Thisgirlwantstosleep
A pointless life had in a pointless world
- Mar 11, 2019
- 130
The date for my suicide is edging closer. My resources are coming in quickly. I just need to write my book outlining my reasons for killing myself and posting here let's me put things into words more easily.
I wholeheartedly blame the council for my suicide and I plan to leave a note placing them as responsible for my death.
I've attached pictures of the temporary accommodation they offered me. This is what was offered after I requested a self contained unit because of my severe OCD.
I suffer from severe mental health issues and have attempted to kill myself numerous times. I'm agoraphobic because of my Body Dysmorphia which means I can't leave the house at times even if I need toiletries and/or food. I haven't had friends for years so I couldn't even call someone on the phone to distract myself. I also have many other issues that would make living in a space like that unpractical. So how could I stay in a box room like that where all I have to look at is a brick wall?
The housing officer I spoke to was doing her best to put me off telling me I'd have to live there for 6/7 years. I asked her if I could transfer to somewhere else and she just shrugged her shoulders.
They expect you to move in straight away but if you have any experience with OCD you know how hard it is to deal with. I asked if I could clean up a bit before I moved in, and get my sister to help me because my brain was just catastrophising and I was panicking.
She had a bit of sympathy on me.
She said I could come back only clean for 2-3 hours on the following day but it was all too much for me and I had to turn it down, which you have the right to do if you think a property is unsuitable for you.
The homelessness officer I was working with, god bless her, did take into account my issues so they didn't refuse duty of care.
Instead I tried to find supported accommodation places that were self contained and would work for my OCD but there was nothing. Some places actually rejected me because they said my support needs were too high. I didn't have a social worker back then and still don't. I feel like if I knew more about the system, my rights and had someone in my corner I would have made more well informed decisions.
My living situation that caused me to enter the system was getting more and more precarious so I told my homelessness officer that I wanted to go for temporary again, only they flat out told me I won't get a council place and pushed me into private instead which has been awful and the reason why I'm going to kill myself.
I've always known that a council flat would have been the best option for me which is why I tried to make it happen. I shouldn't be shamed or made to feel guilty for the choices I made when I have mental health issues I recieve 0 help for.
There is no infrastructure to support people with mental health issues in this country. We should be one of the priorities when it comes to housing as we often struggle to get a stable job, have little to no interpersonal connections and many of us need stability in order to function.
My sisters friend was staying at her mums after she'd had a baby. She tried private, didn't like it, went back to her mums and got housed.
Another person that my sister knows had to move into a 2 bed flat with her sister and child and got housed within the year.
One the neighbours where my mum lives was also in a situation where she was "overcrowded" and got housed within 2 years.
Yet you have people living in the most disgusting conditions in temporary accommodation for years upon years.
The council picks and chooses who they want to help.
Yet people like me who need it to survive get nothing.
I know I would have really been able to make something of myself if I'd just been given a chance.
And now I have no choice but to kill myself because I can't survive in the rental market.
I've been shouted at, had phones down on me and have generally been discriminated against because I'm on benefits, which is made worse because of my age. In the rare instances of people actually deciding to rent to you on benefits they want over 35s only because the income is more guaranteed.
You see I'm only entitled to rent because of my disability payments and unless you have a terminal illness you have to go to yearly assessments to see if you're still eligible, even if it's a condition like lupus or sickle.
So they ask me questions like, what kind of condition do you have and when will your entitlement run out. How can I answer a question like that when I worry about the same things myself?
I can't just pick up and leave if a landlord decides to sell the place or if they want to kick me out.
I have barely any interpersonal relationships as it is; who will move my stuff? And because of my OCD everything has to be a certain way and be clean which makes finding a place hard.
A lot of people want guarantors and I'm poor and don't know anyone that makes much money and even if I did they still wouldn't want to be my guarantor anyway.
Which each move comes a new rent and deposit and I live in London where its expensive.
I hate this city but I can't up and leave because my conditions have crippled me and I depend on family that live here.
I feel so much guilt and shame on a daily basis being on benefits as it is to the point where my teeth are all broken up because I feel ashamed of getting free dental care because of universal credit, to the point I just don't go.
I feel small and worthless because that's how this country wants people on benefits to feel.
