom-driven. I just want to be free.