Venting i hate the thought of hurting anyone i love

[citadelofme]

i cant stand being alive, everything feels like its meant to hurt me. every day feels torturous. yet i cant bring myself to die. my boyfriend is the most amazing person on earth. while everything else on earth is made to hurt me, he is the one thing that makes me happy. i cant stand the thought of him missing me after im dead, i cant stand the thought of him crying or being sad while im unable to help him. im scared that theres an afterlife and i'll have to watch over him and watch him cry, i dont want that. i cant believe that he even likes me even though i am a shitty person at heart, i am deeply unlikable and yet he still likes me. part of me wishes i could make him hate me just so he doesnt feel any pain after i die. i dont want to cause pain to anyone else.

 

[Mamihlapinatapei]

I can relate. For me it's the reason I'm still alive. The voice between one person (me) suffering, or the many (my guy, parents and sister). They won't choose the pain. I now endure it for them, which is kind of a choice.

 

[stopmesuffering]

I feel the same. I have awful physical symptoms but can't bear the thought of hurting them by suiciding secretly and then the shock of them finding me. So then I tried to go down the Swiss way which I thought was much kinder and more respectful way to do it if you can get it but they won't accept that at all. I feel like I'm being pushed into the worse and less safe option for me too

 

[ratgirl99]

The moment my mom found me after i fucked up hanging myself still haunts me so much. The only thing holding me back from finally ctbing is knowing that someone might do it too.

 

[ham and potatoes]

Yup, I feel ya.
The pain my death would cause the ones I love is the only reason I'm still around.
It sucks

 

[suffering_mo]

I feel the same. I have awful physical symptoms but can't bear the thought of hurting them by suiciding secretly and then the shock of them finding me. So then I tried to go down the Swiss way which I thought was much kinder and more respectful way to do it if you can get it but they won't accept that at all. I feel like I'm being pushed into the worse and less safe option for me too

Ditto. I can empathize so much with this.

 

[PhDone]

I feel the same. I have awful physical symptoms but can't bear the thought of hurting them by suiciding secretly and then the shock of them finding me. So then I tried to go down the Swiss way which I thought was much kinder and more respectful way to do it if you can get it but they won't accept that at all. I feel like I'm being pushed into the worse and less safe option for me too

Yeah definitely feeling this. If i talked to family about the Swiss vad option it might jeapordise a ctb option. Super tough one.

 

[hershberger]

I can relate. For me it's the reason I'm still alive. The voice between one person (me) suffering, or the many (my guy, parents and sister). They won't choose the pain. I now endure it for them, which is kind of a choice.

Exactly. My CTB would transfer my pain to them. That's the cornerstone of my SI. I don't like the world, but there are a few people here who mean so much to me. The thought of hurting them compels me to hold on for as long as possible.

 

[Eumetazoa]

I feel this so much. I really hate living, although my life isn't bad, but I've been depressed since 5 y.o., I don't even know what happiness is. But I'd hate to cause the same pain to my family. I know they would feel immense guilt, because they know I am depressed, and yet they couldn't help.
Only because of them I still haven't got me some SN, and it's easy for me to get it.

Every day praying and hoping to get some very aggressive terminal illness, or a heart attack, or just get killed in a car crash, etc.