Venting I hate wanting.

[2broken2fix]

It sucks wanting things. I want to happy, everything makes me unhappy. I want to be attractive, but every feature people like I either don't have or have it in a way that's awful to look at. I want to be intelligent, but I can't focus in order to learn and my memory isn't worth shit, and I'm a horrible communicator so even if I was smart I'd still look like an idiot.

Why is it that wanting something immediately makes it out of reach for some people? I have a friend who gets what she wants. She wanted a job, she got a job. I wanted a job, I was unemployed until my friend got me a job— because she wanted to work with me. She liked attention, and she's fucking beautiful: dark curly hair, big green eyes, full lips, hourglass figure. Gorgeous. Fucking stunning. Strangers offer to buy her things because she's pretty. Me? Disproportionate everywhere, I look passable with about 3 filters stacked over each other in Snapchat. Every time I want something it becomes so impossible for me to get it that it's no wonder I want to die, and i can't even get that... never been healthier in my life. Which is saying something, because I'm certainly not healthy now.

 

[esistzeit]

Buddhism says that life is suffering. This suffering is caused by our desires. To end our suffering, we must rid ourselves of these desires. To do that, one must follow their teachings: meditate a lot until you're able to "see things clearly". If you succeed, you'll achieve Enlightenment and nothing will hurt you anymore.

I studied Buddhism in the past and it brought me a bit of peace, though I did not stick to it (because I'm weak). Maybe you could look it up and see if you resonate with it, but I must warn you that it is not for the faint of heart.

There's a playlist on YouTube called "ask a monk". You can learn about these teachings by watching it.