I hate who I am. The end might be sooner than I planned.

[rebelsue]

I turned into the worst person ever. I used to be a good kid with a huge heart who just wanted to make the world a better place. I got hurt too many times and now I'm a whining selfish sniveling disgusting person and I alienate everyone I talk to, eventually. Maybe not right away. But I find that eventually, I get frustrated enough or panicked enough and I say something kind of forceful to them and they ghost me. Then the realization of what I did wrong comes flooding in, and it's too late to win them back.

I've lost almost everyone in my life. I've posted here about my husband before so I won't retell. But I've lost friends, too. I lost so many friends over the years. I'm down to maybe three. two of them live out of state and one is in my life but not in the same capacity as he once was. We used to be closer. I used to be his sister. I am not anymore.

I think people detach from me because they don't want to be hurt anymore. But the saddest thing is, somehow I turned into a person who can't tell when I'm hurting someone. I'm afraid every relationship is going to end when I am not aware of it. I can't take any more loss. I can't take it anymore. Please stop taking things from me, universe. Please. I am not doing any of this on purpose. I feel like it's just happening to me outside of my control. Please stop stealing my life. I feel like pieces of my heart are being ripped out slice by slice. I just want to be loved. It's all I ever wanted. Love and safety.

I think my therapist dropped me from his practice because I set a boundary. At least that's what it seemed like -- that I was setting a boundary. maybe I was being demanding and unreasonable. i don't know. I'm fucked without my therapist. But maybe....maybe now that he's out of the way I can CTB without him being impacted. He did tell me once that if a client ever CTBd he'd have to close his practice.

You know what? My mom said to my husband "Sometimes I wish rebelsue would kill herself so I'd finally be free."

My dad said to my in-laws on my wedding day "Ha, she's [husband]'s problem now."

They always hated me. They didn't want me. Fuck them. When I finally CTB I've considered doing it on their doorstep in the middle of the night so they have to be the ones to find me and deal with it.

 

[HoolioCoolio]

take this with a grain of salt im only 18 and can relate to you alot, i know how you feel. you may feel selfish but you have more problems you dont always think about or really comtemplate maybe even procrastinate thinking. ive had alot of close friends and it really did stupid shit and word got out and nobody really belived me but boy did it hurt to know i cant go to a=that little area without being scared of seeing someone i know. what hurst more is the people that stayed and became friends (like 10 people) they were mostly girls. I helped them through abuse and everything, they would hurt me but i couldn't let go, most of the people ghost me and the two that stayed found someone else. i dont have any real friends i can trust with everything and i vague my details to people i know IRL. ivr lodt my future and drugs have ruined my head and my doctors wont help me with my pain condition. if you feel like everything is a dream or a phase its real. dont foget there are people who will still cry for you. i wonder if you have trouble with trust because you have been emotionally scarred and cant risk it again (cliche ik). for me ive been so unproductive with my life im losing a grasp.... and weed helps edge pain if you really need it

 

[rebelsue]

take this with a grain of salt im only 18 and can relate to you alot, i know how you feel. you may feel selfish but you have more problems you dont always think about or really comtemplate maybe even procrastinate thinking. ive had alot of close friends and it really did stupid shit and word got out and nobody really belived me but boy did it hurt to know i cant go to a=that little area without being scared of seeing someone i know. what hurst more is the people that stayed and became friends (like 10 people) they were mostly girls. I helped them through abuse and everything, they would hurt me but i couldn't let go, most of the people ghost me and the two that stayed found someone else. i dont have any real friends i can trust with everything and i vague my details to people i know IRL. ivr lodt my future and drugs have ruined my head and my doctors wont help me with my pain condition. if you feel like everything is a dream or a phase its real. dont foget there are people who will still cry for you. i wonder if you have trouble with trust because you have been emotionally scarred and cant risk it again (cliche ik). for me ive been so unproductive with my life im losing a grasp.... and weed helps edge pain if you really need it

I am 39 so you and I definitely live in different worlds.

I do find that I have a lot in common with people much younger than me because of my stunted emotional growth.

I'm sorry to hear about your pain condition and the drugs. I've seen far too many suffer from those issues and it is unfair and terrible. Nobody should have to end up that way just for trying to feel better. Wanting to feel better is not a crime.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What your parents said was shit. I can't blame you for fantasizing about ctb'ing on their doorstep. Fuck them.

As far as your friends, you have assumptions about why they pull away, but you can't know unless they tell you. My thought is to write to the few friends you have, including the one who is pulling away. I'd say, "I am trying to improve my relationships, but I'm having a hard time seeing outside of myself. Would you be willing to tell me the following: What you value about me, what you like or respect about me, what you find challenging, and what you think it would benefit me and my relationships to work on improving?" Then remember, it's coming from their perspectives, so you don't have to own everything they say. For instance, I had a close friend who pulled back when I was suffering because I wouldn't join her self-actualization cult (Landmark), and she wouldn't give me the tools she'd learned there that would supposedly help unless I let her pay for the intro and actually join.

What boundary did you set with your therapist? Are you comfortable talking about it?

 

[darkhorse256]

Your parents sound horrible. I'm so sorry that the people who were supposed to care about you ended up hurting you. It's even more messed up since your parents literally brought you into this cruel world.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry you don't have supportive people in your life we're here for you. I can relate to shitty parents so much. It messes a person up

 

[FireFox]

We cant choose our families

No loving parent would want their child to kill themselves . I am a difficult child in my family but my mother has never wished for me to kill myself. I am sorry but your parents are awful and irresponsible

Real friends dont leave you in difficulty

Please take care of yourself

 

[Bct]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Your parents must be a despicable couple, fucking shit.

 

[itsamadworld]

When my dad and step-mom came to visit me, when I lived in Texas, whlst i in the military, for the first time in three years he visited me ......Well , that week, my next door neighbor's 35 year old son shot and killed himself on his parent's front yard, leaving behind a 11 year old son. We woke up to crime scene tape, police officers, and a dead body next door, and then me and my now ex husband had to go to work. Though my parents always thought I never did enough! ......It was ironic, because 10 years later, my dad would find his step-grandson dead of- what i think was -an intentional overdose ...I might be my father's third know suicide victim....I am so fucking depresssed, and I am so tired of dealing with the pain. The modern world sucks for sensitive souls like me, and we're just born to be exploited...I wish I were never born.....I tried to end it years ago, but failed....I see little hope, really. I have no children, no slaves to introduce, but to be a slave myself.....I hate this planet.....