I can't deal with being in this shitty system on top of everything else.
It's too much for me. I don't want to do it. So yep, I'm just killing myself.
I wholeheartedly blame the council for my suicide and I plan to leave a note placing them as responsible for my death.
I've attached pictures of the temporary accommodation they offered me. This is what was offered after I requested a self contained unit because of my severe OCD.
I suffer from severe mental health issues and have attempted to kill myself numerous times. I'm agoraphobic because of my Body Dysmorphia which means I can't leave the house at times even if I need toiletries and/or food. I haven't had friends for years so I couldn't even call someone on the phone to distract myself. I also have many other issues that would make living in a space like that unpractical. So how could I stay in a box room like that where all I have to look at is a brick wall?
The housing officer I spoke to was doing her best to put me off telling me I'd have to live there for 6/7 years. I asked her if I could transfer to somewhere else and she just shrugged her shoulders.
They expect you to move in straight away but if you have any experience with OCD you know how hard it is to deal with. I asked if I could clean up a bit before I moved in, and get my sister to help me because my brain was just catastrophising and I was panicking.
She had a bit of sympathy on me.
She said I could come back only clean for 2-3 hours on the following day but it was all too much for me and I had to turn it down, which you have the right to do if you think a property is unsuitable for you.
The homelessness officer I was working with, god bless her, did take into account my issues so they didn't refuse duty of care.
Instead I tried to find supported accommodation places that were self contained and would work for my OCD but there was nothing. Some places actually rejected me because they said my support needs were too high. I didn't have a social worker back then and still don't. I feel like if I knew more about the system, my rights and had someone in my corner I would have made more well informed decisions.
My living situation that caused me to enter the system was getting more and more precarious so I told my homelessness officer that I wanted to go for temporary again, only they flat out told me I won't get a council place and pushed me into private instead which has been awful and the reason why I'm going to kill myself.
I've always known that a council flat would have been the best option for me which is why I tried to make it happen. I shouldn't be shamed or made to feel guilty for the choices I made when I have mental health issues I recieve 0 help for.
There is no infrastructure to support people with mental health issues in this country. We should be one of the priorities when it comes to housing as we often struggle to get a stable job, have little to no interpersonal connections and many of us need stability in order to function.
My sisters friend was staying at her mums after she'd had a baby. She tried private, didn't like it, went back to her mums and got housed.
Another person that my sister knows had to move into a 2 bed flat with her sister and child and got housed within the year.
One the neighbours where my mum lives was also in a situation where she was "overcrowded" and got housed within 2 years.
Yet you have people living in the most disgusting conditions in temporary accommodation for years upon years.
The council picks and chooses who they want to help.
Yet people like me who need it to survive get nothing.
I know I would have really been able to make something of myself if I'd just been given a chance.
And now I have no choice but to kill myself because I can't survive in the rental market.
I've been shouted at, had phones down on me and have generally been discriminated against because I'm on benefits, which is made worse because of my age. In the rare instances of people actually deciding to rent to you on benefits they want over 35s only because the income is more guaranteed.
You see I'm only entitled to rent because of my disability payments and unless you have a terminal illness you have to go to yearly assessments to see if you're still eligible, even if it's a condition like lupus or sickle.
So they ask me questions like, what kind of condition do you have and when will your entitlement run out. How can I answer a question like that when I worry about the same things myself?
I can't just pick up and leave if a landlord decides to sell the place or if they want to kick me out.
I have barely any interpersonal relationships as it is; who will move my stuff? And because of my OCD everything has to be a certain way and be clean which makes finding a place hard.
A lot of people want guarantors and I'm poor and don't know anyone that makes much money and even if I did they still wouldn't want to be my guarantor anyway.
Which each move comes a new rent and deposit and I live in London where its expensive.
I hate this city but I can't up and leave because my conditions have crippled me and I depend on family that live here.
I feel so much guilt and shame on a daily basis being on benefits as it is to the point where my teeth are all broken up because I feel ashamed of getting free dental care because of universal credit, to the point I just don't go.
I feel small and worthless because that's how this country wants people on benefits to feel.
I can't deal with being in this shitty system on top of everything else.
It's too much for me. I don't want to do it. So yep, I'm just killing myself.
