Venting I hate to say my reason out loud.

[todestrieb]

My child.

My child is manipulative and mean. They are conniving and unapologetic. They would step on the backs of anybody oblivious enough to crouch down to get wherever they wanted. I fight so hard to figure out whether or not it's my ex manipulating them first, but after what I saw today I'm confident they're both just equally disgusting human beings working independently from one another.

I spent my life savings on legal fees for my child. I was begged to bring them home. "They abuse me over here, please help me." So I did. And then today… they told me to kill myself. And so, I just might. I'd like to. Not out of spite. Out of desperation. Exhaustion. To escape the pain that people say is trivial and fleeting, yet has haunted me my entire life. What a wild world to live in where privilege includes the ability to exist.

In the beginning it wasn't just my child. I had a pretty nasty childhood, though not the worst I'd still never want to relive it. I lost my parents rather suddenly, each time left me with a sense of relief and a gaping hole in my soul. I lost my husband to his battle with mental illness and that shredded the void. Then my child left because they hated me. And so I existed here, dumbfounded and floating through life. Today though… today something just snapped in me. I have nothing else. Even if my child is ill themselves, and they are, I cannot save anybody before I save myself and I truly feel the world would be a lot less doom and gloom without me in it.

Maybe one day I'll overcome the SI and finally find my peace.

 

[September5th]

I'm sorry for your situation. I know you probably love this kid in a way as well...
Think of this: you're the parent. That doesn't mean you can control your child out of fear, of course. That said, you can mediate things through respect. You can try to make this world a bit better by preventing this child from growing up like an asshole. You can do this. You're great and they probably love you.

I wish you well :)

 

[Cathy Ames]

Wow, I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. If I might ask, how old is your child?

 

[todestrieb]

Wow, I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. If I might ask, how old is your child?

12. When they decided to go live with my ex things just went in hyperdrive, and it's not puberty yet.

I'm sorry for your situation. I know you probably love this kid in a way as well...
Think of this: you're the parent. That doesn't mean you can control your child out of fear, of course. That said, you can mediate things through respect. You can try to make this world a bit better by preventing this child from growing up like an asshole. You can do this. You're great and they probably love you.

I wish you well :)

I love my child very much. He needs psychiatric care that my ex refused to continue when I let them go over there. My kids done a complete 180. I've been attacked, the pets have been caught in the middle, it's to the point that I hate being alone with my kid because I'm afraid they'll do something and I'll get in trouble for it. Kids are wild.

 

[its-about-time]

It reminds me of some shows I've watched about parents with anti-social personality children. I don't know anything about your child, but your desperation, confusion, fear, and general loss of what to do (to the point of suicide!) reminds me of what the parents in that show described.

I'm very sorry. I imagine this is something you can't really talk about to most people. Parents are expected to show "unconditional positive regard" for their children. There's little room for a parent who is being so damaged by their child. There are support groups for parents of children with mental illness, I wonder if those spaces would be helpful to you at all? You're absolutely not the only person experiencing this, there are people who can relate and maybe even help. I'm sending you love.

 

[todestrieb]

It reminds me of some shows I've watched about parents with anti-social personality children. I don't know anything about your child, but your desperation, confusion, fear, and general loss of what to do (to the point of suicide!) reminds me of what the parents in that show described.

I'm very sorry. I imagine this is something you can't really talk about to most people. Parents are expected to show "unconditional positive regard" for their children. There's little room for a parent who is being so damaged by their child. There are support groups for parents of children with mental illness, I wonder if those spaces would be helpful to you at all? You're absolutely not the only person experiencing this, there are people who can relate and maybe even help. I'm sending you love.

It sounds really stupid but I'm finishing two masters in mental health counseling, and child education & development. I have a BA in psychology. I refused to see so many things for so long that I could have intervened earlier because I follow the "don't diagnose yourself or others" tenet. I'm in a couple of facebook groups for similar kids, and I have a coworker who adopted a child with RAD, so I have… places.. but it's just like we don't quite fit the bill anywhere we go. Parents are either not understanding their kids, are obviously very awful, or they're worse off than me so I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. I had my kid in therapy seeing a psychiatrist but my ex told him he didn't need it anymore, and I can't control that.

What a waste to spend all that money and time on an education I couldn't even apply when I needed it. lol

 

[imcurious]

Children ARE difficult. I feel as though it is not talked about enough in such cases where it is the parent(s) who feel abused. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

There are support groups for just parents, or for both parents and children simultaneously. Perhaps family therapy might be of benefit, if individual therapy is not enough or supported? I was a difficult child, once, too. The thing was I didn't know how to communicate my emotions or needs, so they'd come out in unhealthy forms. I feel that I'd have had a better relationship with my parents if I did know how to communicate.

I wish you lots of love and peace. There is help and support for you out there.

 

[its-about-time]

It sounds really stupid but I'm finishing two masters in mental health counseling, and child education & development. I have a BA in psychology. I refused to see so many things for so long that I could have intervened earlier because I follow the "don't diagnose yourself or others" tenet. I'm in a couple of facebook groups for similar kids, and I have a coworker who adopted a child with RAD, so I have… places.. but it's just like we don't quite fit the bill anywhere we go. Parents are either not understanding their kids, are obviously very awful, or they're worse off than me so I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. I had my kid in therapy seeing a psychiatrist but my ex told him he didn't need it anymore, and I can't control that.

What a waste to spend all that money and time on an education I couldn't even apply when I needed it. lol

Sure, you're well educated in this area. But education doesn't translate directly to a higher ability to cope with difficulties within your family, you know what I mean? I'm glad you're in some Facebook groups. Try to give yourself a little slack. You're considering killing yourself because of how intolerable your situation with your child is— that is significant, and you belong in those groups right along with the other parents. "Who is suffering more" is an unhelpful game that will only make you invalidate yourself. The reality is that we are all in our own special little hell, and we all suffer "the worst." You are genuinely in a really tough spot, and I hope you can find some place of solace where you can relate to other parents in similar situations and potentially find little bits of wisdom to apply.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an awful and unbearable situation to be in and I'm sorry that you have to endure this. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.